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In the previous post, we talked about how personality traits are a form of baggage each partner brings to their marriage. The characteristics that define who we are as individuals are what’s underneath our thoughts and emotions, and affect how we think about our partner and act in our relationship.
We also bring other types of baggage with us, beyond our individual personality characteristics. These are probably best described as behavioral styles that we’ve adopted over the years. One of these is expressivity. This is usually a problem for men, or more precisely, a problem that women have about men, and includes being in touch with one’s emotions and being able to express them. When couples are emotionally expressive, each partner believes the other is actively and emotionally engaged, and that helps them feel close to each other. There’s also greater clarity in communication and that makes it easier for them to work through problems. When we know our partner’s thoughts and feelings, we can understand their needs and be more effective in meeting those needs.
At the opposite end is inexpressiveness, the inability to make one’s true feelings known. Emotional inexpressiveness can be interpreted by our partner as ambivalence. If our partner cannot express themselves, we’re never really sure of their thoughts and intensions, and that make it almost impossible to discuss problems. Inexpressiveness can also cause broader problems. When we’re uncertain what our partners are thinking or feeling, we can develop a more generalized sense of insecurity. We might question how our partner feels about us and where our relationship stands overall. And when we’re not sure where we stand, we’re might distance ourselves emotionally in an effort to protect ourselves.
Constraint is another, and it relates to our ability to control our impulses. Constraint is much more than just being able to avoid extra-marital affairs; it relates to how we conduct ourselves on a day to day basis. It’s what keeps us from over-reacting to all kinds of situations. The underlying dynamic to constraint is commitment. We’re best at controlling our impulses when we’re committed to our spouse and our marriage. Commitment makes us feel there’s nothing more important than keeping our relationship happy, so we’re careful about what we do and say.
Relationships sometimes run into problems because partners are hurtful to each other, and that’s likely to happen with a low constraint partner. Without constraint, we might make a sarcastic comment or give our partners a hostile glance for something they’ve said or done, even if it’s harmless or silly. We tend to be impulsive and cannot disengage emotionally. So, during conflicts, we’re prone to lose our patience, surrender rational thinking, and let our emotions get the better of us. We might say things that we shouldn’t or that convey a negative attitude through our tone of voice or body language. Consequently, our arguments are likely to be intense and will usually move off the issue, and that means we’ll have a hard time finding solutions.
A third is narcissism. Narcissistic individuals focus primarily on their own personal needs and interests. They have a few positive qualities (e.g., high self-esteem), but these can’t make up for their negative traits when it comes to intimate relationships. Narcissists typically lack empathy, have difficulty making emotional connections, and tend to exploit the people around them.
In marriage, narcissists put their own needs ahead of those of their relationship and their partner. They’re less inclined to compromise and can act aggressively when criticized, believe their personal interests are threatened, or feel rejected. A disagreement with a narcissist partner often ends with a “my way or the highway” attitude, so we’re not likely to feel they’re interested in making sure many of our own needs are satisfied. We’re also likely to resent their unwillingness to bend and their demand that we be subservient. And if we show our resentment, they’re apt to interpret it as a signal that they’re not loved, or at least not loved as they want to be, so the relationship becomes less important to them.
Then there’s the things we learn from our parents as to how to think and act in an intimate relationship. According to psychologist Albert Bandura, many of our thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors are learned through watching and imitating the influential people around us, and most influential of all are our parents.
We might, for example, mimic their communication styles. If our parents bicker or use sarcasm, or do a lot of yelling when they argue, we’re likely to use these same tactics in our relationships. If they deny problems or avoid dealing with them head on, we may have difficulty confronting our own problems as adults. Furthermore, whether or not we believe our parents were happy can influence our overall perspective on marriage. We see marriage as good or bad, depending on what it was like in our home, and we use that attitude to guide how we think about our own marriage.
For couples with chronic problems, be it constant fighting or feeling disconnected, sometimes they stem from our idiosyncrasies, personality traits, or past experiences. Events may serve as triggers, but it may be how we think and act in response to events, rather than the events themselves, that are at the root of a conflict. More to the point, it’s how you express who you are, that is, the emotions, attitudes, and behaviors you display to your partner, that might be the real problem.
If we have certain traits that get in the way of our relationships, we can change the way these traits manifest themselves. We can learn to be more open-minded and flexible in our thinking. We can learn to put negative thoughts aside so that we can interpret events more realistically and alter the ways we express our emotions. If we respond with anger every time we’re frustrated, we can learn to monitor our anger, change our thinking about frustration, and express ourselves more appropriately. Excusing bad behaviors because that’s “who you are” is nonsense. Screaming and yelling is a behavior, an expression of your anger, and that can be changed. So, don’t let yourself or others use innate nature or childhood experiences as an excuse for not learning to act in more appropriate ways.
Of course, some things we want to change may be hard to accomplish on our own. Such patterns as narcissism, inexpressiveness, and low constraint can be well-imbedded in us and may have their own underlying causes. Yet these are precisely the kinds of problems that are the bread and butter of counselors and therapists. In other words, they’re very treatable but they require the right kind of help.
We have to be careful when we conclude that a partner’s personal flaw is what’s wrong with our marriage. First, if that’s so, we need to recognize that it’s their choice to change, not ours. If they choose not to, we really don’t have much choice but to adjust our thinking and accept them as they are, if we plan to stay in the marriage. However, we also ought to consider that it might be our own flaws, or our beliefs and expectations, which lead us to blame our partner. Who we are and how we think might lead us to misinterpret situations. So, while we’d like to believe the fault lies within our partner, it might in fact lie within ourselves.
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