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It's Thanksgiving, and time to "give thanks," right? That's the right thing to do.
Then why is it that so many families explode in anger at holiday times?
Do we think that giving thanks and appreciation for something is an act of backing down from championing our own needs?
Do we think that being forgiving is betraying ourselves and the resentments which have built up over the years?
Do we feel like we are diminishing ourselves when we put our resentments on hold, just to "survive a holiday" when we really feel instead like venting our righteous indignation at the past?
I'd like us to consider that the act of giving thanks, appreciation, and forgiveness very well can be thought of as "angry acts" - but of the kind that heal, replenish, help and honor the self, not just others.
I've lectured extensively on the unique nature of men's anger and depression issues in other venues, but the recent coverage of a purported rise in expressed anger in the Western public, and the tragic story of a teen woman who allegedly murdered a nine year old neighbor "to see what it felt like" give us a chance to look at the root causes of violence independent of gender or even age.
Sharon Jayson of USAToday comments on the phenomenon here.
In her article, she says that some clinicians have considered the possibility that the rise of the internet, and the rampant phenomenon of people venting their misplaced, rude, or unjust anger there may be part of the cause of people taking it into their in-person interactions too.
Very notably, she also mentions other clinicians who see "narcissism" and "entitlement" on the rise in people, as causative.
I suspect both are involved, but more of the latter than the former, which is only a "symptom" of the rising narcissism out there.
The unusual case of the teen girl who murdered a nine year old neighbor "to see what it's like" may end up proving to be one of those very rare cases of psychopathy - the absence of a conscience which may have some biological underpinnings. But it could just as well be an affect of profound narcissism to the degree one has in very early development - infant level. Only the in person examination of a psychiatrist will tell.
The article from Yahoo is here.
In any case, many use the word "narcissism" in lay language that might suggest merely "arrogance." Instead, to a clinician, it suggests a whole host of psychological features that may add up to trouble with boundaries, selfishness, weakness of the ego and of self-esteem, a win'lose attitude more prone to take advantage of or manipulate others, rather than a constructive 50-50 approach to collaborating... essentially being a "child trapped in an adult's body."
And while there may be many reasons for an anecdotal observation that there is a "rise in narcissism" in society - from advetising campaigns which promote impatient buying, to advertising that breaks boundaries to intrude on our home lives, dinnertime - the telemarketers - and even the vast spread of "advocacy journalism" - where formerly respectable newspeople argue and call each other names on prime time, rather than reporting the facts diplomatically.
There is an answer, of only we'd look at the most simple form of the anatomy of anger.
I call it the Anger Map.
The Two Causes of Anger
Place the word "anger" in the center of a blank page, and to its right, draw a box with the word, "Hurt" in it. This is one of the two simple causes of people's anger, and is often the type we "store up" over the years, and harbor resentments about. For our purposes, consider it a type of stress - that which comes in at us, and may bust through our boundaries to do us some sort of "damage."
Whether a physical or even unintentional hurt, such as a bee sting, or a very intentional emotional hurt such as an insult, this kind of stress does us physical (such as vandalism) or psychological (such as destructive criticism) damage.
On the left side of the word anger, draw a circle, and in the center, write, "Needs Not Met." This is a bigger and more constant source of our anger. It is a lack of nurturing, of our needs being met, an absence of feeling "mothered" by our friends, family, our partner, our career, or even the world at large. This is akin to - for our purposes - being low on a type of self-esteem we might call "well-being" - a feeling of being full, supported, nurtured, or mothered.
If you look at all sources of anger you have ever felt, you will find that they likely boil down to one of these two causes. Someone or something has hurt you, done damage, or some need has gone unmet.
Ok, so we're angry now. What options do we have?
There are three: we can get sad and depressed with it, we can get hostile and aggressive with it, or we can get assertive with it - the only beneficial way out.
Depression
The old adage is that "anger turned inward is depression." Say that you are resentful at a business meeting, but it's not currently appropriate to vent your frustration. You wait and wait and store it up, until somewhere down the line, you start to feel down. You feel "hurt" that someone said your performance was sub-par, and at first, wanted to give them a piece of your mind, but as time passed, you started to wonder if they were possibly right about that.
You didn't vent on them and instead turned inward - the only direction to go - and in seeking control over the situation, started to blame yourself. You felt sad and a bit depressed about the feedback.
If stored up, and unexpressed, the anger we feel over the hurts of life, and the unmet needs, metabolizes to depression, psychologically. We notice that we don't have enough money and we feel sad about that. We notice that we've lost friends and feel a bit lonely, and we feel sad about that. We don't get enough sleep and work too hard, and have to delay that vacation another year.
