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The Harvard Humanist Chaplain, Greg Epstein, recently stepped into what is often an uncomfortable and dark topic: despair. His presentation was courageous and important…and I was happy to have the discussion.
Too often in daily life we have interpersonal and mediated conversations that reflect our ideal self. In US culture, this ideal self is culturally defined as happy, confident, purpose-driven, and athletic or adventuresome. We can get seduced into thinking this is the default way of living life. Reality, is of course, more complex.
Human beings are unique in the vast range of emotion that we experience. Thus with happiness there is also sadness; with triumph there is also failure. As a society we prefer to emphasize the former of the pairs and minimize the latter. Epstein normalized despair as part of the human condition. He urged those who experience despair (every one of us) to seek out others for perspective; and to be there for others when they experience this depth of no hope.
I often find that when we are with someone who is in despair, we get in touch with our own feelings of anxiety, depression, fear, and mortality. As a result, we may want to push this away from us by offering solutions or answers in order to fix the situation.
The challenge for each and every one of us is availability when asked to be with another human in distress, and to stay in that space as uncomfortable as it may be. This discomfort is often only a taste of what your fellow human being may be experiencing. Listen, touch a shoulder or a hand, and be present…what a wonderful gift this is in itself.
For yourself, allow engagement of all of your emotions even when they may not be deemed positive by others. Further self-punishment for feeling upset, anger, sadness, loneliness, or confusion does not help. Should the confidence of a friend or loved one not help, then pursue professional help. There are always options that exist that one does not see in the depth of despair.
And try to reflect the authentic-self more in daily life. For example, when you share your vulnerability with others, it often opens a window to others being vulnerable with you. We all know this quality of connection and sense of authenticity when genuine exchange occurs. We feel “real,” alive, and engaged. We often feel defensive, distracted, and disengaged in interpersonal experiences that are colluding in nonsense (too much gossip, self-promotion, or ego-driven narratives). Nonsense serves its purpose as a social glue, but beware of too much of it in life. Engage in life-giving exchanges and keep in mind that you may be the agent of moving someone from despair to hope and change.
