How to Overcome a Relationship Break-Up

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Imagine the person you love the most — and now imagine your relationship with them is over. The experience of a broken heart and rejection is very painful and involves a complex interplay of psychological, emotional, and biological factors.

Elements That Make Heartbreak So Difficult

• Physical pain. Rejection activates the same pathways in the brain as physical pain. This is why heartbreak can feel so viscerally painful.
• Lack of motivation. Romantic rejections and breakups mean withdrawal from chemically induced rewards (like dopamine and oxytocin), which can dysregulate motivation and reward pathways.
• Ego gets a hit. Self-esteem takes a hit, as rejection signals a threat to one's sense of self-worth and belongingness.
• Overthinking. Rumination and obsessive thoughts about lost relationships are common.
• Intense emotions. Sadness, anger, anxiety, and grief are common reactions triggered by the loss of romantic love.
• Loss of resources. Loss of a partner means loss of resources, which the brain may perceive as a threat to survival and well-being.
• Increased stress. The stress of heartbreak taxes the body, releasing cortisol which can disrupt sleep, appetite, and the immune system.
• Attachment and investment. A romantic relationship makes us deeply attached and invested in another person, intertwining our lives, hopes, and dreams together. Having that connection cut off causes immense pain.
• Loss of companionship. We lose the constant presence of our romantic partner who was a best friend, confidant, and source of intimacy and support. This leaves a void.
• Shattered expectations. A breakup or divorce shatters the ideals and expectations we had for the relationship's future, like marriage, children, and growing old together. Our hopes and dreams crumble.
• Grieving. Much like losing a loved one to death, a breakup means grieving the loss of the relationship, the person, the shared experiences and burning sense of what could have been.
• Uncomfortable logistics. Serious breakups often mean radical lifestyle changes regarding living situations, pooled assets, finances, mutual friends, etc.
• Unbearable Memories. Certain places, smells, songs, or movies spark constant reminders of the person and relationship, reopening the emotional wound.

The psychological, emotional, and biological intertwining of the three systems makes romantic rejection so painful to process. Yet, with self-care and acceptance of the new reality, it is absolutely possible to recover from heartbreak. It also takes immense courage to work through grief and pain while adopting a positive perspective.

Tips to Help Heal a Broken Heart

• Feel your pain. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Don't bottle up or suppress your emotions. Cry if you need to. Feeling the pain is part of the healing process.
• Embrace the void. There is discomfort in the void, often bordering on pain. Yet it’s so important to take time in this vacuum. In the void, you can notice the hooks to the past and then let go of it.
• Don’t take it personally. We're all rejected at some time. That doesn't mean that we aren’t good enough. We cannot give to others what we don’t have, and similarly, we cannot get from others what they don't have.
• Practice self-care. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and engaging in activities you enjoy. Treat yourself with compassion and kindness.
• Have a support system. Spend time with supportive loved ones. Lean on close friends and family who can listen without judgment and offer comfort.
• Clean memories. Remove reminders of your ex. Put away photos, gifts, and belongings associated with them for a while to allow space to heal.
• Be active. Exercise releases endorphins that improve mood. Go for walks, run, bike, lift weights, or practice yoga.
• Avoid negative coping mechanisms. Avoid excessive drinking or drugs. Numbing the pain delays healing. Find healthier coping strategies.
• Write in a journal. Putting your thoughts and feelings onto paper can be cathartic and insightful. A journal is a safe place to collect all of those internal thoughts and feelings that must be released.
• Stay patient. Healing isn't linear — expect ups and downs. Focus on small steps forward each day and give yourself some time to heal.
• Count your blessings. Appreciation for what you have will help you find your footing in the void. The lessons you learn in this situation will grow your heart and set you on the path to healing.
• Seek counseling. Talking through your feelings with others who understand can be very therapeutic. A support group can be very helpful.
• See the possibilities. Consider seeing the relationship's end as a new beginning and an opportunity for personal growth.

The pain of heartbreak is very real, but it won't last forever. Your healing comes from going through and flowing with your feelings, not bottling them up or denying them. If you rush the process of grief, you risk leaving some unresolved pain and issues within you. With proper self-care and courage, you allow yourself to process the grief. You can emerge stronger, learn more about yourself, grow, and prepare to experience new relationships in a more courageous, mature, and loving way.

It Hurts to Love Someone

I want to end with some words from the lyrics of a song by Earl King:

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
just wait for it to grow in their heart,
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.