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Imagine that you get home from your last date and you’re feeling excited because you’re thinking about the fact that you haven’t connected with anyone this way in a long time and you’re looking forward to getting to know this person better. You smile to yourself as you receive a text from your date about how much they enjoyed their time with you. You continue seeing one another and the relationship deepens until suddenly one day you don’t hear back from them.
You think to yourself that it’s not a big deal and they must have just gotten busy but as more time passes, the more you worry and wonder what is going on. After repeated attempts to get ahold of them, you realize they are active on social media and have simply chosen to ignore you.
Unfortunately, this scenario is relatable to many people these days as ghosting has become incredibly common in the modern era of dating. Chances are that you or someone you know has dealt with ghosting at some point.
A survey of 5,000 people conducted by Forbes Health found that 76 percent of participants had either ghosted the other person or had been ghosted themselves when dating. Just because ghosting has become more common doesn’t mean it’s any easier to deal with when it does happen.
For most people, a break-up often takes time to fully process and heal from, however moving on can feel like an impossible task when a break-up never really occurred and ghosting ended the relationship or budding connection. If you have been ghosted and are having difficulty moving on, consider if any of these reasons may be playing a role:
1. Not knowing the reason why someone ghosted you may be more painful than knowing the reason for ghosting. When you don’t know why your relationship or budding connection suddenly ended, your mind may go in circles wondering what happened and what you might have done to provoke someone to end all contact with you out of the blue.
When faced with the unknown, our brains yearn for certainty as the unknown tends to provoke anxiety and frequent thoughts about the worst-case scenario. Our brains are hardwired to crave certainty to protect us from the potential dangers of the unknown. While craving certainty is your brain’s way of keeping you safe, it can work against you when it comes to ghosting.
In the absence of a reason why the connection ended, you may find yourself in a frustrating limbo where you feel stuck because you don’t have any answers. As a result, you may find yourself fixating on outlandish theories and trying to find the elusive missing piece of the puzzle to reach closure, which only serves to make you feel worse and distracts you from the feelings of grief that ultimately need to be processed to move on.
2. Being ghosted has reopened a previous abandonment wound or reinforced a negative belief you have about yourself or others. Ghosting is painful for everyone, however, for those who have suffered from neglect, prior abandonment, betrayal, or significant loss either related to their significant caregivers or their previous relationships, ghosting can be particularly painful and difficult to cope with. This is because ghosting often reactivates old wounds and tends to bring grief from the past to the surface.
Additionally, if you have a core belief about being unlovable or that everyone you love eventually leaves you, getting ghosted can feel like confirmation of your worst fear coming true even though the reason behind ghosting is usually more a reflection of the other person than you.
3. You may be blaming yourself. Since you don’t have answers or any control over the situation, you may start focusing on the only culprit available to you which is yourself. In the absence of any answers, you may turn to self-blame to ease your questions and find closure. However, while it may feel tempting to blame yourself, it can lead to a path of endless wondering and suffering that will only exacerbate your pain and put a strain on your relationship with yourself.
4. It often causes endless amounts of self-doubt. You may start to view your relationship from a completely different perspective once someone ghosts you. All of a sudden, your last few interactions are put under a microscope, and your fond memories are twisted until they become unrecognizable or associated with pain. Was what they felt real or was it fake? You may start questioning your reality, including your own judgment and what signs you may have missed. These questions can quickly turn into an unhealthy rumination that prevents you from moving on.
One of the reasons that ghosting can be so painful is that it can cause you to question if the other person cared about you at all when they choose to end all contact without explanation. This is often a treatment that does not feel like an accurate reflection of the relationship, particularly in cases where everything seemed to be on track and one person ghosts the other seemingly out of nowhere.
5. The pain may run deeper than you realize. The emotional pain that often results from ghosting can be even more painful than you realize. Ghosting is a form of social rejection and research has shown that when someone feels rejected, the brain’s pain receptors light up in the same area where they feel physical pain. This is often why those who are going through heartbreak report feeling physical pain. The mind and body are deeply connected and painful emotions can manifest physically.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. This is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.
Facebook image: Eak.Temwanich/Shutterstock
References
Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 108(15), 6270–6275. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1102693108
