Dealing with Affairs Part Two

If you look at the sexual acting out which occurs when having affair as being a form of sexual addiction, then you want to see your unfaithful partner be in recovery. Addictions provide a destructive way to pass time. Thinking about doing it, debating it, doing it, being high, coming down, regretting it and then rethinking about it, can fill a person’s life space. It’s a continuous destructive cycle. Most engage in their addiction to self-medicate depression and/or anxiety, and want to gain or lose a feeling. Being in reality, can be aversive as many need a distraction from the suffering/boredom/emptiness/ unhappiness etc. that accompanies them when things are real. Doesn’t being sober mean sob everything is real? When everything is real, you are forced to experience feelings daily you wouldn’t order on a feelings menu, if this were possible. Many times, your mental health and strength can be gaged by how much you learn to tolerate. You can’t control the onset of a feeling, but have a choice about what you do after onset. Positive self-talk can foster your ability to understand, accept and tolerate unwanted feelings. Certainly, partners of an unfaithful mate want them to be in recovery which may include getting therapy, marital counseling and attending a 12 step program.

Some have affairs because they yearn to experience the drug like state of “being in love. “This can be as powerful as any addiction. Having a new someone who cares, is interested and greets you warmly can contrast an established relationship that has grown stale and predictable

Case Senario: Julie provides a common example. She was “dangerous to her marriage,” and didn’t know it. .She was dangerous because throughout her life she had been sexually unfulfilled. She had little experience which would help her identify what satisfied her. She hadn’t dated many. Her spiritual views didn’t lower the probability of her sexually acting out.

When she came in contact with Jon at work, she began feelings things she didn’t know she could feel. She liked and respected him, and was attracted to him. She was surprised and pleased that she felt he enjoyed her company. This was different from her husband. Her feelings for Jon escalated as did their time together. Though it was slow to develop, their relationship became intense. She found herself fantasizing about him and blushing when she saw him. He reacted the same way. They became strongly drawn to each other. They obsessed about having physical contact and how spectacular it would be. These thoughts became a pastime. The wanted to “make love. “It was a natural expression of the way the felt.

After consummating, she felt intensely guilty but still drawn to her lover. She entered therapy feeling depressed and confused. She thought having an affair was miserable. “If things are good it’s bad because I want more. If they are bad, they are just bad.” She decided to cut off all contact with Jon. She defriended him, blocked him from her phone so she couldn’t receive texts or calls. She had to change jobs.

There are many who have affairs in order to avoid becoming too intimate with their spouse. For example,.Janey would go to bars and insist her husband not come. This created distrust with her husband. She would pick fights sometimes so she could justify her leaving. She a pattern that when she felt herself becoming too close to her anxious, she would feel vulnerable and anxious. She would go to the bar, get drunk and act out sexually. Her life became a soap opera. Her husband eventually, busted out of his denial, became too enraged and divorced her.

The best way to end an Affair is to go “cold turkey.” You severe all contact. You have to also agree to be totally accountable to your spouse. Rebuilding trust is the goal and you need ask” what does trusting me look like to you at the end of a day?”

Thought stopping can be very helpful. Literally think of a stop sign. When you begin having thought about things which distress you, like your lover, think of your stop sign. Scream stop to yourself. Now take your mind to the most beautiful place you have been. Experience that place. Feel the wind, listen to the sounds,, smell it.