When to Be Concerned About Sibling Sexual Behavior

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Imagine yourself as a parent walking into your children’s bedroom to discover your 6- and 8-year-old children in a state of undress. When you enter the room, they quickly try to cover up and put their clothes back on. What do you think or do? Are you concerned? Is your reaction different if the children are 2 and 4 years old? Seven and 13? Does the gender of the children matter?

Typical Reactions to Sibling Sexual Behavior

Many parents in this situation dismiss the siblings’ behavior as “normal curiosity” and harmless. They may ignore the behavior or tell the children to get dressed without following up. Other parents panic, assuming the worst. They may punish and shame the children. Neither reaction is adequate for addressing sibling sexual behavior.

Unfortunately, reactions from professionals who work with children and families are often not much more helpful. Sophie King-Hill and her colleagues characterized common practitioner reactions to sibling sexual behavior as minimization, catastrophizing, or exaggeration. Minimization is when practitioners dismiss potentially problematic or abusive sibling sexual behavior as harmless exploration. Catastrophizing is when practitioners overreact—often punitively—to sibling sexual behaviors that could be managed in the home with safety planning and supportive parents. Sometimes practitioners feel they must exaggerate the seriousness of sibling sexual behaviors to help families access needed services.

Defining Sibling Sexual Abuse

Returning to the scenario we began with, there is no simple metric for whether sexual behavior between siblings is developmentally appropriate or abusive. Some definitions of sibling sexual abuse, particularly legal definitions, specify an age gap of more than four or five years as indicating abuse. However, research with survivors has shown that sibling sexual abuse can occur even when siblings are much closer in age. Gender is certainly a factor—the most common sibling sexual abuse scenario is an older brother and a younger sister—but sibling sexual abuse can occur with any combination of sibling genders.

Peter Yates and Stuart Allardyce, both experts in this field, recently put forward a continuum of sibling sexual behavior with four levels: (1) developmentally appropriate, (2) inappropriate, (3) problematic, and (4) abusive. This is a useful tool and demonstrates that there is a lot of grey area between developmentally appropriate sexual exploration and sibling sexual abuse.

The UK-based RCEW National Project on Sibling Sexual Abuse summarized sibling sexual abuse as “A form of harmful sexual behavior or activity involving the misuse of power and victimizing intent or outcome between children who self-identify as siblings.” Drawing from this definition and the extensive work of John Caffaro in this field, we have developed the following list of characteristics that are signs of sibling sexual abuse. Any one of these signs is cause for concern:

• Sexual behaviors that involve physical contact, like fondling, oral-genital contact, or intercourse
• Non-contact behaviors that are not age-appropriate, like the production and sharing of sexual images or spying on a sibling while undressed
• Sexual behavior in the context of a power differential based on age, gender, cognitive or physical ability, social competence, family role, or parental favoritism
• Sexual behavior involving the use of aggression, force, coercion, trickery, bribes, or misrepresentation
• Sexual behavior motivated by an intent to harm, dominate, or humiliate, or by compulsion or pressure from others
• Child feeling ashamed, fearful, angry, anxious, or showing other signs of trauma in the wake of a sexual interaction

Experts do say that sometimes siblings engage in what may be developmentally appropriate sexual exploration. In this case, all of the following signs must be present:

• Occasional and of brief duration (frequency confirmed, not assumed)
• Occurs between children with similar levels of development
• Motivated by curiosity that makes sense for the children’s ages
• Playful (without coercion or deception)
• Only minor embarrassment if discovered
• Children are easily redirected by parents or caregivers

Even when sibling sexual behavior meets these criteria, caregivers should redirect the children and use it as a teaching moment about healthy and safe body boundaries. Sexual behaviors between siblings that don’t meet this description deserve careful investigation by a qualified professional. Families can seek help from a pediatrician, mental health clinician, school nurse, or local family resource center.

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Disclosure or Secrecy: Importance of Adults

Unfortunately, research shows that children are highly unlikely to disclose sibling sexual abuse during childhood or even adulthood. Some take the secret to their graves. A large factor in the secrecy is that many children feel complicit and confused about their sexual experiences with their siblings. Sometimes sibling sexual behavior starts out as exploratory and mutual but becomes coercive when one child wants to stop. Other times, siblings become sexually involved to fill intimacy needs not being met by caregivers. Even in cases involving clear coercion or force, the harmed child often blames themselves and mistakenly thinks they could have stopped it somehow.

The low chance of children’s disclosure makes it essential for adults to watch for signs and ask questions. Sibling sexual abuse has long-term negative impacts on mental, physical, and relationship health. Dafna Tener’s research has shown that even behavior perceived by children at the time as consensual or mutual can lead to emotional cut-offs later in life.

Parents should confront the uncomfortable reality of sibling sexual behavior and learn to spot the difference between developmentally appropriate sexual exploration and potentially problematic or abusive behavior. Professionals should incorporate questions about siblings into routine screenings for child sexual abuse. Learning to identify harmful sibling dynamics will contribute to intervention for child sexual abuse and its associated secrecy and shame.

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