Intimate Terrorism and the Pattern of Coercive Control

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When I met a woman I will call Jenny, I was prepared for a tough story. Her physician had contacted me to assess her case and provide treatment for domestic abuse. “I have seen terrible things,” the doctor said, “but this woman has experienced a nightmare of mind games and pain that are appalling.”

Jenny was a slim, quiet woman in her mid-30s, with an aura of sadness. She told me she was currently separated from her two young children because they had been taken by her husband, David, from whom she was separated. He had gone to the authorities claiming she was a neglectful mother with psychiatric problems, who was “morally unfit” to care for them.

“He always said he would take them,” she told me. “And now he has.” Although David was a well-regarded member of the community, at home he was different. Since their wedding five years ago, he had changed from a flashy and flattering charismatic boyfriend to a demanding and demeaning husband who had drained the joy from Jenny’s life. He controlled Jenny through disapproval, threats, and badgering, and isolated her from her family and friends. After the birth of their children, he had become more jealous of the time she spent with them and had increased his exacting standards for her cooking and cleaning. He forced her to do offensive intimate acts and monitored her every move.

David was an intimate terrorist, which is a type of perpetrator who not only physically abuses but is also coercive and controlling. Coercive abuse can be hard to spot because it may not even involve physical violence, and when it does, the violence is only one aspect of the pattern of undermining and control. The manipulation and mind games are bewildering for those who are victimized and often leave them blaming themselves or feeling ashamed. David was not often violent but was a master manipulator with an arsenal of words and actions that wore down Jenny’s soul and kept her in compliance. Understanding how he did this can help others who are similarly trapped.

What Is Coercive Control?

There can be various patterns of violence in relationships. Intimate terrorism is one that includes a variety of tactics to dominate a victim. This is typically achieved by violence, threats, monitoring, badgering and wearing down. There are non-controlling types of violence, sometimes referred to as situational violence, in which couples become emotional and physically aggressive but are not necessarily controlling. However, in coercive violence the goal is power and control. This is why it is called terrorism, because like global terrorism, intimate coercive control involves the calculated use of violence to cause fear to bring about a specific objective. David used threats, unpredictability, and emotional and psychological weapons to keep Jenny in an uncertain and fearful state so she would do what he wanted. One scholar of violence typologies, Michael Johnson, suggests there are five key features of intimate terrorism: violence, threats/punishment, monitoring, undermining resistance, and undermining choice. I will review these here and in subsequent posts and show how Jenny’s case was a classic example.

Physical Violence

David was a persuasive suitor for Jenny, bringing her flowers and writing her songs. He was a part-time law enforcement officer and oversaw the community’s yearly pancake fundraiser. He was confident and funny, which Jenny found exciting. He told her he was “crazy about her,” and he convinced her to get married quickly. Two months into the marriage a fight began after a trip to the county fair. Jenny had been laughing at a story told by a friend, Gary, and David became furious. He had been drinking and demanded that they leave. As they got to the car, he got in her face and insisted that Jenny admit that she “had a thing for” Gary. She was so surprised that she laughed at David, which infuriated him further and he grabbed her arm roughly and shoved her in the car. As they got home, he again pulled her arm, pushed her into the house, and when she protested, he stuck out his leg and tripped her, then dragged her roughly to the bedroom.

This began a pattern of infrequent but severe violence over the next few years. David had certain ways of hurting her that he knew would be hard to prove or report. For example, he would jerk her hair roughly, or pin her down on the floor or couch and sit on her, using restraining techniques he knew from his police training. Once he threw a fan against the wall and then at her, cutting her legs. Desperate, Jenny reached out to one of David’s former girlfriends, who shared similar stories.

David’s violence happened when he didn’t get what he wanted. For example, he was a heavy pornography user and would get drunk and demand that Jenny perform degrading sexual acts, which, if refused, would incite rage, forced sex, and verbal abuse. The violence was a key component in the coercion, but it was only one piece.

Threats and Punishment

David could give a threatening look, or use body language or aggressive words that would often get Jenny to comply. His threats demonstrated an attitude of contempt or entitlement, showing his belief that he had a right to “punish” Jenny or “make her pay” for things he was unhappy about. He would tear into her if she said something he didn’t like or when she didn’t give him the answer he was looking for. He would not only make sarcastic comments about her looks, intelligence, or mothering, but would reflexively criticize any opinion she shared. If she became upset or expressed an emotion, he would roll his eyes and become agitated. She learned to keep her thoughts to herself and began doubt her own feelings. If she became angry at his abuse, he would mock her, saying that if she tried to divorce, he would “make her look like a fool on the stand” and “take the kids.”

David set unrealistic or rigid expectations for Jenny that could not be met, which caused further punishing. Many times, she was chastised for infractions that were arbitrary or unpredictable. If she didn’t give in to David’s demands, he would harass and become angry and loud. His threats were nonstop. He said he would put her in a psychiatric facility, embarrass her in front of her friends, turn the kids against her, and destroy her parents’ business.

Emotional Abuse Essential Reads

The Damaging Effects of Emotional Abuse

The Long-Term, Underappreciated Damage of Verbal Abuse

The violence and threats generally had the intended effect of producing fear and compliance in Jenny. These physical tactics are often accompanied by three other psychological tactics, (discussed in Part 2 of this blog series) that include monitoring and undermining. David used all these behaviors in his domination of Jenny. Unfortunately, these are common and often hidden, but understanding these coercive chains can help in breaking free from them.

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