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Family values conservatives often espouse rather restrictive views on sexuality, based on the premise that too much sexual freedom will inherently weaken the family as if spouses need to choose between the two. They often view sexuality with suspicion, fearful that it will overpower otherwise decent, family-focused people and cause them to throw their responsibilities aside. Ironically, a more sex-positive mindset that values the importance of sexuality would reduce the conflicts that undermine couples and thereby families. In other words, if happy, well-functioning families are important to you, then sexuality should also be.
Relationship satisfaction overlaps with sexual satisfaction by about two-thirds, meaning that people who are happy in one area tend to also be happy in the other—and people who are unhappy in one tend to also be unhappy in the other. And this correlation goes both directions, so neither one is more important than the other. This also means that we should work on both—not just for the sake of that one area, but also because it will benefit the other. So if sex isn’t really that important to you, but the overall relationship is, you’re missing a powerful way to add some positive energy to the relationship by ignoring your sex life—especially if sex is important to your partner. And if you want to fire up your sex life, then don’t neglect everything else that happens outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately, there are no short-cuts here.
Sexuality is Far from Restricted
The problem with restrictive views on what is and isn’t acceptable forms of sexual expression is that it is out of step with what most people’s sexuality actually looks like. Research has consistently found a really big difference between what most people fantasize about and what they admit to publicly. In fantasy and in action, people of all different stripes have all sorts of different turn-ons. For a really interesting and accessible book on sexual desire, checkout out Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D.’s Tell Me What You Want and my interview with him or my blog post on Humans Are Sexual Omnivores. While there were some differences in his research between what conservatives and liberals tend to fantasize about, what was universally true is that there is a really wide range of sexual turn-ons, most of which would not pass muster with standard social conservative rhetoric—including the most common fantasies of social conservatives. Granted, fantasies (sexual or non-) often involve activities that we can’t or won’t actually engage in, but the point remains that people have a wide range of sexual interests, some of which they would want to act on.
Sex in committed relationships is a double-edged sword—when things are going well sexually, it strengthens the relationship, but when the couple is struggling in their sex life, it makes other problems more likely. This is that two-thirds overlap again. Keeping relationships strong over the long haul is hard enough, as the divorce rate will attest. So can we, as a society, really afford to ignore the benefits of a good sex life—and the dangers of a bad one? If keeping couples and families together is a worthy goal, then are we sabotaging it by telling couples that only certain, specific kinds of sexual activities are acceptable? What happens to those couples (or individual spouses) who would like something different? Telling them that they shouldn’t want what they want doesn’t make the desire go away, it just adds another barrier to creating a satisfying sex life that could benefit the relationship overall.
This is not to say that everyone should act out their every sexual fantasy—nor should they act out their every nonsexual fantasy. Nor is this to say that spouses should comply with every sexual request—just as they shouldn’t have to comply with every nonsexual request. What sexual partners choose to do or not do is a negotiation that is as import and complex as every other negotiation in long-term relationships. Having said that, to the extent that each romantic partner feels that their desires, including the deeper and darker ones, are viable possibilities that they can disclose to their partner without fear of judgment, the couple’s sex life and relationship overall are likely to be stronger. If strong couples and happy families are your goals, it may be worth considering how your views on sexuality are helping or hurting that goal.
Sexuality is Indeed Powerful
Social conservatives are correct in saying that sexuality is a powerful force, just not in the way that they think. They worry that sexual freedom is a slippery slope—the more one is allowed to do sexually, the more they will want to do until things eventually run out of control. Therefore, society needs to prevent those first steps, before the descent to hedonism picks up speed. This may be true for a small subset of the population, but most adults are responsible enough to have their fun (whatever it might be) and then return to being upstanding members of the community. Unfortunately, if their brand of fun is judged or ignored, they may feel worse about themselves and/or their partner which will likely benefit neither one. If this couple can’t come to a resolution that works for both partners, their sex life and relationship may suffer. It may not be the final straw, but it won’t help.
Given how difficult long-term relationships can be, it seems to me that we would want to tilt the odds towards success as much as possible. Adding guilt or shame to sexuality (or anything, frankly) is unlikely to help. Adding the great connection that comes from really good sex (whatever that might look like) will strengthen the couple to deal with all the other demands of life, from the annoyingly mundane to the deeply existential. So, yes, sexuality is indeed powerful—but are we using it for good?
