So Your Kid Got Rejected From Her Dream School(s)

College admission season is upon us. A more accurate term might be college rejection season. Unless your kid is that random genius-entrepreneur-athlete who gets admitted to every Ivy League school (there's always one), or they decided early on to commit to a low-stakes college with a high acceptance rate, things might be getting a little volatile in your house. Here are five strategies for surviving the chaos.

Avoid Assuming How Your Child Feels

Whether you are feeling devastated, angry, or nonchalant, your teen might not share your reaction. Be honest with yourself about how you are feeling, and approach your teen with curiosity about their reaction, which might change day by day. Avoid adding insult to injury by assuming that your child's self-esteem has taken a hit when they may be more upset that they spent so many weekends at Model United Nations conferences or fundraising for the Future Doctors Club when they could have been driving around listening to music with friends or sleeping until noon.

Be Nice to Them

Buy their favorite cereal. Let them take a mental health day. Heck, grant permission for a sleepover in the middle of the week. If they have an attitude about taking the trash out, let it be. It is reasonable for kids in this situation to feel a little anger toward the adults in their lives who may have encouraged them to invest hopes and dreams in an unlikely outcome. Offer a little extra TLC right now. They will remember this kindness.

Don't Rush Into Problem-Solving

Our instinct may be to get plan B nailed down as quickly as possible so that both you and your child can post that long-awaited status update to social media, but efforts to problem solve are likely to be much more productive once your teen has had a few days to metabolize the loss. After a weekend of ice cream, video games, and hanging out with friends, the dreaded safety school might not seem so awful. Their envy of the Harvard-bound kid down the street will abate. Their rage at the guidance counselor who helped them "craft their list" will quiet down. And the instinct to run away from all the stress by joining the circus will subside. If you jump into planning and problem-solving too soon, these heightened emotions might lead to bad decisions. So give your child some time after a big rejection before asking how they'd like to proceed.

Ask Before Giving a Pep Talk

We all want to reassure kids that there are great professors at every college, that they will make friends wherever they go, and that name-brand schools might not offer the best opportunities for trying new extracurriculars or getting one-on-one time with instructors. Or we might want to share about a time we personally experienced rejection and how it was all for the best and we learned valuable life lessons along the way. This is more likely to have the intended impact if you first ask, "Can I give you a pep talk?" If your child says no, she is truly not in a good place to hear it, and you can try again tomorrow. Don't waste your brilliant wisdom on a kid who just wants to be sad for a little while.

Model a Sense of Perspective

You are not allowed to be more upset than your kid. If your kid seems OK but you need to bemoan the unfairness of it all, that's what your friends are for. Go to the bathroom if you need a good cry. Do not freak out in front of the teenagers.

Commiserate, sure: Yes, this is disappointing. Yes, it seems totally unfair and random. Yes, the neighbor kid kind of sucks; what on earth was Harvard thinking? But no college acceptance or rejection could possibly alter your view of your child, the pride you feel in their accomplishments, or your confidence in their abilities and their future. Make sure they know that. Everyone is going to be OK.

Finally, remember that just as your child's worth is not determined by the selectivity of his university, neither is yours as a parent. It's tempting to slide into the thinking that your child securing a coveted spot at a top college proves you've done everything right as a mom or dad, but this is nonsense. Let it go. Show your excellence as a parent by showing up how you always have: full of love and admiration for the child you've got right in front of you, at least for a few more months.