How Survivors of Sex Abuse Can Stop Compulsive Sex Practices

Just as many who were traumatized by childhood sexual abuse often reenact the abuse by being re-victimized, others reenact the past abuse by being sexually aggressive or overly focused on sex. Some use sex or pornography compulsively as a distraction from their pain and shame, while others find ways to dominate or humiliate their sexual partners. But behind that aggression, behind that need to dominate or humiliate others, is a little child who is still shaking in his boots. Pretending to be tough and strong isn’t really solving the problem. And shaming and humiliating others before they have a chance to do it to you doesn’t help either. What will help is to take off the mask, tear down that wall and face the truth.

To survivors of sexual abuse: You are just as vulnerable, just as hurt as any other victim of child sexual abuse and you need to address your pain, humiliation and fear instead of hiding it from yourself. Start by doing the following:

• Instead of insisting on sex or compulsively masturbating or watching pornography, ask yourself if sex is really what you need. Young children who were sexually abused often discover, perhaps for the first time, that their sexual organs can provide good feelings. This can be the start of compulsive masturbation or sexual compulsion as the child and later the adult, grows to rely on sexual pleasure and sexual release in order to cope with feelings of shame, anxiety, fear and anger. When you begin to obsess about sex it may be a signal that you are feeling shame or that you are feeling anxious, afraid, or angry. You may use sex as a way of avoiding your feelings and staying dissociated.
• Ask yourself what constant sexual activity does for you. For many former victims, sex becomes one of the only ways they can feel worthy or one of the only ways they can interact with another person. In other words, you may be having sex to fill needs that are not necessarily sexual, such as needs for physical contact, intimacy, and self-worth. You may be seeking sex because you need to be held. Many former victims don’t feel loved unless they are engaging in sex with someone. Ask yourself, what painful emotions does the compulsion help me avoid? One of my clients answered the question in this way: “Having a lot of sex makes me feel powerful. It keeps me from feeling how helpless and powerless I felt when I was being abused by my father.”
• Learn what your triggers are. It is important to discover what emotions or circumstances can catapult you back in the past to memories of the abuse. If you haven’t made a trigger list, do so now. For example, if rejection is a trigger for you, any time you imagine someone is ignoring you or becoming distant you may rely on engaging in sex as a way of comforting yourself.
• Check to see if you have been triggered by shame, an especially powerful and common trigger. For example, if you have been triggered by shame (your partner complains about the fact that you don’t make more money) offer yourself some self-compassion. Compassion is the antidote to shame so tell yourself something like, “It is understandable that I would feel shame about not making more money. But I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. I don’t feel good enough about myself to go out and try to find a better paying job but eventually I will.” This is also where self-soothing strategies come in. Instead of using sex or sexual fantasies to soothe yourself, find strategies that work for you such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, or looking at soothing images such as pictures of loved ones or favorite places.
• If you tend to be sexually controlling or demanding, practice taking a more passive or receptive role. At first, this will likely feel uncomfortable or even scary. You took on an aggressive stance in order to avoid feeling small or vulnerable. But if you can practice being more passive a little at a time (i.e. turning over so that you are on the bottom and your partner is on top) you will likely discover that it actually feels good to allow sexual feelings to rise up inside of you instead of always pushing yourself and your partners to experience sexual feelings.
• Allow yourself to be more vulnerable with your sexual partners. If a partner has opened up to you and shared information about their childhood, see if you can do the same. You don’t have to tell the person that you were sexually abused but test out how it feels to share other information about your childhood that you don’t normally share with others. Opening up and becoming vulnerable will feel risky at first but if you choose wisely who you reveal yourself to, you will likely discover that it feels good to be more open.
• Avoid exposure to things that reinforce or replicate the sexual abuse mindset. This includes television programs, movies, books, magazines, websites and other influences that portray sex as manipulation, coercion, domination or violence.
• Avoid pornography or work toward weaning yourself of pornography if you use it compulsively. For former victims, pornography can be problematic, re-enacting an abusive dynamic that disengages you from yourself and opportunities for respectful sexual relationships. Pornography has aspects of sexual abuse that can be potentially replicated: secrecy, shame, and dominance—all tied up with sexual arousal. And pornography is especially harmful to sexual healing because it is often a depiction of sex as one person dominating another (usually a male dominating a female) which is a re-enactment of child sexual abuse. Specific problems caused by watching pornography include: 1) After viewing pornography and masturbating to it, it is common for former victims to feel shame, disgust and failure—the very feelings they have been trying to get relief from in the first place. 2) Viewing pornography is, generally speaking, not about connection, intimacy, and affection. Instead, there is a blurring of boundaries around acceptable sexual behaviors, especially where there are overtly humiliating or degrading practices. Researchers have found that over 80% of pornography includes acts of physical aggression towards women, while almost 50% includes verbal aggression. Only 10% of scenes contained positive caring behaviors such as kissing, embracing or laughter. 3) Former victims tend to keep their pornography watching a secret from their partners. This can mirror the way sexual abuse was kept a secret and in that sense can be a re-enactment. When their partner finds out, their sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. The secrecy, deception and sense of betrayal that partners feel can cause as much harm to the relationship as the pornography itself, including negative effects on their relationship; lowered self-esteem; feeling less attractive and desirable; feeling insecure.
• Use new language when referring to sex. The way a person talks about sex influences how he or she thinks about it. Avoid slang terms such as screwing, banging, getting a piece, etc. Instead, use terms such as making love, being physically intimate. Stop using vulgar words for body parts. Instead, use accurate, anatomically correct terms.
• Learn more about healthy sex. Read books and articles that can help you educate yourself more about healthy sex. Attend classes, lectures, or workshops at which healthy models for sex are being presented.
• Tell someone about the abuse. The most important benefit of disclosing is that you will be allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to admit how much you were hurt. This will help you lower your defenses and not always have to be the one in charge.
• Enter psychotherapy or join a survivor’s group. This can be especially difficult for men. Research has found that male survivors are less likely to report or discuss their trauma and more likely to externalize their responses to CSA by engaging in compulsive sexual behavior.

Whether you have reenacted the sexual abuse by taking on an aggressive stance in your sexual relationships, using sex or pornography compulsively, or refusing to be vulnerable in your romantic relationships, you can choose to let go of these unhealthy practices and begin to heal the abuse by lowering your defensive walls, becoming more vulnerable and reaching out for help.