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Sex Is the Problem
About a year ago, my husband and I came to a fork in the road.
He stated that he didn't think we had sex enough and that he was frustrated and unhappy. I stated that I didn't desire any more sex in our relationship and that I was fine. Since sex is one area in a relationship that we have to manage together, I knew I had to listen to his frustrations and try and find a solution. We were both motivated to stay married but needed to find a way for my sexual desire to match his.
Then I came up with the idea for seven nights of sex.
The Idea
As a young couples therapist in training 15 years ago, I remember sitting in the Sexual Desire and Arousal Class that was necessary for my Sex Therapist Credential and learning about what creates sexual desire. Contrary to the myth that horniness occurs after not being sexual for weeks, I was taught that sexual desire is facilitated by a regular rhythm of sexual activity. Thank you for teaching me that, Barry McCarthy!
Thinking about that very point, I then told my husband that we should try an experiment. We were going to prioritize having sex every day for seven days in a row and see how it changed our relationship.
At the time he laughed, stating that in the 20 plus years we had been together, he couldn't remember a time we had ever had sex for seven days in a row. I had no rebuttal to that point. I knew he was right.
Fine then, I was up for a challenge. Having sex for seven nights won't kill me, I thought. It also had been a terrible year after our 3-year-old baby boy was diagnosed with Fragile X Syndrome, a genetic condition that causes intellectual disability. That rocked our world, and I was still pretty deep in my grief that he would never really grow out of the delays he already had.
Frankly, looking back, I think I was willing to try pretty much anything to keep our relationship together. Have you read the statistics on the percentage of parents who divorce after having a special needs child? Spoiler alert, it's like 80 percent.
I didn't want to lose my marriage. I also didn't want my husband to feel de-prioritized. I wanted to start focusing on myself and the things that bring me pleasure and joy like getting lost in the sheets with my love.
It felt like it had been a long time since I had lost track of time, and sex used to make me feel that way. I wanted it for me. I needed a kick start. I was tired of being sad and disconnected from my husband, and I realized it really wasn't helping any of us.
Implementation
As a team, we knew if we were going to be successful, we had to work together and lay out the terms. We agreed to try and have sex each night before we went to bed for seven nights in a row. Sounds pretty easy, but it wasn't.
I told him if we were going to do this successfully, we needed to work backward as a team. That I needed his help with getting dinner served, cleaned up, homework done, baths accomplished, kids both in bed, a few moments for myself to get organized and then, time for us.
It also wasn't like he didn't help with those things before, I just told him that this time if we needed to get into bed by 9 pm each night to have a better sex life, I needed us to work better as a team with getting those tasks accomplished. He 100 percent agreed. We were getting organized and in alignment with scheduling our intimacy dates.
The Tweaks
Then we had an honest discussion about the kind of sex we were having. I bravely told him that in order to get me in the mood to really want to have the sex, I needed some good foreplay or at least a good vibrator thrown in the mix.
During that discussion, it became obvious to me that because we weren't having very much sex, we were just kind of jumping into it and skipping the foreplay, which diminished my interest. He totally agreed with me that we should change up our sexual script and incorporate kissing, foreplay, and sex as cumulative stops on our way to accomplishing 7 nights of sex—and good sex!
The Results
So, want to know what happened? We cinched the seven nights, my sexual desire increased, and the most important piece of all, we have pretty much kept it up a year later!
We don't have sex every night, but every other night is pretty typical now. It has been 14 months since we kicked off our 7 nights of sex and I can say with confidence that it changed our marriage for the better.
We are closer and more physical with hand-holding, kissing, and touching. It has helped us deal with our stress, our children, and our problems in a more effective manner. Since we are having sex and intimacy most nights, it forces us to deal with our problems instead of ignoring them like we used to. I realized it's difficult to have sex with someone when you haven't dealt with your feelings about them and with them. Now, we clean up problems as we go forward and both feel like we are prioritizing our relationship which helps us more effectively deal with everything.
Try this challenge and see what it can do for your relationship.
