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Sex

Early “Sex” Among Straight Young Men

Themes emerge from positive recollections and erotic memories.

Key points

  • Most instances were never discussed with parents, teachers, or clinicians.
  • These contacts were considered to be both first genital stimulation and first sex.

Recap

In my previous post I described early erotic memories that were the result of boys having lustful attractions and penile stimulation. As boys, nearly all young men I interviewed recalled these as positive memories but were uncertain if they should tell others about them or keep it to themselves. If the boys disclosed these recollections it was usually to friends and not parents, teachers, or clinicians.

Erotic Memories

"Sharing" one’s genitals with a girl was not a common source of a first sexual memory for the young men, but it did occur. Several encounters happened during preschool or kindergarten naptime, which turned out to be an ideal time for the children to explore each other’s genitals. For example, during quiet time and under the covers, one young boy was receptive to “girls visiting me, kissing me, and feeling me up.” His explorations were simply a matter of “only having fun. No one saw us and nothing was wrong with it.” His sleeping rug became the most popular mat in class.

These genital contacts could be an unexpected and unplanned opportunities or an activity clearly anticipated, intended, and pursued. Nearly all were initiated by same-age girls, leaving the boys thrilled and wanting more of these activities. Because most genital contacts occurred prior to pubescence, the boys did not ejaculate but reported experiencing (dry) orgasms.

Scott

Scott described himself as lower middle class, outdoorsy, masculine, and a trouble maker. “I was not afraid of going against the norm or looking weird. Didn’t tether myself to any one group.” He assessed himself as “not buff and not obsessed with useless entertainment like professional sports.” In high school, Scott was considered to be “the most artistic” and was the first in his family to attend college. Scott has always felt close to his parents and intends to pursue agricultural research to develop a “totally green fertilizer” as a career.

When asked about his first sexual memory Scott was quick to reply, “Where there is a will, the kids will find a way.” His was a “family affair” without his parents knowing until it was too late. When he was a young boy every Saturday his parents worked out with a social group of families at the local YMCA. The children, most around 5 years of age, were supposed to watch a children’s movie and then nap at one of the homes with an adult present (the caretake role rotated each week). The rest of the parents ate dinner, danced, and had a few drinks after their workout. It was during these times when one of the girls in the group told Scott he was supposed to take off his clothes before sleeping. “We touched each other and lay on top of each other. When they returned, our parents were horrified and had a huge fit when they saw her naked on top of naked me.”

Girls were reported to have initiated many of the genital partnered activities—in the home, school, or outside. For example, one first-grade girl wrote a note to one of the boys telling him she would show him hers if he would show her his. Without hesitation the boy readily agreed and they exchanged “show-and-tell” in the woods after school that day. This became a routine, as they held hands and played sex games, including a considerable amount of touching and licking.

If parents were to find out about these activities they likely would not have been pleased. Most boys, even at that age, quickly realized that touching and being touched by girls was not something they should readily report to parents as an activity “I did today that was really neat.” For them, however, such events were nearly always a source of fond, fun memories.

Sex or Genital Contact?

If parents, teachers, or clinicians were to find out about these genital contacts would they say the boy had sex? Not likely, but why not? When researchers count the first sexual experience of young heterosexual men they seldom (perhaps never) include these early genital contacts as “first sex” or “loss of virginity.” We actually do not know because in large part the gold standard of what is sex for males (regardless of sexual orientation) from an adult perspective is penile penetration either vaginally or anally. Most would label oral-genital stimulation as “perhaps” sex.

From the perspective of young men, in several studies over half (80% in one study) counted mutual-genital stimulation as sex—the behavior several young men I interviewed experienced. They volunteered these events as their first sex without diminishing the occasion of first pubertal or post-pubertal sex with orgasm. Is developmental age (pre-pubertal verses pubescence and beyond) significant when “age of first sex” is reported and studied? Perhaps researchers only consider mutual genital touching as sex if the boy is pubescent or older.

It would be difficult to justify this distinction from the perspective of the young men I interviewed. Yet, they are rarely, if ever, counted in our surveys because the question is seldom asked regarding pre-pubertal behaviors. The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the percent of adolescents has remained fairly consistent since 2005 with about 25% of 9th-graders reporting they have ever had sex, a figure which climbs throughout high school to around 50%, depending on the survey. Again, I raise the question: What is sex? Must it be intercourse or oral sex or does early genital contact count? Maybe our statistics are broken and the rate of “ever having sex” is higher than reported. What we do know is that early genital contact with girls were enjoyable, even thrilling, and left many straight boys wanting more.

Erotic Contact

Although sharing their genitals with a girl was not a common first sexual memory for young straight men, on occasion it occurred when an unexpected opportunity presented itself and a same-sex age girl initiated genital activities prior to pubescence. In this regard, the straight young men were similar to same-sex attracted young men—only, of course, for the latter the first genital partner as children could be girls or boys. Maybe this is true for straight boys as well—we do not know because, once again, we do not ask about early same-sex behavior among straight boys.

References

Byers, E.S., Henderson, J., & Hobson, K.M. (2009). University students’ definitions of sexual abstinence and having sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 665-674. doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9289-6

Savin-Williams, R.C. (2021). Bi: Bisexual, pansexual, fluid, and nonbinary youth. New York: New York University Press

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