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Our close friendships are predictors of happiness, and feeling misunderstood by friends who mean a great deal to us can be particularly distressing. The following question arrived from a reader who is struggling with the actions of a close friend:
Hi Mariana,
Over the summer, a friend offered to take me to lunch following a bad breakup. I was devastated, because he was unfaithful and I wanted to start a family.
During lunch, my friend, who is married with children, told me she wanted to show me something “hilarious." She showed me a video of a Saturday Night Live comedy sketch about a dating app called 'Settl' which older women use to find a not suitable husband to settle down with. I sat through the video awkwardly while she laughed. She then encouraged me to use online dating.
Later, she asked whether I would consider having children through a sperm bank because I was getting older. This was something we had spoken about before and something I already told her wasn't for me. She then commented that she didn’t understand women who focused on their careers instead of family and asked what I would do if I didn’t find anyone to have a family with. I burst into tears.
We haven't spoken since and today, I received a birthday present from her — two large, framed photos of her children with a note that said she hoped I could find someplace to hang them. Given my reaction the last time we spoke about children, I feel shocked, angry, and confused about why she would send this to me. Can you help me understand why she would do this?
Hi, and thank you for writing in.
I am sorry you are having a difficult time fulfilling your wishes of finding a healthy relationship through which you can start a family, and having difficulty with a friendship, as well.
There are many reasons why people seek out friendship, which I've written about here, These can be distilled into two categories: (a) wanting true friendship, which includes wanting support, companionship, and someone with whom one can share their interests, and, (b) using the social connection to bring forth an opportunity, like ameliorating one's career prospects or social status.
Good friendships, those in category (a), can nourish us, helping us cope with traumatic events and hardship, like the one you've described, and creating an environment which makes us feel supported and cared for. This can help shield us from loneliness, and, according to an 85-year-long study, ultimately lead to living happier, longer lives.
With that in mind, it's impossible to answer why your friend may be acting this way: It’s difficult to know a person’s true intentions without, first, asking them directly, and, second, believing that they have the self-awareness and insight to know why they’ve behaved the way they have: For instance, from a neutral perspective, perhaps your friend is completely oblivious to how her actions serve to hurt instead of help you, and the birthday present may have been convenient for her, especially if she was ordering multiples for herself or her family.
From a charitable perspective, alternatively, perhaps she thought showing you a video about modern dating may have been the only way she could connect with someone who is single and struggling. Maybe she showed it to you in hopes of bonding over something she is unable to relate to. Perhaps, if she’s never used dating apps and you have, this was an attempt at feeling more clued in, and asking you questions about how you will move forward was a way to support you, despite some judgmental undertones. The birthday present may have been an attempt to make you feel included in her family, particularly if you are close to her children, despite not yet having a family of your own.
From a not-so-charitable perspective, showing you a satire which encourages women to settle for anyone — especially considering you had recently gone through a painful break-up — is discouraging. The skit you link diminishes older women by making them seem desperate to marry and lambasts the institution of marriage as one of a competition, with the winner being whoever marries, as the skit notes, “before my sister," instead of an institution of mutual love, kindness, respect, and peace. In the right context, like two single friends commiserating, a skit like this might be funny, but to show it to someone who is in obvious pain, it is misguided at best, and cruel at worst. Please know, by virtue of the fact that you have ended a romantic relationship which crossed a boundary of yours, you are not the women portrayed in the skit: You recognize you deserve better and are not settling.
Similarly, sending photos of her children and expecting them to be hung in your home might show a lack of emotional insight into how this might affect you, or an avenue from which she derived pleasure, either by showcasing her own children or reminding you of who has married first and "won the competition," as the skit suggests. To put it simply, from the more pessimistic perspective, either she does not understand your pain, or, subconsciously or otherwise, enjoys it.
Because people are complicated, her actions may not be explained by any of the scenarios above, or they may be explained by a combination of the above; with some parts of her wanting to connect with you, other parts not being able to empathize, and yet other parts with callous or cruel motivations.
We have no real way of knowing why she has acted in this way and there are near-endless reasons why people act the way they do. Ultimately, the reasons why are not what really matters. What really matters here is how you feel and how to move forward. Feeling upset and shocked is a normal response to turning toward a friend in a time of need and not receiving the empathy, understanding, or kindness that we expect from what we believe to be a true friendship. And not receiving the social support and connection you are looking for can weigh on one’s mental health considerably. Ask yourself if she has a pattern of putting you down instead of lifting you up, or if this is a one-off scenario. If it's the latter, consider having a clear conversation with your friend and letting her know how you feel may help. This may sound like:
“Thank you for sending me a birthday gift. I appreciate the gesture but found it hurtful because I’m going through a difficult time in my personal life. I've been distant lately because I felt you were insensitive the last time we spoke. Can we have a conversation about it? I value our friendship and want to clear things up.”
If you've noticed that you feel as though she is insensitive only around a certain topic, like your relationship status, you may want to consider creating a boundary where your dating life is no longer a topic available for discussion; it may distance the friendship, but keep some remnants — the good ones, hopefully — intact.
If, alternatively, it's the former, and you feel hesitant to start a conversation, notice you don’t feel particularly motivated or energized to speak to your friend at all anymore, or fear her response, consider reevaluating whether the friendship is right for you. You can ask for space, which will allow you time to think about the friendship and assess whether this has been a pattern or a few wrongs that can be righted. Further, if you’ve noticed a pattern of being hurt in intimate relationships in general, like having continuously unfaithful or abusive romantic partners, or close friends who treat you badly, consider speaking to a trained therapist. Seeking professional help can help you discover why you may be allowing certain people into your life and help you heal.
Lastly, it's possible that you both want different things out of this friendship, or that your friend only knows how to support you in ways that are not suitable to your needs, or that the values and interests you once shared are no longer present and you've grown apart in ways that you no longer understand each other or can be there positively for one another. It's okay to let go of what is hurting you.
I hope this helps you think through how you approach relationships and helps you find the clarity to choose what is best for you.
Thank you to readers who submit questions. Kindly use my Psychology Today author page to do so in lieu of other methods. Due to increased volumes, I am only able to respond to a handful of questions, some of which will be published here. Please submit only if you are comfortable having your question made anonymous, edited for flow, and posted with my response here.
