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QUESTION
Dear Friendship Doctor,
Where do I start? I work out at a gym each morning and three years ago I became friendly with two women that were already friends. One woman (Jody) is very cheerful and we have spent time chatting on the phone several times per week and occasionally getting together. The other woman (Pat) and her husband have dined at my home with my husband but she has become increasingly negative and prone to crying fits at the gym over the mess she’s making of her life. She’s married but looking for men to have affairs with, drinks too much, has emotional issues, etc.)
Last year I decided that I couldn’t continue to ruin my morning workouts with her drama any longer. Little by little I tried to pull away from Pat. When she didn’t take the hint I started to avoid her and I went to the gym two hours earlier thinking that this would be the kinder way to ease out of the friendship.
I did not discuss this with Jody because I did not want to put her in an awkward position, although there had been times when Jody and I discussed how reckless Pat’s behavior had become. Eventually, seven months ago, Jody told me that Pat was upset that I wasn’t available to her and I admitted that Pat’s outbursts were disrupting my gym time, that I no longer could endure the rants, the rude remarks, the meltdowns. Although Jody wanted me to ‘kiss and make up’ with Pat, she understood why I would feel this way, and Jody and Pat continued their friendship.
Pat and I continue to go to the gym five days a week at different hours while Jody goes to the gym once or twice per week. Several months ago Pat pointedly asked Jody whether Jody and I were still friends and Jody lied and said not really. Pat is very jealous of anyone taking Jody’s time so she continued to ask about the status of Jody’s friendship with me. Throughout this time, whenever I bumped into Pat, I would be pleasant, ask after her family and leave before she had an opportunity to start complaining about her life.
Unfortunately Jody continued to deny our friendship and two months ago Pat saw Jody and I give each other a hug as I was leaving the gym resulting in the biggest meltdown to date. Jody told Pat that I no longer wanted to be Pat’s friend and now Pat’s tears have turned to hostility. Pat will not so much as acknowledge my presence when she sees me and goes out of her way to greet people that I’m in conversation with.
The icing on the cake is that now Jody is avoiding the gym altogether until last week when she and Pat came out of the locker room together, walked by me and Jody did not even acknowledge me. Much later that day (12 hours later) Jody left a message on my phone saying that she had planned to come over and say hello but well, it was awkward.
I find this ridiculous. We are all in our fifties, Jody has had her fair share of frustrations with Pat and yet I’m getting iced out. I applaud that she is resilient enough to tolerate Pat’s bad behavior but I feel very hurt that I’m being treated like a dirty secret. Would appreciate some suggestions as to how to deal with this.
Thanks. Emma
ANSWER
Hi Emma,
It’s understandable that you would want to distance yourself from Pat if you haven’t been comfortable spending time with her. Changing your gym routine was a gracious way to dilute the relationship without confronting her about behavior that isn’t likely to change in the near term. It was also honorable of you to not badmouth her unnecessarily to Jody.
However, Jody was wrong in outright lying to Pat about her relationship with you. Although she may have done this because, like you, she didn’t want to incur Pat’s wrath, she placed you and herself in an untenable situation.
If you still want to maintain a friendship with Jody, tell her you are uncomfortable having a clandestine relationship with her. This leaves the ball is in her court in terms of whether she wants to maintain friendships with you both or wants to choose one friendship over another. You might also want to seek out other gym rats that are easier to deal with.
Hope this helps!
Best, Irene
