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Pretty much everyone has sexual fantasies — and plenty of nonsexual fantasies, too. But should we share those fantasies with our partner? In a previous post ("Have Fun with Sexual Fantasies"), I wrote about using sexual fantasies to make sex more exciting. I talked about the potential benefits of sharing fantasies with our partner, as well as the fact that some fantasies can make us or our partner uncomfortable. In hindsight, I skipped over the more fundamental question of whether it’s a good idea to disclose our fantasies. As with so much else in relationships and sexuality, it depends. Let’s talk about how to decide whether this is a good idea for you and your partner. Your answers to the following questions will help you figure that out.
To Tell or Not to Tell?
Before we address whether someone should or could share their sexual fantasies with a partner, perhaps we need to start with a more basic question: Does being in a relationship with someone require that you share all your thoughts, feelings, and desires, sexual and otherwise? Some people would say absolutely not, while others would say that they have a right to know, especially if it has to do with sexual desire or attraction.
Do you feel like your partner owes it to you to disclose all their sexual fantasies? And would you feel comfortable disclosing all of your sexual fantasies?
There are no right or wrong answers to this, but it's worth thinking about. Those who lean toward privacy may do so because they value independence, whereas those who feel that partners shouldn’t hold secrets may value the security of knowing their partner more fully. This balance between independence and security may evolve or even shift back and forth over the course of the relationship, depending on what is going on in each partner’s life, as well as in their relationship and sex life overall. One thing to consider about fantasies, though, is that they can run counter to other values we hold.
How do you feel about fantasies that involve someone other than your partner? What about activities that go well beyond your current sex life?
We all have preferences about which fantasies will be easier to hear and which will make us more uncomfortable. Greater disclosure offers many benefits, but may also carry with it the price of not being happy about everything we hear. In the most extreme cases, this can change how we feel about our partner or the relationship.
Tangible Evidence
Because fantasies are completely mental, one can never fully know what is rattling around inside someone else’s head. It therefore comes down to trust, which is defined as a belief in the absence of full knowledge. Basically, we need to take our partner’s word for it that they aren’t holding back on us.
That is until one of their fantasies gets revealed by their actions; for example, they get caught looking at a particular porn site. All of a sudden, the mental becomes tangible: They can no longer deny that they have a particular sexual interest. Now what?
Some partners may not really care about this sudden revelation, while others will be shaken. Some will be hurt that their partner didn’t trust them enough to disclose it before, and others will worry about what this new information means about their partner, themselves, their sex life, their relationship, and their ultimate compatibility.
What does it mean about your partner, you, or the relationship if they (or you) hold back some fantasies?
As long as you don’t create any tangible evidence, it is possible to keep a fantasy completely to yourself. Once you act on it in some sort of way, there enters the possibility of being found out — and sometimes long shots do come through. Probably most everyone can agree that it is better to have a direct conversation, at a well-chosen time, to make a revelation, rather than the random bombshell timing of an unintentional discovery. Your partner may still struggle to accept this new information, but it won’t be exacerbated by the sense of cover-up.
If you are holding back on disclosing something to your partner, why is that? And if you have a sense that your partner is holding out on you about something, what stops you from asking them about it directly?
Some couples choose a kind of don’t-ask-don’t-tell approach to certain topics, which can be a good way to avoid unproductive conversations. For example, they may be OK with their partner reading certain kinds of erotica, but they just don’t want to see it. If there is a mutual understanding here, this can work well. By contrast, simply avoiding the discussion and hoping it doesn’t come up may be tempting fate for when an unanticipated discovery forces the conversation.
Fantasies Drive Relationship Growth
Intimacy and disclosure can be challenging. It can be scary to share our deepest secrets, particularly around a sensitive topic like sex, for fear of our partner’s reaction. And it can be scary to be on the receiving end of our partner’s revelations, since we won’t always understand, like, or feel comfortable with what they share.
Speaking of fantasies, it can be tempting to view intimacy as a process of unconditionally supporting and validating each other. Perhaps this is possible in the early days of a relationship. As your connection develops and deepens, disagreements begin to appear where it gets harder and harder to constantly validate our partner without feeling like we are short-changing ourselves. This is where the real work of relationships begins. Sensitive disclosures require the ability to be able to be OK with ourselves even if our partner gets weird, reacts badly, or gets judgmental about it. Receiving sensitive disclosures requires that we manage our own potential discomfort so that we don’t discourage future disclosures.
How did your partner react to your last sensitive disclosure? How did you react to theirs?
Whether you believe that partners should or shouldn’t disclose everything, it’s probably safe to say that good reactions tend to encourage more discussion and more disclosures. This is easy to say, but sometimes really hard to achieve, which is why it drives personal and relationship growth. It’s that parallel process of learning how to feel confident in our own desires, regardless of our partner’s reactions, while also being able to manage our own reactions to our partner’s desires. If we can both keep our heads on in these sensitive moments, we will be better able to understand each other’s positions and why we each feel that way. Having everything out on the table makes for a more productive discussion of what to do about any disagreement. This makes for fewer false agreements, where at least one partner overtly agrees, but isn’t happy about it and doesn’t really want to honor the agreement, which is a setup for either resentment or sneaking, neither of which is good for long-term happiness.
How have your or your partner’s fantasies challenged both of you? How have you each found ways to tolerate that discomfort and have a better conversation? What else would make those conversations more productive?
If you and your partner can figure out the answers to these questions, then you will benefit from enjoying your own fantasies more, as well as enjoying each other’s fantasies. It probably won’t always be easy, but that greater comfort with each other will benefit your relationship in other ways, too.
