Why Do We Enjoy Watching Couples in Crisis?

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It's a given that no one likes to experience relational distress or emotional abuse. We don't want our relationships to be unhappy or toxic, and we try to either fix or end the ones that are. So, understandably, it may be confusing to us why we are captivated by unhealthy or unhappy relationships on television.

Conflict, abuse, and breakups from fictional characters create exciting drama. It makes us sit on the edge of our seats, wondering how the people involved will navigate such intense or destructive interactions. We are intrigued by the power dynamics. We're curious about people who aren't held to societal standards of decency and collaboration. That's why there are so many shows with narcissistic or sociopathic characters; it's shocking and thrilling to watch people behave unacceptably and see how others around them manage.

These types of relationships on television are also cautionary tales. They make us say, “Wow, I’m so glad that isn’t us!” And we recognize that these toxic relationships are exaggerations for entertainment. We know fictional TV shows are trying to be over the top, theatrical, thrilling, and unbelievable. And we don’t worry about the lasting impact on the characters because the characters aren’t real. (However, while we’re on the topic, some companies provide on-site psychological support for actors portraying disturbing interactions or scenes to prevent traumatization.)

However, watching emotional abuse or heightened distress is different when it’s reality TV. The excitement wanes when we know that real people are involved because we know that these people will have to deal with the effects of experiencing such treatment. So how did reality dating shows come to be so popular? Why do so many of us love watching couples be put through conflict and challenge in their pursuit to find love?

Rushing the Relationship Cycle

Reality television dating shows rely on a classic love story arc: A couple falls in love, they encounter obstacles that almost break them apart (or do break them apart), maybe a third person gets involved and makes a love triangle, and then, just as we think their relationship is doomed, they somehow find their way back to each other and live happily ever after. (I think this just described every single dating show out there.)

This story arc isn’t far from what most couples experience in the real world. There are certain phases to relationships that follow this arc: the euphoric stage (also known as the honeymoon phase), the early attachment stage, the crisis stage, and finally, the deep attachment stage. We start with ecstasy; our bodies flooded with euphoric neurochemicals and hormones. Then we form an early bond with our partner. We begin to trust them, confide in them, and invest in them. We forego others. But then comes the crisis when our relationship is challenged, and we aren’t sure we can make it through. The cute quirks become unacceptable flaws, and we question the relationship’s viability. For the couples that get through this, there is the profound and secure deep attachment stage: We have found our other half and are committed to making a long-term relationship with them work.

Although most couples go through this exciting, entertaining story arc, it occurs over months and years. But reality television does not have months or years to follow couples, so they create pressure cooker situations to get this story arc in a matter of weeks. They push couples from the euphoric honeymoon stage right into crisis. There’s hardly time for any real attachment when you’ve known each other for barely a few weeks and are put into extraordinary circumstances that would shake the foundation of even the most solid relationship, in the unique context of being filmed while competing for each other's love.

What reality television producers know is that if there’s no crisis, there’s no story. And if there's no story, there's no audience. The magic of editing can go a long way toward manufacturing a “problem” that a couple must overcome, and the proper placement of tense music can leave a viewer wondering if the couple is on the brink of a breakup. On its face, this is fine: Television is meant to reach as many viewers as possible. It’s a money-making business, and I don’t begrudge them their bottom line.

However, editing can only go so far, and this is where reality dating shows run into trouble. They don't foster healthy relationships because healthy relationships are boring. No one wants to watch two people solve problems with kindness and understanding. So these shows create extraordinary circumstances that will guarantee conflict. They have multiple contestants compete for the same person or rush people into making legal commitments, and these bizarre and pressurized conditions damage the budding relationships.

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Remember: These Are Real People

When watching reality television dating shows, it's important to remember that they put people in highly unusual circumstances that are not good for creating strong and healthy relationships. Watch these shows for entertainment, but not for education. A solid relationship starts with affection, security, and open communication, and doesn't involve a social experiment while being filmed.

And remember that these are real people we're watching. These aren't actors portraying emotionally evocative scenes of elation, heartache, and loss, these are real people experiencing actual elation, heartache, and loss. We're witnessing real relationships get tested, undermined, and torn apart; relationships that might have been great, but couldn't survive the extraordinary circumstances and pressures. We need to be conscious of our consumption when it comes to these shows, and to always maintain empathy for the people involved.