Verified by 
Key points
- Most information out there about sex is riddled with myth and inaccuracy.
- Myths about sexual desire lead to feeling shame and brokenness.
- There's nothing wrong with you regardless of how often you feel desire for sex.
Much information in the public domain about sex is riddled with myth and inaccuracy. Misinformation can get in the way of having an enjoyable sex life and pleasurable sex. It can lead to negative feelings about your body and how it works. It can also cause problems in your relationship, especially if your expectations aren’t realistic.
It’s time to stop the spread of misinformation and to get empowered with the facts.
Myth #1: Desire and pleasure are the same and/or go together.
Desire is wanting. It is often conflated with pleasure, but desire is not always pleasurable. It’s essential to know the difference between desire and pleasure because you don’t always have control over desire, but you can choose to do things that feel pleasurable; it is there that you have agency.
Some people feel the desire to have sex before they have it and feel pleasure during it. In this case, desire feels pleasurable. Some people feel desire, and for various reasons, they don’t have sex after. In this case, desire may not be pleasurable. Some people have sex even though they don’t feel desire, and they enjoy it and are glad they’re doing it. Desire and pleasure can go together, but often they don’t.
Myth #2: You always feel desire before you have sex.
Some people feel desire for sex before they have it. Other people don’t, but when they start getting into a sexual experience, they feel pleasure and desire more of it. In this case, desire comes after sex starts. Some people desire pizza for dinner; when they get it, it’s everything they dreamed of. Other people aren’t in the mood for pizza but can’t wait to eat half the pizza once they take a bite. You don’t always feel desire for things that you enjoy. You can still do those things and enjoy them as much or more than if you felt desire ahead of time.
Myth #3: Desire happens instantly.
There are two types of sexual desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is wanting something you don’t have or aren’t doing. Responsive desire is wanting something you’re experiencing, like touch. Your desire is in response to the experience. It takes time for someone with responsive desire to feel it. If partner A approaches partner B to initiate, partner B can’t snap their fingers and feel desire instantly. They need time and space to create it.
Myth #4: People in happy marriages have spontaneous desire.
It is responsive desire, not spontaneous desire, that is associated with long-term relationships, according to Emily Nagoski, Ph.d., sex educator, researcher, and author of Come as You Are. Maintaining a fulfilling sex life in long-term relationships takes effort. That isn’t a bad thing unless you expect it to be effortless. Most things are prioritized and planned, and we still enjoy them. Sex is no different. People in happy marriages who maintain a satisfying sex life over time do so by prioritizing pleasure, accepting changes, and learning to work with those changes rather than against them.
Myth #5: Vulva owners having sex with penis owners should be able to have orgasms from penetration alone.
Most vagina owners need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. As Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters–and How to Get It, writes, “Expecting a woman to orgasm from penetration with no clitoral stimulation is like expecting a man to orgasm from stroking his balls with no penile stimulation.” Pleasure for vulva owners is all about the clitoris.
Myth #6: You should be in the mood when your partner is in the mood.
You and your partner have completely different brains and bodies. There’s no reason you “should” be in the mood just because your partner is. Your mind could be focused on what you want to cook for dinner while your partner is thinking about you naked and getting turned on. In addition, you may have responsive desire while your partner has spontaneous desire. There are a number of reasons why you and your partner won’t be in the mood at the same time. You don’t have to be. It’s important not to expect this.
Myth #7: If you’re in the mood and your partner isn’t, you’re being rejected.
Rejection is a story we make up. It says, “My partner doesn’t want me,” or, “I’m unattractive.” You’re not being rejected when you’re in the mood for sushi and your partner isn’t. The same is true for sex. They’re not in the mood because of them, not you. They could be tired, stressed out, or simply in the mood to lie on the couch. It’s important not to make up a story that their desire for sex is about you and your worth. That’s painful for you and puts pressure on them. Pressure doesn’t lead to more desire; it leads to less.
Myth #8: If you wanted to have sex frequently at the beginning of your relationship and a year later you rarely even think about sex, you have low desire.
Our desire for sex spikes at the beginning of relationships, but we often mistake that as our baseline. Later, when we do return to baseline, we think something is wrong. It’s normal to want sex more frequently in the beginning and to need to make more effort later in a relationship.
Myth #9: Sex should be easy and natural.
Sex is the most intimate thing we do. We show up with histories, expectations, misinformation, insecurities, stress, distractions, etc. Sex is complicated. The reasons we have sex are complex and change over time. Our bodies change over time. Our responsibilities change over time. Our priorities change over time. There is no reason sex should be easy or without effort, and there are tons of reasons why it shouldn’t be.
When you stop believing myths about sex, you let go of unrealistic expectations for yourself and your partner. You realize you’re not broken, just misinformed.
