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Several years ago, after I gave the morning talk at a Canadian conference on parenting, we broke into small discussion groups. In the group I was part of, a mother spoke first.
She said she had come to the conference hoping to get help with a situation she was facing with her teenage daughter, Jennifer. For the past year, she said, Jennifer had been dating a boy named David. Jennifer was 16; David was almost 19. They met at their church’s youth group.
Jennifer had recently come to her and said, "Mom, David and I feel we're ready to have sex."
As the group of parents listened, you could hear a pin drop. The mother continued:
"I was stunned. I said, 'But, Jennifer... sex is meant for love.'
She said, "But, Mom, we do love each other, and this is how we want to express it."
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I had no language."
What Would You Say?
What could this mother have said to her daughter? What would you say to Jennifer if you were the mom (or dad)?
Jennifer’s mother might have begun by saying something like this:
I understand the depth of your feelings for David. I’m also grateful you came to talk to me about this. I take that as a sign of your respect and trust.
Jennifer had also given her mother an important opening when she said, “But, Mom, we do love each other.” Her mother might have responded:
You say that you and David love each other. Let’s talk for a minute about love.
What does it mean to love someone?
It means wanting what is truly best for that person. How do you know when somebody really loves you? When they want what is truly best for you, for your welfare and happiness—not just now, but forever.
So, the question you have to ask yourself is this: Is having sex with David really an act of love?
One way to answer that question is to ask, what are the possible consequences?
Pregnancy is one. It can happen even if you’ re trying to prevent it. If it does, a new life has been created.
Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are another possibility. Girls are more at risk for long-term health consequences. For example, if you want to have a baby someday, a single infection of chlamydia can keep you from being able to do that.
Emotional hurt is a third danger. Many high school teens who have had sex say they wish they had waited. Among young people your age, most romantic relationships eventually break up. If that happens with you and David, will you regret having been sexually intimate with him?
So here’s what it comes down to: If you really love another person and you want what is truly best for them, would you subject them to all these risks? Would you gamble with their health, their happiness, and their future life?
Bringing Faith into the Picture, If Relevant
As it happened, Jennifer and her mother were Catholic, so it would have been appropriate to bring their faith into the conversation. David, too, was Catholic. In this case, Jennifer’s mother might have said something like this:
Have you and David asked yourselves, “Is this what God wants us to do? What does our faith teach us about sex outside of marriage?”
In Our Hypersexualized Culture, Be Proactive
Those are some of the things Jennifer’s mother could have said to help her think more clearly and more deeply about what it really means to love somebody.
Of course, it’s best not to wait for your child to bring up sex. This is an issue where it’s crucial for parents to be proactive. In our sex-saturated society, kids are often bombarded with the wrong messages and models. If we want to be an effective counter-influence as parents, we'll have to look for many opportunities to share our values about sex.
We can also point them to other sources that give outside validation for what we’re saying. Sean Covey’s book, The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make, has an excellent chapter on sex, love, and dating. Just for Girls/Just for Guys is a magazine with good graphics and straight talk about why to wait. Sex, Love, and You: Making the Right Decision, by my wife Judith and myself and our friend William Boudreau, M.D. (an expert on STIs), uses true stories from the lives of teens to show the benefits of saving the ultimate human intimacy for the ultimate human commitment, historically known as marriage.
The main thing is to keep the conversation going in order to reinforce a message that is increasingly countercultural. And don’t underestimate your influence as a parent. The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that kids whose parents conveyed clear disapproval of teen sex were significantly less likely to engage in sexual activity.
