3 Ways Parents and Teens Can Have More Productive Talks About Sex

by Matthew T. Saxey and Adam A. Rogers, PhD

Awkward. Unproductive. Never again.

These describe how many parents and teens say they feel about the "birds and the bees" talk. Unfortunately, many families are missing crucial opportunities to shape and facilitate their children's sexual development because of these perceptions.

Often, parents expect teens to ask questions about sex, while teens expect parents to initiate the conversations. A consequence of this ambiguity can be infrequent and unproductive dialogue while important sexual development occurs.

What are parents to do? Here are three evidence-based principles for improving the quality and effectiveness of sex communication in the home.

Discomfort vs. Openness

Research shows that most parent-child sexuality conversations take a one-sided dynamic with parents controlling and directing the conversation (e.g., lecturing). This approach can stem mainly from parents' own discomfort about their child's emerging sexuality, which is an obstacle to being direct, straightforward, and open about sex.

Parents can strive for more openness by considering that teens' perspectives on this topic also matter. Open conversations involve listening as much as talking, are non-judgmental, refrain from lecturing, and seek to convey a level of comfort.

Strong evidence shows that more open sex conversations translate into adolescents' greater internalization of healthier sexual values and expression. When parents foster open dialogues where children feel heard and respected, children are more likely to continuously return to parents to return to parents with their sexual questions and concerns continuously counsel.

Openness also means more productive conversations, characterized by specificity as opposed to vague generalities. Fostering open dialogues allows teens to feel more comfortable talking about more specific, though necessary, topics such as sexual arousal, sexual physiology, masturbation, and other more personal topics.

Some parents worry that open communication about sex will lead teens to have sex, but no evidence supports this. Instead, openness fosters a respectful, safe climate where these youth are more likely to listen to—and potentially benefit from—their parents" perspectives.

The Positives of Sexuality

Most parent-child sexual communication emphasizes the negative consequences of sex (i.e., pregnancy, disease, etc.). Recent research shows that parents rarely emphasize positive aspects of sexuality, perhaps out of concern for adolescents' safety or to safeguard their family values around sexuality. However, only hearing disapproving and negative messages about sexuality often leads to an unhealthy view of sexuality characterized by shame and anxiety surrounding inherent sexuality.

Parents should consider finding ways to convey to their children that, in appropriate and respectful contexts, sex can be enjoyable and can deepen intimacy with a partner. This can help adolescents develop a healthier and more holistic view of sexuality, translating into intentionality and control around the sexual expression that will benefit them in their future relationships.

Regular Conversation

The familiar reference is to a single "birds and bee" talk. This approach is extremely common in American families, but research indicates that a single conversation is likely to be ineffective at best. Studies consistently show that more regular sexuality conversations are more likely to help adolescents develop healthy sexual understandings.

Many have asked us when parents should begin these regular conversations. We believe that appropriate sex communication can rarely start too young. These conversations can be as simple as using proper terms to refer to body parts early in life, so children are equipped with a basic knowledge of their bodies. It should also include answering children's questions in straightforward, honest, and developmentally appropriate ways. Parents are usually more uncomfortable with these conversations than even their very young, honestly curious children.

Sex Essential Reads

Do "Nice Men" Finish Last in Bed?

Is Sex Definitely (Not) Binary? It's Complicated

Developing these habits early will be particularly useful when children transition to adolescence and experience the various bodily changes associated with puberty. Adolescents often meet these changes with surprise, concern, and sometimes, even fear. When communication lines are open and regular, youth are empowered to seek help from their parents consistently.

Of course, there is no standard recommendation for what constitutes regular. Regular discussions will likely vary across a child's development (i.e., sometimes weekly, monthly, biannually, etc., depending on developmental needs), but the principle is that we are open, accessible, available, and unafraid to discuss these topics. Then, ideally, conversations will happen with the appropriate regularity. Establishing these habits early, while children are more open to parental communication, will pay dividends.

In summary, a well-meaning, one-time birds and bee lecture is not the best approach to teaching kids about sex. Parents initiate and respond to regular, open discussions about sex that also emphasize positive aspects. They can facilitate an adolescent's sexual development in profound and impactful ways.