The 2 Most Important Words to Say in a Relationship

We all want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. The simple transaction of saying “thank you” means reminding someone of their value. When I say thank you, I acknowledge you have done something for me, increased my value, and become a benefactor. When I say thank you, I am reminding you of your value.

This acknowledgment is more important in romance than anywhere else. It is more important than a present or taking someone out to dinner. This is one small change that can make an enormous difference. It is one simple way you can influence the person you love.

How often do you say “thank you” to your loved ones? This is different from saying “I love you” (which is also good to say daily!). But “I love you” reflects your feelings about the other person. “Thank you” reflects who they are, their accomplishments, and their influence on you. Thank you is about a different feeling: gratitude, appreciation, acknowledging their value, and not only how you feel about them. This is what makes people feel not only loved but also appreciated by their romantic partners.

This “positive responsiveness” may be more important than authentic connection and a sense of stability, the three core elements of love in romantic relationships. Being appreciated by your romantic partner crosses all genders, races, social statuses, household incomes, and other demographics.

What does this say about us as humans? First, it is a reminder that we all want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. Second, at our core, human beings have the potential to always remind someone else of their value. Third, it doesn’t matter how rich you are, your race, where you live, or your politics—it feels good to be appreciated.

This goes beyond romance. This is simply part of who we are as humans, as the same species.

Let’s do it.

This is a valuable reminder in this time of global conflict. No matter what political party you feel connected to, no matter what group you identify with, no matter which God you worship, no matter what sports team you prefer, and no matter what part of the globe you occupy, remember that everyone wants to feel valued. Why not start there? If each of us wants the same thing, are we really that different?

Is it a big ask? Perhaps. But is it doable? Absolutely. You need to start. Small changes can have big effects. You control no one but influence everyone: You get to choose the kind of influence you want to be.

Here is one small change you can make today. Listen to a news station you don’t usually listen to. At first, you may get angry and disagree with the reporter's perspective. If someone is angry, it means they want something to change.

Rather than get angry at their perspective reflexively, become reflective. What different things do they want to see? Engage instead of exclude. Keep it frontal; don’t go limbic.

When you listen, you learn what that other “group” sees as important. Then reflect: Even if the details are different, isn’t it the same thing as what you want? Are they angry because they feel devalued and want that to change? Isn’t that what you want? What do we all want?

When we can appreciate this common ground, we have a chance to decrease our conflict and become the global problem-solvers that have made our species so remarkably successful. Our species is one group called humanity. That is an enormous influence.

Let’s do it.

Thank you.