How to Skillfully Communicate With an Unskilled Communicator

Do you often find yourself in conversations where the other person seems uninterested in what you have to say? Do some of the people in your life monopolize conversations, interrupt frequently, or constantly complain?

Does someone in your life seem to have an unending struggle with anxiety and depression that leaves you feeling powerless and drained?

Do you dread reaching out to certain family members or friends, just hoping to “get it over with”?

While it might be tempting to limit contact with people we find challenging to speak with, it’s not always that simple if it’s a family member, long-time friend, or co-worker.

If you find that talking to certain people leaves you feeling frustrated, drained, or unsatisfied, these tips can help you navigate those challenging interactions.

Get Grounded

If you’re conversing with someone who constantly complains or talks about themselves, it’s easy to tune out or feel overwhelmed.

Instead of checking out, try checking in with yourself. It helps to stay consistently grounded in your body. Practice slow, conscious breathing. Feel the surface beneath you. Feel your feet firmly planted on the floor. Notice if you’re touching anything with your hands.

Grounding yourself before, during, and after a challenging conversation helps you stay calm, which not only benefits your nervous system, but allows you to think more clearly.

Clarify and Express Your Needs

If you’re speaking to someone who’s an unskilled communicator, or someone who’s in a lot of emotional pain, it can be tempting to forgo your own needs and make the entire conversation about them.

Do your best to regularly tune inside and ask yourself what you feel and need. If you say something and the other person is not hearing you, you may need to be extra clear and respectfully assertive.

For example, if you’ve been on a call for a while with a friend and the conversation has been entirely about them, you might ask if they’d like to hear something about your life.

If you share something, and they bring the conversation back to themselves, you might ask for a bit of reflection on the story you just told them.

If you express the need to end a conversation and the other person continues to talk, you can ask if perhaps they didn’t hear you say that you need to wrap things up and restate that you need to end the call.

In an ideal world, all of the people in our lives would be emotionally mature, skilled communicators. But, in reality, that’s most likely not the case.

What you can do is be true to yourself, and respectful to the other person.

Imagine Boundaries

If you’re a visual person, you can imagine a protective boundary around you—whether it’s a bubble, shield, or column of light. This practice can give you the space to remain centered and unshaken, even in difficult conversations.

You can picture or sense yourself being as solid and unshakable as a tree or a mountain.

I have two meditations that can guide you through a powerful process of releasing unhealthy energetic cords if you'd like to join me here.

Set Your Intention

Before calling or visiting someone you find difficult, it can be helpful to set an intention. You might think about it, say it out loud, or write it down.

For example: “I want to stay present during this conversation. I'll focus on my breathing, listen to them, and also tune into my own needs. I’ll take my time responding and speak up when I’m ready to end the call.”

Empathize Without Absorbing or Advising

If someone is chronically negative, monopolizing the conversation, or interrupting, it can be quite challenging to know what to do. It can help to see that the other person is either in pain, an unskilled communicator, or both.

Offering empathy without trying to solve their problems can be a great practice.

A student in my anxiety relief course (I’ll call her Jill) recently tried this and found it extremely helpful.

Jill felt drained after phone calls with her father. He often dominated conversations with a litany of complaints.

Instead of continuing to offer endless solutions, Jill tried simply expressing empathy: “That sounds really tough, Dad. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time.”

While it didn’t magically lighten her father’s negativity, it did lighten some of the internal pressure that Jill had been feeling to try to fix her father’s pain.

Note to Self

During difficult conversations, it's natural to slip into fight-or-flight mode. To counter this, it can be helpful to prepare reminder notes for yourself.

If you're on the phone, write a few soothing statements to keep nearby. These can remind you to stay grounded, breathe deeply, and that you have the power to end the call when you're ready.

For video calls, you might place a comforting note on your screen.

If you're meeting in person, review your reminder beforehand to center yourself.

Hold Something Soothing

Holding something soothing can be a simple yet powerful way to stay grounded and present during challenging conversations.

This could be a small stone, a crystal, or a soft piece of fabric—anything that feels comforting.

Even clasping your own hands can serve as a symbolic reminder to stay connected with yourself and focused on the moment.

Stay in Your Lane

It’s so important to recognize that everyone is on their own path. If someone you’re talking to seems to be constantly struggling, it’s so important to remember that you aren’t responsible for their choices or happiness.

You can allow yourself to have your feelings about someone’s situation. You can offer support. But, you are not responsible for another person’s path in life.

Fill Your Cup

It's essential to nourish yourself in healthy ways, so when you're supporting others or having challenging conversations, you're not giving from a place of depletion.

I love the concept that author Lisa Nichols teaches: fill your cup until it overflows, then give from the overflow. Pour from the saucer, not the cup.

Question Your Thoughts

It can be tempting to think that it's another person who’s causing us stress, but if we dig deeper, we realize it's our thoughts about them that create our tension.

Examining and questioning our thoughts can be incredibly freeing.

For example, if a friend or relative expects you to call or visit more than you're comfortable with, what are you telling yourself? That you must meet their needs? That you're responsible for their happiness?

What if you shifted your mindset and told yourself that it's okay if you're not meeting all their needs—after all, they aren't meeting all of yours either.

If someone close to you is depressed, what are your thoughts? Do you believe that it's your job to fix their pain? Do you think that you can't be happy or peaceful if they are struggling?

You can remind yourself that they are on their own path. There's plenty of support available for them in the world, and you are just one person. Your job is to fill your own cup first, and offer support when it feels right to you, in amounts that feel healthy for you.

If you find yourself in consistently negative, draining, unsatisfying conversations, remember that you can apply these tools to stay grounded and clarify your needs. Sometimes, our most challenging connections can provide us with opportunities for conscious awareness, self-care, and personal growth.