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Key points
- Getting laid off can feel like a break up.
- The person's perception of the experience makes it feel personal.
- However, feelings of powerlessness are temporary.
“I need to end this,” he said. “It’s not you, it’s me, so please don’t take it personally. You’re such a great person, but I just need…”
I had just gotten dumped and had stopped listening, a wave of emotions engulfing me. We’d been dating for over a year, and I’d gotten zero indication that he wasn’t happy. We’d always gotten along, he’d introduced me to his family, and we’d even flirted with the idea of moving in together.
But there I was, my heart in pieces, the words “don’t take it personally” impossible to heed. I felt deceived on so many levels like I’d been strung along.
My family stepped in to give me all kinds of advice that I couldn’t hear because my emotions blocked every word of wisdom. When one door closes, another one opens. There are plenty of fish in the sea. God works in mysterious ways. None of these things made me feel better.
My friends offered support by celebrating and encouraging the anger I felt. “How dare he? Forget him; he doesn’t deserve you.” Only I couldn’t forget him or the fact that he broke up with me. For weeks, my friends and I dissected our entire relationship from start to finish, and we replayed the break-up conversation in the hopes that we’d arrive at a logical explanation.
I found comfort in the anger, but when it dissipated, I was left with nothing but self-doubt. Maybe I was too available, too nice, too open, too needy. Maybe I could’ve done things differently. Maybe it was me, and he just didn’t want to tell me. If I was such a great person, why did he break up with me?
Self-doubt impacted the relationship that immediately followed, causing me to act in ways that didn’t feel authentic. I was not as kind, as honest, or as emotionally available, and that relationship didn’t work out either. Truth be told, I was still angry and hurt.
It was difficult for me to move on because it did feel intensely personal. After all, he broke up with me, not with my next-door neighbor or with the girl in my humanities class.
Getting laid off from a job can feel a lot like getting dumped by a partner, and in both cases, it’s made worse by the absence of a clear, satisfactory explanation.
Employers provide you with their reasons—"We are reorganizing, downsizing, restructuring, making some changes, getting acquired"—but you hear, "You just weren’t worth keeping around."
Ouch, that does not feel good.
The reason for your layoff may not be personal, but your experience and perception of it can make it feel personal. Although similar to a breakup, losing a job just hits differently because there’s so much more wrapped up in those 40-plus hours a week that you spend doing said job.
For many people, a job is more than just a source of financial security; it contributes to a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and self-esteem. Without this sense of purpose, you might find yourself questioning your skills, value, and your place in the world, making the loss feel like a blow not only to your career but also to your personal history and identity.
Cue negative core beliefs, which turn up the volume on feelings of inadequacy or failure. These deep-seated beliefs are rooted in past experiences of rejection and loss. Suddenly, it's not just about losing a job; it's a full-on attack on your self-worth, making a layoff feel like a personal confirmation of every negative thought you've ever had about yourself.
So much so that when someone says, “Hey, don’t take it personally,” it feels impossible to believe and to move on, but you are not without options.
Below are some ways you can navigate this situation and move on with peace of mind.
Go ahead and be upset.
Your rational mind knows the layoff had nothing to do with you personally. You are one of many people in your organization who were laid off, and you’re also aware that layoffs are happening at large in your particular industry.
But when emotions are running strong, it’s not easy to embrace reason and logic, and trying to do so when you’re not ready can result in frustration. It’s like telling someone who just got the wind kicked out of them to take a deep breath.
A healthy, human approach is to give yourself the space to fully process everything you’re feeling instead of trying to rush past it. This may not feel possible given your very real financial concerns; however, it is no less crucial.
The pace at which you move through this process will depend on whether you embrace your emotions without judgment or simply push through them by leaning on maladaptive coping mechanisms to avoid or suppress whatever you’re feeling.
You can do this alone, or you can do this with someone you trust who won’t speak in “bumper sticker”—a trusted friend who will give you the space to process everything you’re feeling without offering advice you’re not ready to receive.
Find a support network.
Not long ago, I was on a flight home when our plane began to shake and rattle due to turbulence, causing my stomach to drop and my heart to race. I looked over at my husband, who was calmly looking at an app on his phone that showed all the other flights in the air directly around us. Apparently, there were hundreds of planes in our vicinity, and somehow, it made me feel better to know that I was likely not the only person hyperventilating and panicking because of turbulence.
If possible, reach out to other people who are in a similar situation, as they may help you feel more supported and less alone as you navigate unemployment and the financial stress that comes with a layoff. Another option is to talk to someone you know who has been laid off in the past, as they, too, can offer you support.
Move on when it’s time.
You’ve given yourself some time to feel the emotions, and you’ve found a good support network. The chest tightness, stomachache, and knot in your throat you felt at the beginning are now gone, and it’s hard to recall the anger and frustration you felt so strongly.
This may be a great time to separate the facts from your own emotional reactions, all the things you know to be true even though they didn’t feel true at first. The company was acquired by another organization. Thousands of people were laid off; I wasn’t the only one. I was great at my job, actually. Identify all the work you did for which you are proud. This is what you want to be fresh on your mind as you consider your options moving forward.
Owning your skills and talents may also help you see possibilities that were hidden when you were employed or that you couldn’t see because you were too upset. Some people go on to open their own businesses, while others realize the job was never a good fit in the first place, and they choose a different field altogether.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, getting laid off can hit hard, no doubt about it. It can trigger many different emotions and a sense of powerlessness. It’s healthy to take time to process this experience, and listening to your body will help you realize when it’s time to take control of your future.
