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Key points
- Honest communication requires honest intent in addition to verifiable facts.
- Some people use facts to distort the truth rather than convey the truth.
- Some individuals represent themselves as being honest, but they are not trustworthy.
Many people define honest communication as only saying things that are true and not saying things that are not. Some of the most deceptive forms of communication utilize verifiable facts to mislead others. This allows individuals to engage in manipulation, misleading, and gaslighting while claiming, and in some cases believing, that they are honest because they use verifiable facts to lie. Lying to people in this way is hurtful and destructive. Honest communication requires telling accurate facts while at the same time making your best effort to convey information accurately. The use of accurate facts to mislead others is another form of lying.
The simplest form of manipulative lying while telling the truth can be observed in children. Following is a common example.
When Rick got home from school, he asked his mother for a ride to the mall to meet his friends. She told him:
Mom: I can’t take you now because I have an appointment, but I will take you in two hours if your homework is done.
Rick immediately went to his older sister Rae and asked:
Rick: Rae, can you give me a ride to the mall?
Rae: Did mom say it was OK?
Rick: Yes. She said she cannot take me now because she has an appointment.
Rae: OK. Get in the car.
Everything Rick told Rae was verifiably true, but Rick intentionally told a lie of omission. He left out the part of his mother’s answer that specified that he must complete his homework first. He kept that from his sister so that she would take him to the mall, even though he had not even started his homework.
Rick repeated his mother’s words accurately, but intentionally deceived her by leaving out part of what his mother said. Later, his mother asked him why he lied to his sister. He responded:
Rick: I didn’t lie to her. You did say you have an appointment and that I could go to the mall.
Mom: But you didn’t tell her that I told you that your homework must be done first.
Rick: She didn’t ask.
Rick told his sister the truth and lied at the same time by withholding part of what his mother said: the context. He used the withholding of the context as a way of misleading his sister. He told the truth, but the communication was dishonest and manipulative nonetheless.
Gaslighting is another form of using verifiable facts to lie. Gaslighting involves trying to make others feel like they are crazy, stupid, or wrong for believing the truth. This can be done effectively without telling factual lies, but it is still lying. Following is an illustration:
Ben and Liz have been married for five years. Ben went to a bachelor party for his best friend Jay. When he returned at 3 a.m., they had the following dialogue:
Liz: Did you have fun?
Ben: Yes, I had a great time.
Liz: Were there any strippers there?
Ben: Not all bachelor parties have strippers.
Liz: You smell like a woman’s perfume.
Ben: You sound like you don’t trust me. Don’t you know I never lie to you?
Liz: We agreed that you would not go with hookers at the party.
Ben: I am really hurt that you would think that of me.
Liz: There were no hookers?
Ben: I didn’t see any.
A few days later, Liz spoke with her friend Lois, whose husband was also at the party. Lois told Liz that she found out that there were strippers at the party and most of the men got lap dances. Later that night, she confronted Ben.
Liz: You are a liar.
Ben: I didn’t lie to you.
Liz: You told me there were no strippers at Jay’s party. I found out there was.
Ben: I didn’t tell you there were no strippers.
Liz: I asked you when you got back from the party.
Ben: You asked me if there were any hookers. I said I didn’t see any. That was the truth.
Liz: I also asked you if there were any strippers.
Ben: I didn’t say there were no strippers.
Liz: You led me to believe that was true, when it wasn’t.
Ben: It was 3 a.m. and you were tired. Perhaps you heard me wrong.
Ben represents himself as being a truthful person because he does not say things that are not true. He did not say anything to Liz that was not true. When asked about strippers, he responded by suggesting that there were not strippers at this party. Although his statements were true, he was trying to mislead her using misdirection. He did the same thing when Liz confronted him about smelling of perfume. He also gaslighted her. He tried to make her feel like there was something wrong with her when she asked about the presence of hookers at the party, and then again when he suggested that she has something wrong with her hearing when she confronted him on his lying.
Clearly, this is not honest communication and Ben is not an honest man, even though he told the truth. This type of dishonest behavior is particularly disturbing in the context of an intimate relationship. It is an assault on the partner as well as on the relationship. It undermines trust and security which decreases the stability of the relationship. This can easily threaten the survival of the relationship.
The healthy standard for honest communication requires more than just factual accuracy. It involves an authentic effort to communicate the truth to another person. This is necessary for healthy intimate relationships.
You can maximize the benefit of your intimate relationships by raising your standards and consistently communicating in a straightforward manner that strives to communicate the truth. Individuals who don’t meet this standard when communicating with you should not be candidates for trust and intimacy.
