You Can’t Always Get What You Want

In this Albert Ellis tribute blog, Toronto Canada psychologist and business consultant, Dr. Sam Klarreich, shares what he believes is Al Ellis’ greatest mental health contribution. Using this, he shows how to pressure proof yourself at work and anywhere else. Here is Sam’s article.

The Rolling Stones sing, “You can’t always get what you want”. That doesn’t mean that you can’t try. It’s how you try that makes a difference.

If you believe that you must get what you want, whatever the cost, you’ve put yourself into an emotional pressure cooker. You are not alone. Stress and anxiety levels are higher than they’ve ever been. Physicians are prescribing anti-depressants at an alarming rate. In the work place, anger is escalating rapidly in the form of verbal abuse, desk rage, harassment and the odd punch–out. We can partially attribute this rise in stress, anxiety, and depression to a negative and correctable style of thinking.

If you--or someone you love--feel stressed by expecting too much, and feeling the worse for it, I’ll share a key Albert Ellis principle about how to recognize and defuse stress-evoking, demanding thinking. We'll look at how to substitute a calming but stronger preferential thinking way to succeed at work, in playing sports,while working around your home, in getting along with others and in feeling better about yourself. (I'll emphasize how to stop stressing out in the workplace when irrational demands threaten to spoil your day.)

Healthy and Unhealthy Thinking

Albert Ellis draws a distinction between unrealistic, unhealthy demands and healthier preferences and desires. Unhealthy demands take the form of "I must do well.", "You should do as I expect.", and "The world must follow my rules". These demands require that you hew to the belief that there is a perfect world and you know what it is. Then, if you have unfulfilled demands--as you invariably will--you can drive yourself crazy by thinking, “it’s awful that I can’t have what I must have”. This thinking is irrational because it is unrealistic and because it is a prescription for distress and discontent.

Healthier preferences take the form of desiring to achieve or wanting to achieve. These desires and wants can be very strong. A preferring way simplifies striving for results without resorting to pressure-laden demands.

The principle of healthy preferences has even penetrated sports. Many top athletes are encouraged to do their best and have fun. They'd wisely avoid demanding perfection of themselves and of only expecting to perform great feats. For example, if a major league hitter goes up to the plate, and in his mind he insists that he must hit a homerun, he is likely to take his eye off the ball. Feeling choked and feeling distracted, he probably won’t do what he demands of himself. If he persists with his demands, he will likely have a hitting slump. If that same hitter arrives at the plate, assumes a preferential position, keeps his eye on the ball--not on himself--he will likely get a hitsooner and to continue to hit well.

This is what top hitting coaches are regularly telling their batters: Don’t demand superior performance. Instead, go out there, do your best, and have fun. Is it possible to apply this attitude to the work that you do?

Recognizing Demanding Thinking

Albert Ellis notes that demands take the form of “musts”, “shoulds” and “have tos”. In this mindset, you feel and act as if you believed:

1. I must succeed to be a worthwhile person.
2. I must make big bucks.
3. You have to treat me fairly.
4. You should love and admire me.
5. I have to meet every deadline cheerfully.
6. I must be positive all the time.

This is a pressure cooker approach to life. A common reason behind this self-imposed pressure is learned, rigid, rules for happiness, worth, and success. You can replace learned demanding thinking with newer, healthier, preferential thinking learning.

Developing Preferential Skills

You can choose to drive yourself into the ground with unrealistic demands or you can choose to work at building preferential thinking skills and develop flexibility, patience, and tolerance. Assuming you choose healthier preferences over irrational demands, let’s look at how to develop your preferential thinking abilities by examining the six examples of demanding thinking.

1. I must succeed to be a worthwhile person. You have no guarantee of success no matter how hard you try! However, you can work hard with the hope that success will be a byproduct of your persistent efforts.
2. I must make big bucks. Demanding that big bucks come your way is a formula for taking your eye off the ball. By routinely doing a good job, you increase the possibility of ongoing salary increases.
3. You have to treat me fairly. There is no certainty that others will treat you fairly. You can still work with integrity and honesty and if others don't treat you well, you can choose to address your grievance; if because of internal politics, no rational results are forthcoming, you can choose to accept this or find a better job.
4. You should love and admire me. Why should you automatically have universal love, approval and admiration? You can work hard to build strong working relationships and to network with people, thus increasing the likelihood that you will relate well with your peers. Good relationships are often critical to getting things done.
5. I have to meet every deadline cheerfully. You can’t be sure that you will meet every work deadline. Still, you can organize your time and schedule to meet your deadlines. You won’t be perfect. Some deadlines are unrealistic. (People do not ordinarily lose their jobs for being open and honest about their realistic limitations after putting forth a good effort.)
6. I must be positive all the time. Nature has not endowed us always to be positive. As the saying goes, into every life a little rain must fall. Some motivational speakers are clueless about Ellis’ approach and repeatedly attempt to drive home a message that you must always remain positive and you will attract positive results. Here is a negative part of this semantic message: positive is not enough. You have to push yourselves like never before, you must break through all your inhibitions, and you must achieve your true potential. Once you achieve your true potential, the sky is the limit! The next time you hear a motivational speech, do you feel inspired, conned, or pressured?

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Ebbing Sunset

You may not always get what you want. That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to try. If you repeatedly don’t succeed, you can try something else. After all, there are many options out there; you simply have to open your mind to the possibilities!

To remind yourself to think preferentially, think of a sunset that doesn't have to be what it is not. Beyond that message, here is another. This Ebbing Sunset photo can feel relaxing. It's a visual preview of how you can feel without demanding.

For more information on increasing your personal effectiveness, click on Pressure Proofing

This blog is part of a series to celebrate the 100th and 101st year anniversaries of Dr. Albert Ellis’ birth. Ellis is the founder of rational emotive behavioral therapy and the grandfather of cognitive-behavior therapy.

Albert Ellis Revisited (Carlson & Knaus 2013) is the Albert Ellis Tribute Book Series centennial book. The publisher, Routledge, offers a 20% discount on the book. Control click on this link: Albert Ellis Revisited. Type the code Ellis for the discount. The book qualifies for free shipping and handling. Bill Knaus’ royalties from this book go directly to the Denan Project charity. When you buy the book, you are helping yourself by learning ways to live life fully, and you are helping bring irrigation, crops, and health care to destitute areas of the world.

For more information on rational emotive behavior therapy, click on Albert Ellis’ official website: Albert Ellis Network: http://rebtnetwork.org/

For other articles in this centennial (and beyond) Albert Ellis tribute blog series, cut and paste any of the below http links to your server's http request header:

Freedom from Harmful, Negative, Thinking: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201412/freedom-harmful-negative-thinking

Do One Thing and Stop Procrastinating: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201410/do-o…

Steps to Overcome Public Speaking Anxiety:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20140...

When It Comes to Love and Romance, What's Fair? What's Not? :http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20140...

Three Core Anxieties and How to Calm Them:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20131...

12 Key Ideas for Self-Liberation: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201406/12-k…

Ten Commandments to Stop Quick Ejaculation:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20131...

13 Tips to Make Self-Help Therapy Work for You:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20140...

Escape the Guilt Trap: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201312/thre…

5 Mental Traps Relationships Can't Escape:https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20140...

Six Calming Tips for Parenting Teens:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/20141...

© Dr. Sam Klarreich