Have You Ever Been with a Sexual Narcissist?

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How equal is your sexual relationship? Is the sexual focus in the bedroom more about your partner and less about you? If it’s all about them and not about you, you may be sleeping with a "sexual narcissist."

Sexual narcissism, which is not a clinical diagnosis, refers to a person possessing characteristics of narcissism but not to the extent of a personality disorder. The differentiation between sexual narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder is important. In the case of sexual narcissism, the narcissistic traits only exist in sexual situations. Those with narcissistic personality disorder may exhibit narcissistic sexual behaviors, but they also present narcissistic behaviors in other facets of social life.

Narcissism itself is characterized by a heightened sense of self-importance, arrogance, lack of empathy for others, and the need for admiration. For the sexual narcissist, these traits are only manifested in relation to sexual intimacy. If you suspect you may be in a sexual relationship with a sexual narcissist, here are some telltale signs:

Indicators of Sexual Narcissism

First, it is important to note that the sexual narcissist has a need to control the sexual script. The bedroom account becomes the sole construction of the narcissist. The sexual partner is viewed as little more than a necessary instrument in their sexual narrative.

One indicator of sexual narcissism is that the person may readily criticize their partner in bed. The sexual narcissist has little to no reluctance in negatively critiquing the sexual skills of their partner — all in an attempt to boast of their own sexual prowess. They may name call or bully in addition to critique. And, instead of feeling sorry or having pangs of guilt for the negative evaluation, when their partner has an adverse reaction to it, they justify their actions.

In return, what they actually want is praise for their sexual skills. If you aren’t forthcoming with your praise, they may offer prompts to help their partner along, such as patting themselves on the back and telling you how much pleasure they gave you. They may even inquire often about orgasms and the number of orgasms you had in order to feed their ego. And, if their partner did not have an orgasm, the sexual narcissist is prepared to place blame on the dissatisfied partner.

There is nothing wrong with sexual confidence, but sexual narcissism goes beyond an illustration of confidence; this is a self-serving sexual ego that supersedes the intimate wants and needs of the partner. Further, you can expect a backlash from any attempt to improve their sexual technique. Even a helpful hint on how they can bring you more pleasure can result in reprisal. Remember, any sexual problem is your fault, not theirs.

The narcissist is only really interested in being praised and receiving pleasure. They are less interested in their partner’s pleasure, unless, of course, it threatens their sexual ego — even then, it’s not their fault. They have a connection to their pleasure, but not emotion. The sexual experience tends to be focused on that personal pleasure. The emotional aspect is not of interest to them.

Sex is an entitlement to the sexual narcissist. If that entitlement is withheld from them, they may be willing to use everything from manipulation techniques, such as shaming, to outright threats that they will leave the relationship or find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. They may accuse the partner who is not in the mood of being frigid or cheating.

Any of these cases can lead to coercion, not consent. In a study by McNulty and Widman (2010), sexual narcissism was associated with acts of sexual aggression including sexual coercion, unwanted sexual contact, and attempted and/or completed rape. Furthermore, the study made predictions toward the likelihood of future sexual acts of aggression.

McNulty and Widman’s work with sexual narcissism was not limited to the study linking sexual narcissism to sexual aggression. In a series of studies on sexual narcissism (2010, 2013, 2014), the researchers found positive associations with infidelity based on the facets of sexual narcissism, which include a sense of sexual entitlement, sexual exploitation, grandiose sense of sexual skill, and low sexual empathy.

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They also presented empirical results backing the theoretical premise of Lawrence and Byers’ (1995) model of sexual satisfaction, based partially on the relation of sexual rewards to sexual costs. In terms of sexual respect, empathy, and care contributing to sexual reward and satisfaction, the given traits of sexual narcissism attribute to lower sexual rewards for the partner of the narcissist and higher sexual costs, and thereby, lower sexual satisfaction.

A study by Zara and Özdemir (2018) explored the sexual behaviors of persons with narcissistic personality disorders. Consistent with what has been previously reported, narcissists put their focus on individuality rather than shared intimacy, have a strong tendency toward sexual permissiveness, place value on physical pleasure rather than emotion, place importance on their own sexual needs over the sexual needs of their partner, and view sexual relationships as a vehicle for the bolstering of their ego, often at the expense of their partner’s physical and emotional needs. In addition, the researchers found a tendency for narcissists to have more casual sex with multiple partners.

How to Handle a Sexual Narcissist

If you suspect your partner of being a sexual narcissist, you have a few options for moving forward. While one would hope you could have an open and transparent conversation with your partner, resulting in healthy outcomes, chances are that the narcissist would see this an an affront to their grandiose sense of self and retaliate. Getting help with couple’s therapy would be optimal, but that would involve the willingness of both partners.

If the sexual narcissist is unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions and work on the relationship, the next best thing to do would be to develop a safety plan for yourself. Remember, your well-being is important, even if you are being led to believe or are being told that it is not. You also need to set and demand adherence to sexual boundaries that work for you. Individual therapy may be beneficial in dealing with the situation, as well as developing a safety plan and setting boundaries. If your partner is unwilling to accept any of these measures, the relationship may have to come to an end.

And, if the sexual dynamics of the relationship have reached a point where sexual coercion or mental and/or physical sexual violence is present, then you should contact the proper authorities or organizations and seek assistance.

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