Figuring Out the Commitment Dance

Source: Photo by Jusdevoyage on Unsplash.

I wrote a popular blog post in 2017 entitled "3 True Signs of Relationship Commitment." It’s about how to think about what may or may not signal commitment in a developing relationship.

A woman wrote a question in a comment to that piece. She noted that I do not normally respond to comments. But sometimes I do, and this was one of those times where the question was so good I wanted to share it and my response with you.

With Lara’s permission, that’s what this post is about. Although my response is certainly not comprehensive, it covers a lot of the ground for things I’d recommend that anyone in Lara’s type of situation give thought to in order to find a path.

Lara wrote on 2-4-2021:

Is there a way to fix asymmetrical relationships?

I know you don't respond to comments that often, and this is an older article, but is it possible to fix the asymmetry you've spoken of in your other articles? I'll give you an example of what I'm going through. Keep in mind this is a long-distance relationship, and we have not met yet:

At first, my "partner" (and to use your terms, B), was the one who was chasing me, A. Since I was distancing myself I had control, although I didn't realize that was happening until I read your blog recently. The tables have turned and it seems that I, A, am now the one with the anxious attachment.

Here's the twist. We did have "The Talk" and clarified where we are, multiple times. At first, it was "more than friends but not a couple" which is back to being just friends since I freaked B out with my intensity. B has said that if we ever do meet, it would take him a long time before he's ready to consider me his girlfriend. I get it, he has issues of his own due to his childhood, but is this relationship already doomed?

Another reader responded to her, “R,” and their response was quite good but I won’t include it here. But here’s what I wrote in response to Lara, and I bring in the type of situation the other commenter raises. Note that Lara framed her question as being about asymmetrical commitment. I’ve written a lot about that and she's likely also read this piece about asymmetrically committed relationships.

My response to Lara [lightly edited]

Hi Lara. I like pretty well what "R" wrote. It gets at the biggest tension point in all this. Let me describe different types of situations in romantic relationships:

The couple is asymmetrically committed and, for whatever reasons, the less committed partner is not ever going to step up. They are unable to, or unable to do so in the present relationship. If the pattern relates to deeply seated avoidant attachment, that is cause for understanding the dynamic but one still might decide they are just not up for a life of that.

I imagine signs of this type of situation could look like the partner hanging onto alternatives, regularly monitoring alternatives in some serious way (where there is no attempt to actually shut the door), and being unable to own that they are struggling with committing more fully but would truly like this relationship to work. And, of course, major breaches in trust would be of great concern. The latter would encompass not merely difficulties with attachment but perhaps a mix of attachment and character issues. That’s not a recipe for success in the future of a relationship.

The couple where both are just trying to figure it out and it takes time, and they take turns pulling away and getting close because maybe both have been burned or both have some mix of attachment issues. This couple can make it if they keep talking about things, and both can accept that they have this dynamic but are working toward seeing if they can make it work. I don’t mean talking constantly about the relationship, but often enough so they can each know where things are at.

One of the bigger dilemmas in this is if one partner is being deceptive and says the right things but is not really serious about commitment and working through the attachment dynamics. The difficult fact is that some people are really struggling and trying to make things work and others are just good at being deceptive and stringing a person along. I'm also sure there are some people who walk that line and cannot tell the difference in themselves. For the person looking for lasting commitment, it can be very hard to tell the difference, but it’s important to keep trying to do that. That’s a lot of what my article linked above on signs of true commitment is pointing at.

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The couple where things are developing normally, but there are some of these issues about attachment and difficulty committing in one both partners. Lots of couples who marry now know each other five years beforehand. I mean, a lot. With few pressures to settle down, some couples take a long time to figure it out. The key question in that path is simply if there is any substantial risk of the couple not getting to that point, and it's what at least one person wants, and in the long time of working things out, that person is risking losing time they could have spent with someone else in building the life and/or family they want.

My main point here is that this pattern is pretty normal, and for a while, it’s not uncommon to bounce a little back and forth between who is chasing more (who is leaning in more and who is leaning out more).

What’s “a while?" That depends and there is no easy answer, but you want to see things moving toward resolving over time. Here’s a metaphor: Progress for some couples looks a lot like that device where a marble is circling a hole, going round and round a funnel, getting closer and closer to the center until it drops into place. If a relationship is not, mostly, at least slowly moving toward the center, there is not enough gravity for the relationship to make it even if both are well-meaning. (Here’s the image, but with coins, in this video, starting at 52 seconds. Do not be overly concerned about the idea of the marble going down the drain here. Not my point.)

The couple who shows the dynamic like the other commenter noted, which is being committed to someone with significant issues or struggles. What "R" wrote about is real and quite important. Sometimes people fall in love and become deeply committed to someone who has some significant struggles, and those may include commitment and attachment issues but could include any number of other vulnerabilities or quirks.

Let’s suppose the good case of this situation. The partner who is struggling is not playing around, not stepping out, not looking for someone else, not open to someone else (they are committed in a way), but they do have trouble getting consistent and smooth about their commitment or expression of it in this relationship. (These points apply to other types of struggles in life as well.) My point is, that partner may not be a risk because they do not want it to work, they may be a risk mostly because of their ongoing struggles.

Here, one has to decide if they really want that life, knowing it may just be like this, but they love this person. No one is getting a partner who is perfect nor is anyone offering perfection to another. To some degree, when we commit, we are committing to a particular mix of imperfections in the other and hoping for someone to accept ours as well. That's real.

One of the most important questions in all this becomes "what can I commit to?" There are many situations where one commits to another and then both find out that one or the other has some difficult, chronic medical or mental health problem that leads to ongoing challenges and stressors in life. At some point, one has to decide if this person I am with is someone I can commit to with the assumption that they may not change in some respects that bother me. Sometimes those will be the very things that my commitment to this person revolves around for years.

Summing up, I cannot answer the question for you with your partner, but I do think these are reasonable examples of types of situations for someone to consider as they try to work it all out.

Wish you the best.