What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You

The majority of couples state that they have moderate or high amounts of conflict in their relationship (Dush & Taylor, 2011) and the majority of workers say they have experienced workplace conflict (CPP, 2008). Such chronic stress at home and in the office adversely impacts our mental, emotional, and physical health, ability to function, (Newsom, 2008) and even longevity (Harburg, 2008). Our literal survival depends on figuring out how to get over it, get along, or stand our ground.

Yet acquiring those skills is easier said than done and they are not necessarily realistic, or effective in every situation. Instead, building a toolkit of alternatives gives us the best chance of finding the optimal solution for each situation.

If you feel stuck and unable to move through conflict effectively, three philosophies may help you feel calmer and more confident.

Three Philosophies

First, recognize that conflict and disagreement are normal and inevitable consequences of being in a relationship with others. The tone can range from civil to bridge-burning. The outcome can range from deepening trust and mutual understanding to war. Your ability to effectively develop and employ conflict-management skills determines where you will tend to land on those spectra.

Second, be aware that avoiding conflict tends to paradoxically promote it. Since disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable parts of every relationship, failure to address hurt feelings and improve understanding deepens wounds since they do not fix the cause. The resulting impact on the relationship can range from slow and insidious to explosive.

Third, it takes two to tango and to resolve the issues. It might be tempting to either assume or assign all the blame for the conflict, but both parties share responsibility, even if it isn’t always 50-50. It is helpful to consider one’s role in the situation, and to take full responsibility for that portion of it. While you cannot force someone to come to the table, you can do your part to create the most inviting space for the other to engage constructively and with kindness.

Your needed strategy is often the opposite of your natural tendency. For example, if you tend to take a lot of responsibility for conflict, consider communicating your needs, even if it makes you feel vulnerable. (Don’t forget to use “I” statements.) If you tend to blame others, reflect on where your own learning and growth can transform the situation.

Armed with these principles, here are three general strategies to help you move disagreement to understanding.

Three Strategies

First, manage your feelings. Your discomfort, anger, or sadness is alerting you that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. The solution to that problem can range from seeking healing for your hot button to drawing boundaries to asking for what you need. Your feelings may also be alerting you that action and/or change are needed. An ongoing mindfulness practice, such as meditation, helps you to be more aware of your hot buttons, discover the underlying issues, and enable planning before taking action or responding.

Second, listen to understand. Using active, empathic listening helps the speaker feel heard. For instance, “I think I’m hearing you say that the way I refer to your past feels judgmental and hurtful, and it makes you feel inadequate. Did I get that right? Is there more?” This is sometimes sufficient to alleviate hurt feelings and to learn how to respond in a more helpful way going forward. It may also enable the speaker to be open to listening deeply to you as well. Ideally, you should ask permission to present your perspective only after they’re done sharing. Offer it only when you feel it is likely to move the conversation forward constructively.

Listening to understand includes listening to yourself. If you have not been asserting your boundaries and/or your own needs, you may be experiencing feelings of resentment, anxiety, or sadness. Understanding how the situation is making you feel, and what needs to change to make you feel better, are important steps towards managing your feelings.

Relationships Essential Reads

10 Paradoxes That Will Change How You See Relationships

Why Most Crave Connection—and Why Some of Us Don’t

Third, discern and focus on your locus of control. Your first reaction may be to ask the other to change but you are the only person that you can effectively change.

Your feelings are also your responsibility; others do not “make you feel” a certain way. Behavioral theory states that situations (also known as antecedents), (A) elicit a behavior (B), which leads to consequences (C). When people or situations (antecedents) push your hot button, it’s because your belief, such as “you are mistreating me," or “we shouldn’t have to argue,” elicits behaviors (B), such as feeling victimized and fleeing, or getting angry and fighting. The consequence (C) might be estrangement, disengagement, or conflict.

Your locus of control in such situations includes changing your behavior by challenging your belief and the resulting feelings. For example, challenging your belief that “you are mistreating me” to “I am feeling mistreated” empowers you to focus on what you can change: yourself. You may then choose whether to employ strategies such as perspective-taking (e.g. considering whether you’re making a mountain out of a molehill), exploring the grain of truth in the flipped belief (“I am mistreating them” or “they are doing their best to take care of me”), or drawing boundaries. When you change your behavior (B), you can then change the consequence (C) from fight or flight to empowerment.

Since every situation is different, these three principles and practices can take a lifetime to develop, integrate, and master. Commit to your learning, growth, and skill development so that you can improve over time, and foster more loving, intimate relationships.

Many conflict management resources are available in bookstores and online, including the relationship skill development learning modules available on a gift economy from the Foundation for Family and Community Healing. Your learning and skill development are investments that will pay off over your lifetime in all your relationships, including the one with yourself.