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Relationships
Love Is Stronger Than Death
What happens to love in times of war?
Posted October 5, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Love and strong social connections are fundamental to human resilience, especially during times of hardship.
- The ability to lean on supportive relationships can mitigate the long-term negative effects of trauma.
- Mature coping mechanisms help individuals navigate their grief more successfully.
This summer, as I was decluttering my parents’ house, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of family history: war correspondence. Hundreds, possibly over a thousand letters, scattered across the attic, gathering dust and marked by the passage of time—mice bites here and there, some with webs spun into their corners. Intrigued, I donned gloves and began the delicate task of collecting and organizing them into boxes.
These letters were exchanged among various family members—great-grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, nieces, nephews—a vast network of support and shared experience during a time of unimaginable hardship. Among these, one stack stood out: the correspondence between my grandmother, Martha, and her husband, Bernhard. Together, their letters made up nearly two-thirds of the entire collection.
Bernhard was stationed away from his young family early on in the war, initially working in the army's communications office. But as the war escalated, he was moved around frequently, and eventually to the front line—despite his non-combat role. Through it all, Martha and Bernhard wrote to each other several times a day, exchanging weekly packages filled with letters brimming with tenderness, concern, and—perhaps—naivete about the looming dangers.
Martha and Bernhard: A Story of Love and Loss
Their letters are rich with love, revealing both the intimate details of their young family’s life and the emotional turmoil they endured. Yet, the gaslighting and political maneuvering within Bernhard’s office add a layer of distress. Through his words, I sensed a man aware of being out of place—a dissident among Nazis—yet striving to protect his family.
Reading their letters, it’s painful to witness their repeated attempts at “setting up a nest” for their growing family, only to be thwarted time and again by unforeseen orders that sent Bernhard zigzagging across the country with a moving war. The final blow came when he was sent to the front, where he eventually fell.
Months passed before Martha received the news. For a while, she continued writing to him, confused by the uncharacteristic silence. Letter after letter was returned with a red “Returned to Sender” stamp before the military’s cold, formal notification of a “hero death” arrived.
Love as a Source of Resilience
Their story of love, separation, and loss is a deeply personal one. But the power of love and relationships in sustaining individuals through extreme adversity is well documented. The Harvard Grant Study, which followed participants through World War II and the Korean War, found that those with strong, stable relationships—whether with romantic partners, extended family, or close friends—were better equipped to cope with the emotional and psychological challenges of wartime.
Martha’s letters to her extended family reflect this. They provide a running commentary on her life, full of worry for Bernhard and anxiety as the fighting drew closer to her and the children. Yet, the very act of writing seemed to be a way for her to stay connected and find some semblance of stability.
One of the key takeaways from the Harvard Grant Study is that love and emotional connection serve as protective factors against stress. Participants with secure attachments and intimate relationships were less likely to experience severe mental health deterioration, even under wartime conditions. Emotional bonds acted as a buffer, helping individuals maintain their psychological well-being in the face of uncertainty and fear.
Love’s Enduring Power
Even in the end, Martha and Bernhard had each other through their letters. This correspondence—large enough to form a physical pillar—stands as a testament to the strength and resilience of their bond. It sustained them through the darkest chapter of their lives.
In contrast, the study showed that individuals without meaningful connections, whether due to the disruptions of war or pre-existing loneliness, were more vulnerable to mental health issues. Isolation exacerbated feelings of anxiety and depression, leading to worse outcomes in both mental and physical health.
The Grant Study also examined the effects of grief and loss. Those who lost loved ones to war were significantly impacted, but how they coped made all the difference. Individuals who had developed emotional resilience and maintained supportive relationships were generally better able to process their grief and find meaning in their loss. They employed mature coping mechanisms, like seeking support from close relationships and expressing emotions, which enabled them to recover more fully and maintain their well-being over time. Conversely, those who experienced prolonged isolation or struggled to express their emotions faced worse long-term mental health outcomes, including depression and anxiety, which could persist for years.
Love Transcends War
The letters between Martha and Bernhard, though now fragile and faded, capture the essence of love’s enduring strength. They remind us that in times of war, love doesn’t merely survive—it can thrive, becoming a source of solace, hope, and resilience.
The Harvard Grant Study reinforces this truth: love and connection are not just nice to have—they are essential for our survival, even in the face of immense grief and loss. Love is stronger than death because it gives us something to hold onto when everything else falls apart. It anchors us, shields us from despair, and, ultimately, helps us transcend even the harshest of times.
