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Narcissism
9 Un-Noble Truths About Narcissism
How to spot the hidden motivations behind destructive narcissistic behavior.
Posted June 26, 2021 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Narcissists seek to win and feel superior to compensate for deep fears of being weak or inferior.
- Narcissists generally have little concern about how their self-absorption negatively affects others.
- We can have empathy for narcissists' wounds, but recognize that those wounds may lead them to lie, manipulate, and undermine others.
People with narcissism tend to be profoundly insecure. Desperate to avoid shame or humiliation, they dwell in an alternative reality of their own making, disguising their insecurities through manipulation and distraction. The last thing narcissists want is to be transparent about their inner lives and motivations.
Though it is rare for narcissists to be candid about their faults and limitations, if narcissists were to be completely honest about how they approach life, they might voice the following less-than-noble truths:
1) The truth is whatever I say at the moment. I will change facts and positions whenever it suits me. I don’t need to be consistent. When I speak, I act 100 percent certain of what I am saying. It’s amazing how often I convince people I am right by speaking with absolute certainty.
2) I have a bottomless hunger for attention and respect. Whatever you do for me will never be enough. However, the longer I can keep you trying, the better I will feel.
3) I consider most people disposable. I can be secretive, deceptive, undermine you, or withdraw for no reason. If you ever leave me, I will replace you as soon as possible and never look back.
4) I love taking credit but I have no interest in taking responsibility. I never apologize or admit I am wrong. That would appear weak.
5) My image is all-important. Appearances matter more to me than substance. I’ll do whatever it takes to look good. If that’s at your expense, too bad.
6) I am largely unaware of how my actions affect others. Truth be told, I don’t really care. If I get what I want, anything else is collateral damage.
7) I seek status, not equality; and victory, not fairness. I view most people as either threats or suckers. Winning is everything to me. If I feel slighted, I will attack you for being unfair. However, I have no intention of playing fair with you.
8) I am mortally afraid of feeling humiliated. I can’t stand being seen as flawed, inferior, weak, or a “loser.” You will pay dearly if you ever do anything that makes me feel that way.
9) I feel entitled to do whatever I want. Normal rules and limitations don’t apply to me. Anything goes if it makes me feel good about myself.
While we can have compassion for narcissists and their emotionally barren inner worlds, it doesn’t mean we should allow them to take advantage of us. Recognizing these truths at the heart of unhealthy narcissism can help you make sense of the methods and motivations of narcissists.
You may wonder: “Why did he do that?” But you can come to see: “Of course! Once again, he needed to be the center of attention.” Instead of asking yourself: “How could she say such a thing?” You can recognize, “There she goes again, puffing herself up by putting others down.”
Knowledge is power. The more you recognize narcissists’ alternate realities, the less confusing their behavior becomes.
Copyright © 2021 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT
A version of this post appeared on PsychCentral.com
