Continuing the Self-Esteem Conversation

Now that the Oscars have come and gone, it’s time to reminisce about the most memorable moments. As a person with a rare form of alopecia, it will always be “the slap.” The slap continues to be talked about a year later, with #AlopeciaAreataIsNoJoke trending.

Was I horrified that Will Smith went to such great lengths to prove his point? Yes. But was I also thrilled that alopecia finally gained the attention it deserved? Yes. I can tell you from first-hand experience that a diagnosis of alopecia universalis, complete hair loss, messed with my self-esteem in a big way. It’s been nearly eight years since my diagnosis, and I am just now recovering my confidence and making strides with my self-esteem.

My last post looked at the science of self-esteem and its influence on mental, emotional, and physical health. Low self-esteem can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, poor physical health, increased anti-social behavior, and unhealthy relationships.¹ In addition, people with low self-esteem tend to be more negative, are less enthusiastic, and are more susceptible to stress.²

So, let’s continue the conversation by digging a little deeper into some misconceptions and, most importantly, how to encourage behaviors that can enhance self-esteem.

Narcissism and Self-Esteem

One misconception is that narcissism and high self-esteem are the same or similar. The research is clear that the two are very different. In fact, studies show that people who are narcissistic often have low self-esteem described as unstable and fragile.³ Self-esteem is a person’s view of their worth and value—how they see themselves, whereas a person who is narcissistic has feelings of grandiosity, entitlement, and superiority over others.⁴

Simply put, narcissism is more of an outward act, whereas self-esteem is inward. For example, a person with high self-esteem exhibits traits such as warmth, encouragement, and agreeability that connect themself to the larger social world in a healthy manner, whereas the narcissist is excessively self-promotional and arrogant, more interested in getting ahead versus getting along.⁵

Healthy Selfishness, Self-Care, and Self-Esteem

Another misconception can be that a person with high self-esteem tends to be selfish. It’s true that the narrow definition of the word selfish means to focus on one’s own pleasure and well-being without regard for others; however, I agree with the scientists and psychologists who believe the dictionary definition only describes “unhealthy selfishness” and does not consider “healthy selfishness.”⁵

In The Conquest of Happiness, Bertrand Russell writes, “Any pleasure that does not harm other people is to be valued.” This speaks to the issue that not all selfishness is bad. Self-care as a tool to find pleasure and happiness can even help enhance self-esteem as one feels worthy and deserving of happiness and pleasure.

A 2017 randomized clinical trial involving female health professionals found that a self-care intervention, including massage and aromatherapy, improved self-esteem and the ability to manage stress compared to those who did not do the self-care protocol.²

Healthy selfishness, which is respect for one’s joy, growth, and freedom, as illustrated by consistent, proactive self-care, can positively impact individual self-esteem and those we interact with.⁶ In this way, healthy selfishness is quite the opposite of narcissism and correlates more with high self-esteem.

Changing Behaviors

BJ Fogg, the author of Tiny Habits, explains that for behaviors to change, they require three elements to converge simultaneously: motivation, ability, and a prompt. He says that one of those three elements is missing if the behavior does not change. And I’ll add a fourth: consistency.

For me, it came down to recognizing and changing my inner voice. When I was first diagnosed with alopecia, every time I randomly saw my bald reflection, I would silently say to myself, “yuck!” Think about how many times a day you see your reflection in a window, mirror, etc. That was a lot of “yuck” for me! After realizing the damage this was doing to my self-esteem, I decided to use my reflection as my prompt that Fogg encourages. Instead of “yuck,” I began just to pause and smile (in the beginning, it was often a forced smile but a smile nonetheless). I then switched to saying to myself, “you’ve got this,” every time I encountered my reflection, my prompt. And then finally (as consistently as I could), I would say to myself, “you’re beautiful.” Imagine what it does to a person’s self-esteem to think “you’re beautiful” every time you see your reflection throughout the day!

Self-Esteem Essential Reads

“I’m Not Good Enough”

Mirror, Mirror: The Danger of Empty Reflections

A healthy diet and physical activity are also associated with higher self-esteem, so focusing on changing those behaviors will enhance confidence. In one study involving adolescents, those who adhered to a healthy Mediterranean diet and consistent physical activity had higher self-esteem, better physical and mental health, and more positive relationships.⁷

Unfortunately, I know first-hand that when your self-esteem is low, you may not feel deserving of good health, so making an effort to lead a healthy lifestyle can be difficult. Here I echo Fogg’s sentiment that tiny habits create small behavior changes that develop into a way of life for the long haul. For example, if you drink three sodas per day, replace two of the three with sparkling water or some other healthy beverage. If you are not eating enough fruit, commit to eating an apple every morning (you know what they say about an apple a day). The fact is tiny habits result in big changes over time.

It's Worth the Effort

Changing behaviors to enhance self-esteem is not easy, but it can be done, and it must be done to protect and enhance health from a mind, body, and spirit perspective. Let that be your motivation. Now that you have your motivation know that you have the ability to identify your prompts and keep it consistent. Using this formula will show you that high self-esteem is within reach.