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Porn and sex addiction is quite a popular buzz term these days. Many articles, blogs, television shows, and therapy programs are aimed at treating sex and porn addiction with a variety of treatments and outcomes. Many men and women suffer from the consequences of out-of-control sexual behavior and are desperate for treatment options to aid their suffering.
Often, out-of-control sexual behavior is a symptom of unresolved relationship problems, untreated trauma or abuse, untreated mental health issues or problematic habits that have developed. Usually, the catalyst is what brings a person into therapy. For example, they have been "caught masturbating to porn," lied to their partners, been caught cheating, or present with a sexual dysfunction during sex or avoiding sex that makes the spouse suspicious that something is going on.
The early treatment phase for out-of-control sexual behavior includes screening for mental health disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Identifying triggers and risky situations that may support or contribute to the acting out behavior. Making a list of replacement behaviors, for example renting an office space instead of working from home (which allows easy access to view pornography, masturbate, and act out. Harder to do when you are inside an office full of people). Lastly, talking about feelings and situations which may be contributing to the behavior.
Long-term treatment incudes motivation to change, regular therapy, an accountability system for yourself and couples therapy to address problems in the relationship that may be a factor. Common feelings when people act out sexually include boredom, anger, wanting an adrenaline rush, longing for a connection with someone, entitlement and wanting to take a sexual risk. Focusing with a good therapist on these feelings can help you connect with healthy ways to support having those feelings. Acting out sexually often leads to disastrous consequences and a long term porn habit can dampen desire for partner sex and contribute to sexual dysfunction during sex (erectile issues or ejaculation problems).
Out-of-control sexual behavior also involves rituals. Rituals are the planning around the acting out behavior. For example, a man might begin to fantasize that he wants to have sex with a woman who dominates him. He then will masturbate to this fantasy, watch porn that entails that scenario, begin to hoard cash to pay for this, plan a business trip away from home to gain access to a space to act out in, locate a prostitute through the internet, drink the evening of the planned event to calm his anxiety, and finally, act out the scenario he has fantasized about.
Afterwards, he may feel guilt, shame or a sense of entitlement about what's happened (I deserve it, I work hard), or he may feel nothing at all. A few days, weeks or months may lapse and then, the planning ritual to do it again will begin. Often, the cycle of how long between acting out will get shorter as the excitement of the experience builds similar to a craving for drugs/alcohol/tobacco. Only the person can know if they feel their behavior can be controlled or if they are engaging in it as an escape. If it's as an escape, then the level at which it is destructive should be evaluated.
Changing defeating beliefs is something to be worked on in therapy as well. The belief that one is a "weak sex addict and has ruined their life" can be replaced with, "I choose my behaviors a moment at a time and have control over my behaviors that ultimately create my life's story."
Out-of-control sexual behavior has taken many happy relationships and people as victims. Being in control of your sexual behavior can contribute to a stronger sense of happiness and the template for a healthy relationship.
