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Key points
- Children are less dependent on their parents than ever before.
- Children are more likely to question and challenge the rules presented to them than children in the past.
- Create a shared mission statement outlining values and goals, empowering children.
I can still feel the fear I felt when my parents looked at me sternly and made a command. I knew compliance was not optional and would not dare challenge their authority. That was, historically, a very short time ago, yet so much has changed.
Society and, therefore, parenting are changing quickly and are often difficult to keep up with. The familiar phrase "because I said so" has lost its effectiveness. Parents can find themselves puzzled when their children don't respond to commands as obediently as they once did. Rules are no longer enough; reasons must now accompany them, and this is the reason why:
1. Children are less dependent on parents than ever before.
One significant factor contributing to the shift in parent-child dynamics is the decreasing dependence of children on their parents. In the past, parents held a more all-encompassing role, able to make decisions on behalf of their children without much room for discussion. Parents are still very involved in their children's lives, driving them around, feeding them, and making decisions about their education, sports, and friends.
Children today have much more access to ideas and experiences that parents do not influence, thanks to social media and the increased diversity and influence of their peers. Children feel more driven today to understand the why behind parental rules. Why do we have to do things this way when there are so many other ways to do things? This is why providing clarity and understanding has taken center stage in modern parenting.
2. Most parents create current conditions and want past results.
The desire to shield children from the hardships we experienced as children has led to some unintended consequences. Many parents make the proclamation, "I don't want my children to go through what I went through." This sentiment has inadvertently created conditions that make parenting even more challenging.
Parents often provide children with the latest electronics, try to be there for them consistently instead of letting them figure things out, and even acquiesce to comforts they wish they had as a child. Unfortunately, this often leads to pampered and entitled children (Sood and Nanda, 2022). Research suggests that children struggle when overparented, being more likely to develop mental and behavioral deficits (Segrin et al. 2015).
Of course, children are asking more questions and challenging the rules presented to them they feel entitled to. We were much more compliant as children because many of us experienced more limitations and grew up in a much more disciplined environment. Parents should not expect past results in a modern environment.
The Solution
As we navigate these uncharted waters, the key is to recognize the changing dynamics and adjust our parenting strategies accordingly. The days of enforcing rules without explanation are giving way to a more collaborative and communicative approach in a guided environment. Two main changes need to be implemented in modern parenting:
1. Create a family mission that can be referred to often as the guiding principle for your family.
Instead of entering into a battleground of wills, develop a family mission statement that can serve as a compass, guiding both parents and children in their actions and decisions. Children should know that the rules and guidance presented are not arbitrary but based on the shared goals we set for our family. Give children an opportunity to contribute to the mission.
This collaborative effort helps foster a sense of shared values and goals, making it easier for children to understand the reasoning behind rules and expectations. This approach empowers children to internalize the values behind the rules, fostering a sense of responsibility and self-discipline.
2. Children need structure and opportunities to make mistakes.
Along with guiding principles, environmental structure is very important. Having a clear schedule for their day provides them and you with clarity. Children thrive when they know what to expect. This should not be limiting.
- Offer children choices with limits. Let them choose between two healthy food options or decide which activity they want to do during their free time. This helps them feel empowered and learn decision-making skills.
- Normalize failure as a learning opportunity. Emphasize that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growth. Praise effort and perseverance rather than just focusing on outcomes.
- Allow children to take on age-appropriate responsibilities.
- Model discipline and a willingness to overcome difficult experiences. They should see you stick to things and not give up, make healthy food choices, and consistently strive to improve.
Modern parenting requires adjusting from a not-so-distant past. Yes, rules must have reasons. No, that is not because children today are worse than we were; it is simply because children are growing up in a very different environment with very different rules than the environment many of us came from.
Many of these changes bring new and exciting possibilities if we are willing to embrace them. Instead of simply doing what they are told, we have the opportunity to raise children who do because they also believe in the goals. My goal in parenting is not for my children to do good because I want them to; I want them to do good because it is who they are. Welcome to modern parenting.
References
Segrin, C., Givertz, M., Swaitkowski, P. et al. Overparenting is Associated with Child Problems and a Critical Family Environment. J Child Fam Stud 24, 470–479 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-013-9858-3
Sood, Sarita & Nanda, Amandeep. (2022). Ineffective Parenting: Sowing the Seeds of Pampered Child Syndrome. Integrated Publications, Rohini, India.
