Why Red Flags Feel Like Home for Some Partners

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Have you ever looked back at a previous relationship and wondered why you remained in it for so long or witnessed a friend in a similarly painful relationship and wondered what they were thinking?

If the role models you had for a relationship growing up exhibited unhealthy dynamics and you learned to associate love with volatility, unpredictability, or inconsistency, then it makes sense why red flags wouldn’t stand out or feel unusual to you.

A phenomenon known as repetition compulsion refers to the unconscious tendency to re-enact emotionally painful situations from the past. Repetition compulsion may be one of the reasons you find yourself drawn to partners that mirror the relationship dynamics you experienced in early childhood.

Like a magnet, you may find yourself drawn to the same painful relationship experiences over and over, wondering why you have such bad luck when it comes to romantic relationships. This is a sign that you may be trying to heal a wound from the past by repeating the same dynamic you witnessed growing up and subconsciously holding onto hope that this time around, you’ll experience a different outcome in the present. If this wound is present for you, your relationship decisions may be motivated by underlying beliefs that you’re not worthy of love, that others can’t meet your needs, or that love is not real unless you have to prove yourself to earn it.

This is one of the reasons why you may cling so strongly to a relationship that feels familiar but causes you so much pain.

Research has shown that we are primed to be attracted to partners who exhibit similar qualities as our caretakers, whether we liked these qualities or not growing up. This has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with what you learned about relationships growing up and what felt “normal” to you versus what didn’t.

If red flags felt like the norm growing up then you may be wondering how you can you rely on being aware of the warning signs when they feel like home. The following reminders and questions can assist you in the process of shifting your relationship patterns:

• Just because someone feels familiar and you have a strong attraction to them, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re compatible with you.
• Feeling neutral or even bored in the initial stages of getting to know someone is not necessarily a sign to immediately write them off, especially if you’re typically bored by healthy relationships.
• True intimacy and love can often take time to grow.
• Strong chemistry right off the bat and immediate butterflies may be a sign that you’re feeling anxious or on edge, rather than a sign that this person is the right match for you. Anxiety can incorrectly be interpreted as romantic attraction—a phenomenon referred to as a misattribution of arousal. Research has shown that a heightened level of anxiety may increase someone's attraction to a potential partner more than they would have experienced otherwise.

• Write out a list of the behaviors you've witnessed in the past that have felt normal or familiar to you but will now be non-negotiable for you moving forward (e.g., lying, cheating, belittling you, difficulty managing anger, etc.)
• If you are feeling immediately drawn to someone, take the time to consider if you had this same feeling before and if so, when and with whom?
• If you’ve experienced a similar feeling in previous romantic relationships, reflect about why those relationships ended. Would it have benefitted you during the initial stages of dating, to consider whether you were repeating an old dating pattern?
• Do you feel safe and at peace around this person or on edge?

Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. This post is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.

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