All of which is a bummer.
Draw the word Sadness or Depression underneath the word anger. It's one of the three methods of using anger.
Until in a calm moment, a moment of clarity such as the holidays when we are off work. We start to think of the details, how we did our best and still were met with frustration. We thinkn of how we deserved better, and were mistreated. We start to dream of what things could have been like if we had only championed ourselves more.
And we are now angry in an active way again.
If all that resentment has been saved up over time, it wants to bust out, and what better place and time for it to explode than with all the family and friends who have ever hurt us, done wrong, not helped us meet our needs - present at the dinner table?
A decision must be made. write that word above the word, "anger." We must decide to either blow our tops, or have mature patience and communication.
So it often comes exploding out as aggression - a destructive, win/lose mode of behavior, and the quick path for anger to be vented. It's the mode of being that the article by Jayson above considers some electronic media to promote, and the combative talk shows, and the general impulsiveness and impatience of society.
Draw an arrow from the word, "decision," to the upper right of the word anger, and write, "Aggression."
Emotional or physical violence - aggression - is the surefire immediate gratification for our frustrations, and if we really admit to ourselves what it feels like at the moment we do it (and in some way or another we all do), it feels good.
That is, until the natural consequences of the social circles we live in, respond back, intolerant of the immature, narcissistic nature of this method of using anger.
Round in round in a circle we go - I hurt you and feel better (aggression), you get angry, you vent and hurt me (aggression), and feel better, I hurt you, you hurt me - and the whole process just creates an anger-generating machine in our lives, and at the dinner table.
In the end, anger grows rather than doing what it is meant to do - to signal us that we have unmet needs we must get fulfilled.
There really is only one way out - toward changing anger from a negative emotional signal, into a positive emotional result in our lives.
Draw an up arrow from the word, "Decision," from "anger," to the upper left of it, and write, "Assertiveness."
Assertiveness
Now is where we get down the path to understanding that thanksgiving and forgiveness are positive, constructive acts of anger.
Assertiveness, unlike aggression, is a positive use of anger. It is a patient, mature, constructive, win/win behavior that benefits us, and possibly others too. Or at least it benefits us without hurting others.
Assertiveness is the act of going out and getting our needs met without using, manipulating, or hurting others. In other words, it is not narcissistic or immature. It's a benefit to us and to society.
If you had a job you didn't like, and noticed the details of your needs - that you have a mean boss, low pay, and long hours, then you need a nice boss, high pay and short hours instead.
Patiently, maturely and sith discipline, study for, train for, interview for, and find a better job. Quit the old job (which doesn't hurt anybody) and take the new job.
You will have met your own needs, championed yourself in a mature, patient way, and fill up on more of that self-esteem I call well-being. In other words, the act of assertiveness is "mothering ourselves."
And it happens to be an angry act. Anger and frustration are what signal and spur the act of asserting yourself toward getting your needs met.
Since we all have deeply felt beliefs that are emotional and color our world-views - "Uncle Harry is a selfish jerk" (and so you never seek the benefit of his life's experience in guiding you), "My job is lame and never going to give me a raise" (and so you don't ask for one, slack off to the degree you are underpaid in your view), or "my spouse doesn't understand me" (and so you don't try anymore to communicate, to love, or to attract them) - the emotion in these beliefs about the world signal and spur behaviors that promote and prolong the very same results we have been getting. The cognitive therapists see it every day.
Yet when we do the assertive acts of giving thanks, appreciating, and forgiving - while doing so may or may not benefit another person (they have the right to reject our forgiveness) - these acts most certainly generate positive emotions in US, connected to the angering events, the lack of things we need in order to be happy, and might even hint at a future, hoped for success at reach a goal (the new job, the better marriage) even though there's work to do in getting there.
Forgiveness doesn't ignore the details of the wrongs done. It addresses them head on, and angrily, but with a diplomatic and mature, hoped-for result of resolution. Happiness. Our need for fairness, justice, and to have our voices heard.
Thanks and appreciation don't take away the fact that there's more we want in life, better we want - but rather, assertively channeling our anger toward building on what we do already have, rather than focusing our beliefs, and worldview, on all that we do not.
Assertiveness always betters us, and society, because it is growth, is constructive, collaborative, mutual, and positive. And yet it is fueled by anger.
Thanks, appreciation and forgiveness are ways of nurturing ourselves, honoring our needs, and the hurts that shouldn't have happened, and which we will have the boundaries to not allow in the future.
They are both angry, but also good for us.
And they are not "selling out," "surrendering," or "betraying ourselves." They are doing right by ourselves as much as by others, or moreso.
