Attachment on the Autism Spectrum

Have you ever been with someone you couldn’t quite figure out? Maybe they correspond with you fluently via text but then seem stilted and make odd comments during conversation. Maybe they come across as being super interested when they message you but then seem reserved and disinterested in person. They might seem anxious or fidgety, but then disengage—and you might feel confused. It might be that they have a disorganized/fearful attachment style or it might be a neuroatypical presentation.

Attachment theory is a bio-psycho-social theory of personality that articulates how early familial environments and parenting predispose patterns of perceiving the world, processing emotions, and behaving that follow us all the way through adulthood and have a significant impact on our adult relationships.

Four Basic Attachment Styles

Psychologists have identified four basic attachment styles that correspond with patterns of parenting. People with secure styles are typically raised by parents who are consistently responsive, warm, and available. Those with dismissing/avoidant attachment styles often have parents who are disinterested in providing comfort or close relationships and focus on rewarding their kids for achievement. Individuals with preoccupied/anxious styles have parents who are inconsistent… sometimes warm and available, sometimes cold and rejecting. And people who develop fearful/disorganized attachment styles have parents who are either frightened or frightening.

Children rely on their parents for their survival and safety. And, so, they have no choice but to do their best to remain connected. As such, they adjust to their parents by adapting the ways they perceive the world, think, feel, and behave. These patterns become deeply embedded personality traits, or, more specifically, attachment styles. Secure people adapt by seeing the world as a safe and predictable place where there will always be other people available to provide comfort and support. Dismissing people grow up denying their emotional needs or their own vulnerability and become highly achievement-oriented and more interested in work than in other people. Preoccupied people respond by becoming hypervigilant for signs of rejection and reacting quickly with strong emotions to head rejection off at the pass. This leads them to become “preoccupied” with other people.

People with fearful styles have to cope with scary situations where the parent is totally unresponsive (e.g., so depressed they don’t get out of bed), frightened (e.g., mom is being battered), or frightening (e.g., one or both parents are overtly rageful and/or physically abusive). In all these cases, the growing child is forced to try to get comfort and reassurance from someone who simply can’t comfort or reassure them or someone who is just as scary as what the child was frightened of in the first place. And, so, the child cannot shut down and deny their emotions (like with dismissing attachment). Nor can they head bad feelings off at the pass by being clingy and asking for lots of reassurance (like with preoccupied attachment). Being stuck in this quandary where nothing works, they become disoriented in their reactions to other people and their emotional systems become disorganized (they get overstimulated or shut down in a haphazard fashion).

And here is the problem.

Similarities With Autism Spectrum Disorder

The markers of fearful/disorganized attachment can be similar to those of people who have mild forms of autism—and remember: It’s called a “spectrum” because it ranges all the way from fairly normal functioning to high degrees of impairment.

Although the behavior may be similar, someone who appears to have a fearful attachment style might actually be on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum. Moran (2010) identified eight symptoms that can be present in both autism and insecure attachment: inflexibility, odd behaviors, poor social interaction, problems with mentalizing and theory of mind, poor communication, deficits in emotional regulation, problems with executive function, and sensory integration.

Telling the difference between fearful attachment and when someone is neuroatypical and on the spectrum can be difficult. There is no clear cause or biological markers for autism and so there is no genetic testing to be done. You can, however, clearly see the developmental causes of fearful attachment. So, consistent with the recommendations of McKenzie and Dallos (2017), you should not conclude that anyone has a fearful style without corroborating this with hearing their childhood history with parents (or other significant loss/trauma). If their story includes steady parental support and love, and a lack of fearful experiences and trauma, you might be talking to someone on the spectrum.

Someone on the spectrum could have a secure (or other) attachment style despite being overstimulated, a bit odd socially, and emotionally disorganized. They are likely to seek support consistently from the same person and, unlike fearful attachment, they are not likely to love you one day and hate you the next. Their attitudes toward you will remain consistent.

Attachment Essential Reads

Why You Keep Falling for the "Wrong" Person

"Baby Reindeer" and the Psychology of Attachment

If you think someone might be on the spectrum, here are some suggestions:

1. Don’t judge someone quickly based on their surface presentation—the way they act when you initially meet them.
2. Take time to know their story before you pass judgment or pass on a relationship, whether friendship or romance.
3. Don’t put as much weight on social signaling to tell if they are attracted to you and want something more.
4. Tell them what you are thinking; don’t make them guess.
5. Consider making the first move. The other person might not “read the moment” or be too afraid of misreading the moment to do what they really want.

Remember not to rule people out too quickly. In an age of rapid dating and online information that facilitates our quickly putting people into in-groups and out-groups and boxes like avoidant, fearful, or autistic, it can be tempting to pass on getting to know someone and move quickly onto the next option. But keep in mind that everything is on a spectrum. Psychologists, even this one, use “types,” “styles,” and “labels” to convey very complex information to people in a way that they can reasonably understand without having to earn a doctorate in psychology. But if someone is “autistic,” they could range from being nonverbal to being a tech mogul you see on your news feed. And if they have a fearful attachment “style” they could be super anxious and depressed or be the nurse of doctor you saw this morning for your annual checkup. The truth is that we all exist between the lines and on a spectrum.