Want to Nudge the Collaborative Spirit? Talk About Yourself

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I see everything through a relational lens. It’s an occupational hazard of being a social psychologist who studies relationships. That said, this relational lens proves useful time and again in my work helping people build and sustain effective collaborations in the workplace.

For example, a client recently asked if I could offer some tips from the psychological research literature on how to nudge the collaborative spirit in the workplace. I said, “Talk about yourself.”

Self-disclosure creates closeness

Loads of research shows that self-disclosure creates closeness; closeness, in turn, is associated with trust and prosocial action, and these are core to the collaborative spirit.

To be clear, I am not suggesting we need more self-centered narcissists sucking up all the air in the room, talking about themselves and their incredible ideas ad nauseam. No thanks. Bad idea. Not useful.

What I am suggesting is that, if you’d like to nudge the collaborative spirit, share a bit of yourself with your colleagues. Take the risk of being seen and of seeing others.

Disclosures should be appropriate

It’s important that disclosures be appropriate for the setting. Talking at work about your kids’ cute antics? Yes! Talking about your colonoscopy prep? No!

Also, monitor for reciprocal disclosure. In a classic study designed to experimentally generate interpersonal closeness, researchers guided pairs of strangers through a series of reciprocal self-disclosure conversations. This short task resulted in participants feeling closer to their interaction partner—a total stranger—than the typical closest relationship of 30% of similar people.

If you share something about yourself, make space for others to do the same — in their own way and in their own time. If others don’t readily share, don’t push. Their reticence might be a sign that they’re not quite ready for, or perhaps not interested in, a deeper relationship. And, if someone shares something with you, reciprocate in kind, if you feel comfortable doing so.

Be mindful of what you’re disclosing. The interpersonal process model of intimacy suggests that, while factual disclosures can help create closeness (“My computer crashed this morning...”), emotional disclosures do so more powerfully (“...and I am devastated knowing I lost all the work I had done on an important paper”).

And, while you might be tempted to really open up and share something deeply personal, remember that it takes time to build the intimacy required for such disclosures to land safely. You know how SCUBA divers can get the bends if they ascend too quickly from a dive? Same thing goes for self-disclosure — too much too fast can leave others feeling yucky. Go slowly.

The experimental study mentioned above was intentionally structured to begin with fairly mundane disclosures (e.g., “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”). The questions then transition into slightly more self-revealing disclosures (e.g., “What is your most treasured memory?”). The final question set moves to the most self-revealing disclosures (e.g., “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?”). (The handout at this link contains all the questions, in case you’re curious.)

How to use self-disclosure in the workplace

It doesn’t take much time or effort to leverage self-disclosure in service to nudging the collaborative spirit. Arrive at the Zoom room a few minutes early and chat with others who are there rather than staring at everyone else staring at their screens. During the meeting, preface your comments about an agenda item with a brief disclosure about how you’re feeling (“We’ve been struggling to find a solution to this challenge, so I’m both thrilled to finally be able to offer an option and also a bit nervous it may not work within our time constraints”). When drafting an email to a colleague, take the extra 20 seconds to give a quick personal update (“Have a great weekend, Jeff. I personally am looking forward to collapsing on the couch tonight with my friends Ben and Jerry — it’s been a tough week.”)

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While self-disclosure itself helps drive closeness, perceiving that others are responsive to our disclosures is powerful, too. Thus, when a colleague shares something with you, acknowledge it with care and sincerity.

It’s not useful to hear someone parrot back to you, “You said your computer crashed and that you are upset. Is that correct? If yes, press 1.” A better response would be, “Oh wow. That’s a big deal, especially knowing how carefully you craft every argument you make in your writing.” Or, to the colleague who shared on Friday that it had been a tough week, you might drop a quick note Monday that says, “Just a quick note to say I hope the weekend brought you the R&R you needed after last week’s challenges.”

As an interpersonal process, self-disclosure provides a vehicle for creating connection, building trust, and exploring possibilities. Taking the risk of revealing one’s true self, and having that self be seen and understood, invites the collaborative spirit into our relationships in the workplace and beyond.