What to Do When Painful Memories Haunt You

Some memories are extremely painful. So painful, in fact, that many might otherwise prefer to erase them completely. In fact, there have been films like "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and science fiction novels like MEM by author Bethany Morrow that have explored the “what if” idea of the extraction of painful memories. It is also a topic that has not escaped the purview of the scientific community. But the bigger aspect of these kinds of conceptualizations through the lens of the art world is the attempt to show us that what we think we desire may also have another compelling side.

All of us possess some form of negative experience that has been relegated to our memory. In fact, as humans, the gravitas of life’s experiences may weave their way into the fabric of our long-term memory in various ways. Sigmund Freud, the famous psychoanalyst, started this inquiry over 100 years ago with ideas about traumatic memory and patients' attempts to suppress such memories (Otgaar et al., 2019). But in this, he also observed that enacting such suppressive tendencies also brought with it a serious mental and physical toll on the person (Otgaar et al., 2019).

The Memories of War.

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I explored the topic of painful memory once with a Vietnam veteran. He said if he had to choose between eradicating the whole experience from memory, or not, he might choose “not to” because, as he pointed out, he had formed a strong bond with his “band of brothers” that was important for him to always remember. This symposium of “connection” was a meaningful and emergent facet of his experience. Yes, the trauma was there, but so too was a powerful dynamic as well.

Reducing the Intensity and Impact of Painful Memories

Painful memories usually arise from what is known as episodic memory.

“Episodic memory refers to the conscious recollection of a personal experience that contains information on what has happened and also where and when it happened. A recollection from episodic memory also implies a kind of first-person subjectivity that has been termed autonoetic consciousness” (Pause, 2013)

We must also keep in mind that memory does a whole lot for us. It helps us learn from our encounters with the world starting from our primary experiences as toddlers. Memories, even painful ones, can also serve to challenge our "fixed identities" of whom we think we are and influence the growth and strength of "self." As a counselor, the memories of my patients provide a source and pathway for exploration, understanding, and learning, serving as a formative prospect that not only informs treatment but affords the opportunity for newly derived meaning.

Alternate Choices.

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Suppression-Induced Forgetting and Thought-Stopping

Imagine a football game, where the quarterback has the ball, scrambling as they look for an open receiver to pass it to. If the intended wide receiver is not an option, the quarterback can engage other options such as alternatively looking for another player, running with it, or throwing it outside the pocket.

This is all based on inhibitory responses that can override potential first responses through adaptive control over actions (Schmidt et al., 2023). The concept is founded on a go/no-go paradigm. Research by Schmidt et al. (2023) tested the theory of “stopping” memory through a series of finger-related cue tests. The results demonstrated that “consistently stopping retrieval of unwanted memories made any recall of these memories more difficult” (Schmidt et al., 2023). This is similar to the CBT technique of thought-stopping. In fact, if thought-stopping is enacted, it makes retrieval much harder through suspension of the triggered thought-reaction process (Hannah et al., 2020).

Recontextualize Memory.

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Learning to "Recontextualize" Painful Memories

The "context" of a painful memory (feelings associated) can be modified in positive ways. Here is how this works. Each time a memory is triggered, the memory retrieved is labile and susceptible to modification (Speer et al., 2019). When the memory recalled each time elicits strong emotional reactions, a "strengthening" of that memory occurs known as “reconsolidation.” Hence, the more it happens intertwined with our own visceral reactions, then the more intact the memory and compounded future reactions. But if we can engage the flexibility of "memory modification" under recall by assigning positive meanings over negative, emotion-fueled reactions, then we can shape the dimensions of that memory.

Across four experiments conducted by Speer and colleagues (2019), results showed that positively reinterpreting negative memories "adaptively" updated them, leading to enhanced positive states during future retrievals.

Their research showed that focusing on the positive potentials after negative recall leads to positive perspectives and changes in memory content during "recollection" (Speer et al., 2019). This cognitive regulation of our emotions as related to a painful memory can empower us to change the effect associated with painful memories.

Memory Essential Reads

Shaping the "Episodes" of Our Memory

The Challenge of Cognitive Immobility

How to Challenge a Painful Memory

1. When a painful memory occurs, say the word “STOP” as a way to distract from the emotion-fueled aspect of the memory. The word STOP is deeply symbolic and we know from early childhood the word carries force. You can also splash your face with cold water, wash your hands, smell a scented candle, etc. By engaging your senses, you can also interrupt thoughts immediately.
2. If the memory is a hard one for you, re-orient your focus to the exceptions to the experience such as the meaning found by the Vietnam veteran's recall of the bond he and his comrades shared. Find meaning through a "creative focus" on perhaps how you have learned to live life better, what positive things have become important elements for you since that time, or journal examples of how your former fixed identity learned to grow and adapt. There are two sides to every experience, just as there are to the emotions we express as humans. Find the other side and remember it every time a painful memory attempts to reconsolidate itself.
3. Practice and be "mindful" of how you move through future recall of events. It is easier perhaps because of “negativity bias” to focus on the "bad" because we may assign more importance and weight to it. But, with practice, we can learn to reformat painful memories in healthier ways.

Within the story of "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," the character of Joel Barish remarks, “Please let me keep this one memory, just this one." In this, if we could obliterate painful memories, we might take away the very substrates of the meaningful parts of ourselves that have emerged as a result.

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