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Traditional beliefs about spontaneous sexual desire and that sexual intercourse are self-defeating for couple sexuality.
Responsive sexual desire is healthy for women, men, and couples.
Asynchronous erotic experiences are normal and healthy for a couple's sexuality.
The old belief was that sex was simple-spontaneous desire, easy arousal, sex=intercourse, and one orgasm during intercourse. The man had a higher desire and more orgasms. He needed nothing from his partner to function sexually.
The traditional model of sex favored men over women. The assumption by both mental health professionals and the public was: male sex was natural and strong; female sex was complex and difficult. This understanding of sex was what you experienced in adolescence and assumed was "right" for adults. However, there is growing scientific and clinical evidence that this is a false and self-defeating set of assumptions and understandings.
There are more sexual similarities than differences between adult men and women, especially those in intimate relationships. The best example is sexual desire. The key for women, men, and couples is to value responsive desire rather than depending on spontaneous desire illustrated by an easy erection. Responsive desire is more genuine, you turn toward your partner to create and promote desire rather than believe you have to be aroused before initiating sex.
Often, you begin a sexual encounter at neutral (0 on a 10 point scale of subjective arousal). When receptive and responsive to pleasurable touch and aware of your feelings and your partner’s you experience subjective arousal of 2-4. This is when you experience desire. Desire develops after engaging in sensual and playful touch rather than having to be aroused before you begin. Spontaneous desire is fine, but you don’t need it in order to initiate. Positive anticipation, feeling you deserve sexual pleasure, freedom, and choice, and openness to sensual, playful, and erotic touch promotes desire.
It is normal, rather than problematic, to have differences in desire. The best sex is mutual and synchronous (both partners experience high levels of desire-pleasure-eroticism-satisfaction). However, often the sexual encounter is asynchronous (good, but better for one partner than the other). Asynchronous sexuality is normal and healthy. The crucial guideline is that asynchronous sex is not at the expense of your partner or relationship. For example, the encounter is a 10 for one partner and 7 for the other. Sometimes, it is a 1 or 2, and that too is normal. What is not okay is the encounter being -7 or -2 for the partner. This subverts sexual desire.
Although we are strong advocates for intercourse, intercourse is not the definition of sex. The core of couple sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure, including erotic touch. Erotic scenarios and techniques involve intense sensations and feelings (6-10). This includes manual, oral, and rubbing stimulation. Typically erotic touch transitions to intercourse. A valuable guideline is to transition at subjective arousal of 8 (7 at minimum) rather than rushing to intercourse. Eroticism to orgasm, whether synchronous or asynchronous, is a valuable dimension of couple sexuality. Focusing on couple pleasure rather than individual performance and accepting a range of erotic scenarios are crucial for variable, flexible couple sexuality.
Adopting responsive sexual desire and erotic sex broadens couple sexuality and enhances sexual satisfaction.
