Protect Your Nest: Overcome New Parenthood Relationship Challenges

Becoming a parent is one of the most contradictory experiences I have been through. I know I'm not alone in this perspective. Becoming a parent is both exciting and anxiety-provoking. We can feel incredibly close to our partner, yet also so far away from each other. We can't imagine life without our baby, yet also find ourselves longing for the autonomy and independence of the former life we lived, sans kids. If you've found yourself in these same cognitive dissonances as I have, you're not alone. Here is your toolkit to overcome the challenges of new parenthood that will help you build a durable nest for your growing family that will be strong enough for the long haul.

First, it's important to manage your expectations. It shouldn't be surprising to hear that for the vast majority of couples, their relationship takes a hit when they have kids. According to a 2022 meta-analysis on the transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction, it's clear that couples experience a decline in marital satisfaction from pregnancy through the first two years of baby's life. This is a global statistic, so no one reading this should think they are immune, including me! Too many of us assume our "rock solid" relationships are immune to failure; we overestimate our parenting abilities and, therefore, don't spend the time truly preparing for this massive role we've never done before.

Instead, we fall into the rose-colored glasses version of parenthood. By this, I mean the endless scrolling on Pinterest for nursery decorating inspo, competing for the most unique gender-reveal post on social media, and obsessing over the baby shower tablescapes. I'm not saying these things aren't fun; they certainly can be. But all too often I see couples that invest sacred time on these details (and I do mean details) that distract them from utilizing their precious time to prepare their partnership for baby. The good news is that there are specific areas of your relationship you can proactively strengthen to successfully traverse the bridge from partnership to wolf pack.

Psychologists point to three protective factors that are commonly disrupted when couples have a child: communication, intimacy, and time together. Let's break them down starting with communication.

Communication

Communication can seem simple: Just say what's on your mind, right? Well, what happens if it's 4 a.m.? The baby is up for the third time now with an explosive diaper that landed on both of you. Baby is crying. You are crying. Crib sheets need to be changed. Everyone needs to shower. Oh, and you and your partner both have work in the morning.

If you're feeling ill-prepared for this scenario, start practicing healthy communication habits with your partner so that by the time baby arrives, you'll feel ready. My favorite communication skill to recommend is the daily stress-reducing conversation, developed by The Gottman Institute. This habit cultivates active listening, which means to listen to your partner's words with empathy and without judgment. When practiced daily and in low-stress circumstances, we develop the ability to express our feelings directly and clearly but also receive the benefit of our partner's listening and support. This practice improves bonding and strengthens trust between partners, and here's how you do it.

• Step 1: Take turns complaining about the day's events.
• Step 2: Don't give unsolicited advice.
• Step 3: Show genuine interest by maintaining eye contact and minimizing distractions like putting your cell phone away.
• Step 4: Communicate your understanding to your partner by expressing compassion, validating, and empathizing with what they are saying (e.g., "I see how you could feel that way." or "Oof, that sounds awful! I'm sorry you had such a crappy day.").
• Step 5: Take your partner's side. Be supportive of your partner's lived experience, even if you have a different opinion on the topic.
• Step 6: Increase "we-ness," by expressing out loud to each other that you are a team (e.g., "We've gotten through tough times before. We got this.")
• Step 7: Express affection in whatever way feels authentic to you. Examples are hand-holding, offering a hug, or saying "I love you."

When you inevitably find yourselves in a similar diaper-exploding scenario, the daily stress-reducing conversation will help you to navigate as a team, rather than take your stress out on each other.

Spending Time Together

The next protective factor to get you ready for parenthood is spending time together. Now that may seem vague, but it's purposeful. Each couple is unique, and so time together should be defined based on your personal interests, enjoyable activities, and availability. There is no one definition here or "right" way to do this. If an expensive meal is how you enjoy each other, do it. If a walk around the neighborhood with a hot tea is your thing, cool. It's less about what you're doing, and more about enjoying each other.

The simplest way to implement this is to have a recurring date every week. This is an appointment you make with your partner; a time you have both committed to be with each other for the sole purpose of enjoyment and fun. Treat this appointment like an immovable object in your calendar, a fixture. All other events and commitments get scheduled around this appointment with your partner. When we show up for our partner in this way, we're telling our partner "You are important to me, this relationship is important to me, you have my undivided attention." Over time, you and your partner will develop the habit of nurturing your relationship, so you don't fall into the pattern of parallel but separate existences.

Intimacy

Finally, let's unpack intimacy and how it changes during the transition to parenthood. If you or your partner gave birth, it's critical to acknowledge that their body is new and unfamiliar. Libido will be low for a temporary time, and then it will rebound. Many birthing parents struggle to integrate and accept their new body, the changes it has endured, and how to move forward with intimacy. Rebuilding your intimate connection can be done in many ways. Here a few ways to start:

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1. Redefine sex by thinking about what feels good to you and inviting your partner to join in.
2. Shift your mindset to recognize that the disruptions in your sex life and libido are temporary; find ways to enjoy affection when sex is uncomfortable or not possible.
3. Plan ahead for intimate time together. Don't rely on spontaneity; it won't work once you have a baby in the house.

No matter what, keep in mind that change is the only constant in this life. You likely have a well-established track record of adapting successfully in the face of challenges, and you will overcome this one, too. If you and/or your partner are feeling stuck, don't wait to reach out for help. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.