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No matter which side of the political aisle you are on, we can agree it has gotten incredibly divisive.
I do not lay the blame for this phenomenon on any one person or party. Instead, I lay it squarely on the shoulder of humanity’s greatest invention, the Internet, and social media in particular. The online universe appears to be the most transformative influence humankind has ever experienced. In mere decades, the amount of information we can access has exploded beyond comprehension. We now know about the plight of almost all the 7.7 billion people on our planet. Our brains are wired to handle “family, friends, and acquaintances” networks of 100 to 150 people. There is just too much data from too many directions for our brains to process, and that’s why this all feels so chaotic.
Humans naturally form groups. This trait has driven us to bond as families, communities, and nation-states throughout history. What is very new is that the online world has allowed humans to splinter into millions of sub-groups and identity threads. Each and every time we find a new way to classify ourselves (social media provides an endless menu), a new way to view others as “not in the group” is also born. This endless opportunity for division drives us to enhance our differences and overlook our similarities.
Our overwhelmed brains do what they are designed to do, and we attempt to save energy. We do this by simplifying things and putting them into categories such as us/them, good/evil, and literally black/white. These shortcuts make our brain feel better, but they impede us when we are trying to make complex decisions, such as how we should run our country. These shortcuts particularly backfire as we are trying to make complex decisions about how best to navigate the pandemic. Fear literally makes us more primitive by activating older parts of our brain. We are far less clever when we are afraid, frustrated, and, or angry.
The chronic stress of the pandemic has wreaked havoc on our nervous systems. The constant state of uncertainty leading to excess fear can make us paranoid. It has been hard to get out of the anxiety-fear cycle and our primitive brains are in overdrive. If we want to make good decisions moving forward, we must return to a calmer state of being.
President Biden has made a plea for unity. This is most certainly a worthy and lofty goal, and it should transcend party affiliation. To get from here to there, we need tips and strategies. When couples come for treatment, they are divided much as our county has been. It is essential that each member of the couple is heard and an attempt must be made to understand the other side so healing can begin.
- Stop demonizing: We need to stop seeing the other as the enemy, and we must stop the putdowns. This may be challenging as it has become ingrained in our conversations over the last several years. If you are upset with someone, speak directly to them in a respectful manner. We can’t always agree, but simply try to listen and understand the other’s point of view. In couples therapy, it is important to follow some simple rules, such as no name-calling and no bringing up the “D-word” (divorce) unless you are serious about it. As a country, we need to stop threatening or even hinting at civil war. We must work together to ensure the future of our union.
- Shared purpose: What keeps couples together is purpose and a belief in a brighter future. Children can be a great bond. Sixty-six percent of divorced couples in the United States are childless. Democrats and Republicans can come together and agree that their goals are the same, it is the path to get there that is so divergent.
- Change from Win-Lose to Win-Win: In families and in our country there is a tendency to see things as win-lose. Although this may apply to sports and elections, most of life should be played as a win-win game. If we begin to frame questions this way, we can grow to appreciate that we are all on the same team. No one wants the health or wealth of our country to suffer. We all want both to thrive. We simply have different ways of addressing our issues. We must treat dissenting opinions with respect. Just like in marriages we chose our partner, we have all chosen to live in this democratic society. Let’s respect the union.
- Keep your side of the street clean: This phrase comes from Alcoholic Anonymous and can be a great guide. We must stop complaining and start doing If you want our county to be a certain way, do your part and don’t waste time blaming and criticizing others. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see.” Rather than expecting our leaders to make our world better, take personal action whenever possible. If each of us could invest in creating a better world in our own way, change would occur rapidly. Donate, volunteer, and help to lift up yourself and those around you.
We have a unique opportunity now as we strive together to conquer and recover from the devastation of COVID-19. We have all been impacted by turbulent times and the need for unity is great. I hope we can all rise to the occasion and get beyond the fear and divisiveness we have been experiencing. The 1918 pandemic gave rise to the Roaring Twenties. Let’s work together to ensure that the upsides of history will also repeat themselves.
