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Key points
- New research found that teens who have more empathetic parents tend to be more empathetic themselves.
- When parents respond to distress in a supportive, empathetic way, it gives children a model for empathy.
- Parents can model empathy by recognizing distress, helping children name their feelings, and showing warmth.
Empathy, or the ability to understand and share in the experience of emotions with others, is an essential element of all human relationships. Research also supports the importance of empathy, finding that more empathetic individuals have better quality friendships, enhanced social skills, and are more satisfied with their lives — to name just a few of the benefits.
In a world that seems increasingly divided and cold, many of us parents want to raise more empathetic children but how exactly do parents foster empathy? If we are empathetic with our children, will they show the same to others? And will the empathy that we show to them ultimately help them to become empathetic adults?
The Most Recent Research on Empathy
A recent study looked at how empathy is passed down from parents to children and then to those children’s children. This study looked at a mother’s empathy for their child at age 13 and how it related to the child’s empathy for their friends during the teen years (from ages 13 to 19). The researchers then followed the teens up to adulthood (mid-30s) and looked at how empathetic they were with their own children (the third generation).
This study found that when children have parents who are more empathetic at age 13, they are more empathetic with their friends during the teen years (ages 13 to 19). Being more empathetic with their friends in their teen years was then associated with being more empathetic with their own children as adults (that is, showing more supportive responses to their children’s negative feelings). Supportive, empathetic parenting of their own children then predicted their children’s development of empathy (that is, the children in the third generation).
How is empathy “passed down” in this way? When parents respond to children’s distress in a supportive, empathetic way, it gives children a model for how to respond to the distress of others. Friendships in the teen years may then give children a chance to practice and hone the empathy skills that they learned from their parents in childhood. Researchers describe these friendships as a “training ground” for learning about empathy. In other words, when children get the chance to practice skills like validating emotions and providing comfort to other people in their teenage friendships, these skills become stronger and more effective.
This study was limited and further research is needed on this topic. It was a relatively small and correlational study (meaning we do not know whether empathy in parents actually contributes to empathy in children but only that they are associated). This study also only focused on mother-child interactions so future research should include fathers. Finally, this study did not address the extent to which empathy is passed down due to genetics or modeling the empathy your parents show you (it is likely a combination of both).
Yet, even with these limitations, these findings are exciting because they suggest that empathy may be passed down three generations: from parent to teen then to the third generation of children. It also suggests that friendships in the teen years may provide practice for being empathetic in adult relationships, including the parent-child relationship.
Overall Translation
The big takeaway message here is that the empathy you show your child may ultimately help your child to develop into an empathetic adult who is then more empathetic with your grandchildren. How exactly do you show empathy to your child? This study broke down empathy into three components and understanding each of these components may provide concrete guidance for showing empathy to your children:
- Emotional engagement: Pay attention to what your child is feeling and/or showing with their body, allow them time to talk or show their emotions, ask follow-up questions to better understand their emotions, and use active listening (translation: reflect back what you hear them say or show with their actions, such as: “It seems like you are angry because your brother won’t give you a turn”). Turn your body toward your child and make eye contact. Show genuine interest in their emotions.
- Understanding the problem: Acknowledge that it is a problem (rather than minimizing it by saying something like “that’s not a big deal), help your child to engage in problem-solving, talk through the problem and try to come up with a solution to the problem together, show them you are committed to finding a solution, and consider their needs when coming up with solutions.
- Emotional support: Recognize that your child is distressed, express to your child that you understand their feelings, name their feelings, ask questions that might bring up additional emotions, clearly show warmth, concern, and sympathy when discussing the child’s emotions.
Engaging in these empathy-expressing behaviors will teach your children how to show the same to others. However, we all know that empathy is more than a set of behaviors. To quote author Brené Brown from her book Daring Greatly: “Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”
