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Questions for Emotionally Complicated Caregiving
Not all family relationships are harmonious. This makes caregiving challenging.
Posted May 12, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Many people have a damaged relationship with someone for whom they are expected to be a caregiver.
- Deciding whether to be a caregiver for someone can be fraught with emotion.
- There are a few questions a potential caregiver can ask themselves before embarking on the journey.
What if I don’t really like my elder?
Oh boy, this one is tough.
Any person may refuse help. They may be irresponsible about their medications and blow off their appointments. They may try to sabotage the help you give another loved one for whatever convoluted reasons. They may not grasp reality. It sounds absurd, but anything can happen. And it does.
I’m not talking about that stuff. I’m talking about what to do if you don’t actually like your person—maybe you love them, maybe you don’t, but you definitely don’t like them and you don’t like to be around them.
You don’t have to look hard to find people who had bad experiences in childhood. They were emotionally abused, physically abused, gaslighted, neglected, mocked, insulted, and more. These people have every right to walk away from their parent.
Yet, that is not the only potential response to the situation.
It is a conundrum. If a child, who is now a hurting adult, does not help their parent, who will? Is there anyone else or is there just a downward spiral into chaos?
The impact of a spiral is real. It can result in sudden death. It can cause the death of others in a car accident. It can invite judgment from others who do not understand the history of the relationship or who believe that children should sacrifice for their parents no matter how they were and are treated.
A therapist is surely better equipped to advise on this, so I do encourage you to explore it with a professional if that is an option.
Questions to Ask Yourself
In any case, you may want to evaluate the situation from a few angles:
- How is my mental health?
- If I am triggered by the past, what will happen and can I afford that disruption to my well-being at this time? Do I have support to help me on this journey?
- If my elder continues to treat me poorly, how will my mind, heart, and body respond?
- Will I be able to heal through and/or after this intense caregiving experience?
- Can I support my elder without being overly exposed to negative behavior (long car rides, staying with them, living with me, etc.)?
- What resources do I have to care for myself during and after the caregiving experience?
- What are the risks to my friendships, romantic relationship, financial situation, and career?
- Is there a way to come out of this stronger?
- Who else can help my elder? Is there a way to support that person rather than manage a direct connection?
It’s altogether possible that you don’t even need to assess the situation this thoroughly because you already know that you won’t walk away from the situation no matter the nature of the relationship. In that case, the questions are more about self-care while you do it.
Or maybe you already know that it is simply unimaginable to do it. And that is also legitimate.
There's nothing peppy about this topic. You’re the only person who knows what you can do. Or can't.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
