The Motivations of a Highly Critical Sexual Partner

Destructive criticism does not pave the way for a pleasurable sexual experience. Do you find your bedroom talk is less about arousing you and more along the lines of shaming you? Below are some examples of the sexual criticisms that people have told me that their partner has said to them. Is your sexual encounter filled with any of these?

• “What’s the matter with you? Didn’t you ever learn how to have sex?"
• “You have no idea how to please someone, do you?"
• “You keep doing it all wrong.”
• “You need to lose weight.”
• “You’re just bad at sex.”
• “You never know what you are doing, do you?”
• “Yuck, you want to do that? You are sick. You’re weird.”

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Criticism is very different from a critique or a complaint. Criticism is an affront to the partner. If your partner is more focused on criticizing you in bed than enjoying the moment or allowing you to enjoy yourself, or if they are more intent on providing negative feedback than complimenting you, then there’s an immediate issue that needs to be addressed. In this case, they are constructing or hyperbolizing flaws in a shaming, judgmental manner. Habitual sexual criticism can deteriorate a relationship quickly and negatively impact the mental well-being of the person being criticized.

A highly critical partner can be just as critical in sexual moments as they are in all other arenas of the relationship. Many of the reasons behind their critical nature are the same, whether it’s in bed or at a dinner party:

• Self-critical people can be critical of others.
• If their life seems to be out of their control, such as in the workplace, they may try to compensate and attempt to regain a sense of control in the household.
• In a sexual setting, unrelenting criticism can be a projection of the critical partner’s own insecurities or fears.
• Past shame or trauma can be at the root of sexual criticism.
• Fear of criticism of oneself can lead to proactive shaming of others.
• Belittling the sexual behavior of a partner can be used to gain a feeling of superiority.

Another consideration is sexual anxiety. Sexual anxiety can emanate from concerns about sexual performance, relationship issues, body ideals, or sexual dysfunction.

Social anxiety was at the heart of a 2017 study by Porter, Chambless, and Keefe. The study revealed negative evaluation to be a hallmark of social anxiety disorder in romantic relationships. Self-reports from 343 undergraduate students and their intimate partners considered social anxiety symptoms, perceived and expressed criticism, and upset due to criticism when it came to difficulty in intimate relationships. Findings showed that social anxiety was associated with being critical of one’s intimate partner.

What can you do if your partner is highly critical in the bedroom and it’s having a negative impact on your sexual enjoyment or self-esteem?

• Do not ignore the negativity. Ignoring the behavior can only be harmful. It’s acceptable and understandable to be upset by such behavior, but do not take it personally. You need to identify the source of the negativity.
• Recognize your partner for who they are. Is their behavior abusive? Is that abuse coming from someone who is an abusive person? Criticism can be a tool of the abusive person.
• Address underlying issues. Is this behavior resulting from past sexual guilt, shame, or trauma? Talk to your partner. Listen. Sometimes empathy is what is needed to move forward.
• Show understanding in an attempt to resolve the issues. It’s possible that they don’t recognize the impact their feedback is having on you. They may also not recognize that they are not presenting their feedback in the manner it is intended. They may feel like they are offering a complaint or a critique when, in fact, it is criticism. Remember, offering a critique or making a complaint is very different from criticizing.
• Explain your feeling. Do not remain silent and let the negativity affect you.
• Remove yourself from the environment, if need be. Sometimes, walking away for a period of time is necessary to defuse the situation. After some time, a calmer environment may be available for a productive discussion on the issues.
• You have to protect yourself and care for your well-being. If your partner is persistently destructive and there doesn’t appear to be headway toward solving the issues, that person may not be the right person for you. You are responsible for your happiness and sexual pleasure.

There are many reasons that your partner may be persistently critical when it comes to sexual relations, and they need to be addressed. Ignoring the negative behavior only serves to damage the relationship, instill unhealthy feelings, and create a toxic environment that will move beyond the bedroom. Communicate with your partner directly, and without hesitation, if your partner is employing sexual criticism rather than offering a critique, in the sexual arena.

Couples counseling can aid in opening up the channels of communication if communication barriers exist.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.