6 Ways to Build Intimacy and Trust

Creating relationship intimacy takes effort and offers many benefits, such as greater health, well-being, and improved survival by 50 percent (Holt-Lunstad, 2010). Thriving is more likely to occur when people are intimately connected to important others, as they help others feel “understood, accepted, and cared for” (Pietromonoco, 2017, Laurenceau, 1998, Reis, 1988). Despite its importance, achieving intimacy is easier said than done.

We previously touched upon basic intimacy skills, which include knowing yourself, managing yourself, and connecting with significant others through deep listening and sharing authentically. Such practices offer basic listening skills that can enrich any and all of our relationships, not just the ones that we are seeking to deepen to more intimate levels.

However, conversation is only one part of cultivating intimate relationships. For trust to grow, the ensuing action should be in accord with previous conversations and shared experiences.

Here are six strategies to help you connect the dots between what you see and hear and what you do.

Listen to understand.

By now, you may have been practicing helping others feel “understood, accepted, and cared for” through reflective, empathic listening with affirmations ("Intimacy Matters: Five Practices for Deep Listening"). When practiced regularly, you will grow more proficient as you build your relationship with others.

During intimate conversations, by paraphrasing the content of the message, both cognitive and emotional, you are demonstrating that you understand what was said both verbally and non-verbally. Simply feeling heard can go a long way towards improving the quality of the speaker’s emotions, which can benefit your relationship too.

Integrate.

It might be tempting to assume that your job is complete at the end of an intimate conversation. However, it’s only the beginning in some cases, for your understanding of that person and the situation should be intentionally and proactively applied to the larger context of your relationship.

For example, if your loved one tells you that she hates when you forget her birthday, she might feel better after a conversation where she feels heard by the listener. Since she is unlikely to take kindly if you were to forget her birthday again, it’s important that you integrate your understanding into your subsequent actions to enable the trust to continue to grow. That will take some additional thought and planning, as you will see below.

Be curious.

When your loved one (or colleague or acquaintance) is dissatisfied or upset by your behavior, recognizing and honoring their truth is only the first step.

For instance, “remembering a birthday” means different things to different people. Though you may know this person well, it might be beneficial to approach the subject with openness and a beginner’s mind as you seek to understand their perspective. Is verbal acknowledgment sufficient? If not, what type of recognition would feel satisfying? How would this differ for a milestone birthday? Are there other scenarios that might evoke a similar response, such as an anniversary or holiday?

Seeking clarity on which part of the recognition, in this case, really matters to them can help you successfully navigate similar situations in the future.

Anticipate.

After obtaining a clearer sense of what a significant other wants and needs, you have the opportunity to demonstrate your understanding and desire to honor their wishes in the future. For instance, based on the information received, plan your strategy to create trust. In this case, your strategy might include setting calendar reminders and scheduling time to prepare for the birthday in advance.

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You don’t always have to just play defense; you may alternatively choose to be proactive about showing your commitment to your relationship. Communicating using their preferred love language (Chapman, 2010) early and often about this and a wide array of subjects can create a repository of goodwill from which future withdrawals (i.e., misunderstandings) can be made without bankrupting the relationship.

Take ownership.

Just because someone expresses a wish or desire to you, it is not your obligation to fulfill it. Though you may not feel that a birthday remembrance is a large ask, other types of requests may feel unrealistic or cross a personal or professional boundary. If complying with a request will make you feel angry or resentful, it will likely do more harm than good in the long run.

Proactively discussing your concerns from the perspective of your inner truth ("6 Ways Intimate Partners Can Communicate Their Needs") and working towards collaboration to find a middle ground is more likely to foster shared learning, growth, and thus resilience in the relationship.

Keep learning and practicing.

Not all asks and ensuing actions are as clear-cut as the birthday example. Your loved one may be too uncomfortable or unable to clearly articulate their feelings and needs. You may have to use empathy, detective skills, and your spidey-sense to observe their behavior, feelings, and words conveyed around this topic.

Be particularly attentive to what is said and done in interactions with others. This is beneficial since personal bias may color your judgment when based solely on your personal interactions.

For example, if you see him getting upset when he’s interrupted or corrected, you might form a hypothesis that disrespect or feeling not valued might be his trigger. Intuitive information may also be used as additional data to inform your hypothesis.

This is far from an exact science, and multiple conversations and experimentation may be required for you both to wrap your heads and hearts around solutions that meet both of your needs. Cookie-cutter responses and approaches are of limited value, so evaluate them on a case-by-case basis.

If this sounds like a lot of work, it’s because it is. Good relationships take effort and commitment but reap immeasurable rewards for our quality of life, health, and well-being.

Many resources are available to help you hone your relationship skills, such as podcasts, blogs, and books. Your efforts to learn and grow will pay off in the long run, so embrace this opportunity to create a rich and rewarding life for yourself and those around you.

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