How Can I Feel More Connected to My Partner?

One of the common complaints I hear from clients is how their partner doesn’t have time for them anymore. “They are always at work!” is a big one, as is “The kids just take up all our time together.” People sometimes defend not making more time for their partner by saying, “I finally get a chance to be by myself!” or “I need to take care of my aging mother.” While all these reasons may be legit, the problem remains. Partners aren’t spending enough time together, and it’s affecting their relationship.

The initial phase of dating and courtship is fun. Everything feels light and easy. Partners prioritize each other, sometimes above everything and everyone else. Further, in general, the younger people are, the fewer responsibilities and the more freedom they have, so it can be easier “back then” to arrange plenty of uninterrupted time with a partner. That’s how we build our initial connection.

The solution to this relationship problem is obvious: We need to make our partner a priority. That is how we rebuild a connection that feels lacking. Prioritizing a partner takes effort from both people and at times, one partner might not feel like making an effort. My antidote to this is: Don’t wait for the feeling; take action.

People often wait for inspiration to take action. This may even be unconscious. When we feel happy, we go to the party. When we feel motivated, we go to the gym. Conversely, if we don’t feel happy, we skip the party. If we feel sluggish and tired, we put off the gym. We mean to, and we know we should exercise or socialize, but if we never feel like it, we don’t do it. Our plans never happen.

So turn this around, especially when it comes to rebuilding a relationship. Take action first, which can lead to or inspire the feeling. Go to the party; socializing will inspire happiness. Go to the gym; exercising will fire up motivation. Make time for your partner, and this will help you both feel more closely connected.

Date Nights and Scheduling

One surefire way to prioritize your partner is to schedule date nights. What works best is to schedule a consistent date once a week. Dates can be day or evening but set aside at least one to two hours of uninterrupted time with your partner. If once a week is too much for either partner’s schedule, then do it twice a month. The important thing is to plan: Set aside a specific time beforehand, commit to that time, and follow through.

It’s helpful to treat the date like any other important appointment. That’s what it means to prioritize a partner. Don’t cancel or postpone the date unless there is a genuinely critical conflict or a true emergency.

When it comes to logistics, it’s easiest to agree on the same date and time each week. This way, both partners can plan ahead and work other things in their schedule around their regular date night. For example, make date night a repeated event in a shared calendar.

“We Don’t Make Time for Each Other”

Often, couples tell me it’s too hard to find the time for a date night. So I remind them: Our actions convey our priorities. When something is important, we make time for it, and vice versa. If you recognize how important this time is for your partner, you will see the importance of setting a time.

Of course, our lives are full. Finding time is not always easy. But there is always a way. If evenings are too difficult, maybe a regular breakfast or lunch would work. The day and the time don’t matter. Even what you do doesn’t really matter. What matters is taking time to prioritize your relationship.

Relationships Essential Reads

I Love You, But I’m Leaving: When Relationships Cost Too Much

Don't Be Someone's Second Potato

If one person is more committed to creating a date night, but the other isn’t, talk about it. A simple conversation can make a big difference. Here is one way to approach that conversation:

I really value our relationship and would love to create a deeper connection. I know we are both busy and it’s difficult to find the time, but I would like to prioritize our relationship so we can feel more connected. Although it might be hard to find the time initially, I know once we carve it out, it will be a really wonderful experience for both of us.

Another issue can be who takes responsibility for planning. A fair approach so that neither partner feels pressured is to alternate who makes the plans. Each week (or every other week), one partner plans the date, deciding on the setting and the activity, and the next time, the other partner takes over. This way, partners not only share the responsibility, but they each have a chance to plan things they enjoy.

What should you do on these dates? The intention is to bring some lightness back into your relationship and to have fun with each other! Dates are not a time to have hard conversations about difficult topics. Use this time to let go and be free within your relationship.

Couples sometimes struggle with inspiration for what to do on a date. I always suggest thinking about what people did when they were first dating. Did they love ice skating? The movies? Taking walks in nature?

Here is a list of ideas to consider:

• Eat at a new restaurant, and go to a different one for dessert.
• Cook a new recipe together.
• Get some color-by-number kits and paint together, or go to a painting event like Paint n’ Sip or Color Me Mine.
• Play a sport together, like tennis or riding bikes.
• Have a spa night and purchase low-cost face masks.
• Make a picnic lunch or dinner in the park.
• Take a dance class together.
• See a stand-up comedy show or attend a music concert or live performance.
• Go fruit picking.
• Do an adventurous activity, like rock climbing.
• Go to a water park or theme park.
• Tour a winery or brewery.
• Go ax throwing.
• Make your own pizza.
• Go to an arcade.
• Surprise each other by ordering a partner’s favorite ice cream.
• Go bowling.

If money is a concern, plenty of options are low or no cost:

• Walk around the neighborhood or explore a new neighborhood.
• Have a board game night.
• Volunteer together at a soup kitchen or other charity venue.
• Hike together.
• Go camping and build a campfire.
• Watch the sunset or sunrise.
• Take a drive and listen to music or an audiobook.
• Play hide and seek.
• Read to each other (perhaps a steamy romance novel!).
• Create a scavenger hunt.
• Sleep late and have breakfast in bed.
• Do couples yoga.
• Look at the stars.
• Visit a dog park or the zoo.
• Listen to a lecture at a local library or college.

Remember, the point isn’t the amount of money couples spend. Rather, date night is about partners giving each other their undivided attention and having fun together!

Finally, when couples have children, that adds another complication to arranging a date night. Be creative here as well. If a couple can’t afford a babysitter, maybe they can offer to swap babysitting with friends who also have kids; that way, both couples can have a date night. Another option is that some gyms and other venues (like IKEA) offer on-site childcare, which might allow a couple to work out together while their child is supervised safely.

Alternatively, a couple could bring their child with them to a local park. While their child plays on the playground, the couple can sit on a bench. Local community centers also offer programs, like sports or crafts for kids, and a couple could plan their dates for when their child is doing a program. Another option is to schedule a date night at home when kids are asleep or even early morning before they wake up. The essential point is for partners to set aside time for each other.