Child Attachment Styles and Insights for Parenting

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Attachment styles in children can be powerful indicators of how they interact with others, especially caregivers. Does a child only show interest in an adult when they are hungry? When scared or frightened, do they look for the security of a parent, or can any adult calm them down or soothe them? These are common scenarios that have been well studied for the last 50 years at universities all over the globe.

Attachment theory began with British psychologist John Bowlby. He was fascinated by how children responded when they realized that their parent was no longer at their side. His original study involved children between the ages of 12 and 18 months. He created a situation in which the children were briefly separated from their parents and then quickly reunited with them. He called this the “Strange Situation.” By observing hundreds of these scenarios, his team was able to identify three major styles of “attachment.” (A fourth was introduced and widely accepted decades later.)

Before discussing attachment styles, it is important to remember that a lot of it has to do with age and stage development. Swiss developmental psychologist Jean Piaget is the best-known theorist on stage development. His cognitive development theories are based on the study of how people acquire and utilize knowledge.

Piaget’s stage theory for cognitive development has four distinct stages that children move through, and each has its own set of accomplishments. He described children as being “little scientists,” exploring their surroundings and undertaking their own experiments about the world around them. This is important because Piaget theorized a major shift in cognitive focus between 18 months and two years of age. There is a clear connection between Bowlby’s attachment studies and the cognitive development stage of the children in the study.

The 4 widely accepted attachment patterns

• Ambivalent attachment is characterized by high levels of distress when a child is separated from the parent. The theory is that these children have experienced inconsistent parenting and do not have confidence that their parents will always be available when needed.
• Avoidant attachment is seen in children who tend to avoid parents and caregivers and demonstrate little preference between parents and strangers when needing comfort. It is hypothesized that children develop this style as a defense against neglectful parenting styles, in which a child’s needs are punished rather than met. (Imagine getting in trouble for wanting to be comforted by a parent.)
• Disorganized attachment was added years after Bowlby’s original studies but is widely accepted today and consists of attachment patterns in which children can be described as being confused and inconsistent when faced with the “Strange Situation.” Inconsistent parenting is again suggested as a correlate for this attachment style, in which a child’s response is likely based on their experience of having caregivers that are sometimes warm and soothing and sometimes unavailable or even neglectful. This creates great confusion in the toddler.
• Secure attachment is the goal for all children. It is observed when children demonstrate they have confidence that when briefly separated from a caregiver, they will be reunited quickly, and the reunification brings joy and happiness. They have confidence that the caregiver will return because they always have in the past. Consistently warm and nurturing parenting usually results in this kind of response and attachment.

Key takeaways

One reason this is so important is that failure to form secure attachments in childhood can impact and affect much of an individual’s life, including their own adult intimate relationships and, eventually, how they attend to their own children’s needs. An interesting addition to the dialog about children and caregivers’ attachment styles is the research of Thomas and Chess, who found that a child’s temperament is influenced by nine temperament traits, including descriptors such as activity level, adaptability, and persistence. They found that most children fall into one of the following three categories: easy, difficult, and slow to warm up. For example, an easy baby is described as one that can adapt to new routines quickly, has a positive attitude, and is curious in new situations.

They took their research one step further and concluded that while each adult and child has their own attachment style and temperament, the most important component may be the match between the characteristics of the parent and child together. They called this the “Goodness of Fit” model, and it suggests that the foundation for a healthy self-concept and childhood stability is found when the traits of the child and parents are a good “fit” with each other.

This research is used to help parents understand how their temperament influences or impacts their child’s attachment and long-term well-being. It has even been used to help schools place students with teachers with whom they are a good fit. Does a child need more nurturing and warmth, or do they thrive when challenged and pushed to excel? Matching them with a teacher who has these general traits usually results in the best outcomes, just as it does in parenting.