Don't Let Lovemaking Be a Casualty of Your Lifestyle

Between career and family, has life overwhelmed you? Are you finding that one day simply rolls into the next without pause? As a result, is the lovemaking that once connected you and your partner mostly a memory, rather than a reality? If so, it comes with a cost. Research by Denise Donelly of Georgia State University, reported in The Journal of Sex Research, finds that 16 percent of couples fail to have sex at least once a month, a pattern that predicted marital unhappiness and divorce.

Both Men and Women Stop Initiating Sex

Women aren’t the only ones refusing sex, either. In her research of married people in sexually inactive marriages, Dr. Donnelly found that in 60 percent of the cases, it was the man who had stopped the sex. The reasons for low or lack of sex in marriage vary, from extramarital affairs to poor conflict management, child care, fatigue, and job stress. Whatever the cause, here are some suggestions from couples I interviewed who have put forth successful effort to improve their love lives:

Keep talking. All the couples put the issue on their agenda and worked out ways to overcome obstacles. They displayed one of the most powerful characteristics of successful people: persistence. Couples who talk about sexual problems are far more likely to survive than those who don’t. This was confirmed in Dr. Donnelly’s study. Sexually inactive couples had just given up and stopped talking.

Explore starting even if you're not fully in the mood yet. The couples I spoke with were realistic about differences in desire and the realities of their busy lives. Consequently, the spouses with lower desire consented to having sex even when they didn’t completely feel like it. That’s not as bad as it sounds. First, all of the spouses agreed that they benefited from the closeness, and most of them enjoyed the sexual experience more than they anticipated.

Make time. We all know that if something really matters to us, if it is really important, we find the time. If you were having an affair, you’d find the time. Have an affair with your spouse—and like an affair, set up a time to meet. In our busy lives we can’t rely on spontaneity. Synchronize your schedules and make dates with each other. Many couples set a romantic date the same time each week, alternating responsibility for setting the ambiance.

Think sex. Many of the couples realized that their lives were filled with tasks and heavy responsibilities, none of them very sexy. They made an effort to read sexy books, view sexy movies, and permit themselves to have sexy fantasies, all in an effort to make a little shift in attitude and perhaps learn one or two new moves.

It's Doable and Worth the Effort

However, even with authoritative direction, time and effort are required to achieve a desired result. Patience, the courage to change, and the desire to grow are key ingredients. If this sounds like a tall order, consider that it requires more work, energy, strength, and time to support a bad alliance than it does to support a good one. In other words, the cost/benefit analysis suggests that it is foolish to ignore family life: health, well-being, and productivity are at stake. Despite the difficulties and obstacles of life spilling over with necessary tasks on an interminable to-do list, it is quite possible to revitalize a relationship, to make love last. I have talked with many couples that are doing it, I have done it myself, and I have assisted countless couples in doing it as well. It is eminently attainable!

Being Unhappy Is Exhausting—Put That Effort Into Keeping Love Alive

However, even with authoritative direction, time and effort are required to achieve a desired result. Patience, the courage to change, and the desire to grow are key ingredients. If this sounds like a tall order, consider that it requires more work, energy, strength, and time to support a bad alliance than it does to support a good one. In other words, the cost/benefit analysis suggests that it is foolish to ignore family life: health, well-being, and productivity are at stake.