A 30-Second Way to Fight Less With Your Partner

Conflict is a healthy and natural part of any relationship. All couples argue at some point. But what if we could learn a technique that would help lessen these arguments altogether?

For things to change, things have to change. And that starts with our mindset. In other words, changing our mindset about our partners is the key to arguing less with our partners.

I call it "assuming positive intentions." That means giving our partners the benefit of the doubt. It's simple but not always easy. Assuming positive intentions, however, is one of the best ways to have a stronger and more trusting relationship.

Partners are in a relationship together. They are a unit, a team. A relationship isn’t a competition where one individual wins first place. Partners win together when they strive to be the best couple they can be.

When we get frustrated with our partners, we can sometimes feel like they are intentionally doing something to annoy us or deliberately disregarding our feelings. The majority of the time, we are all just trying to do the best we can, but we can get so focused on our own point of view that we forget our partner’s point of view.

Assuming positive intentions is a way to remind ourselves that our partners love and care for us, even if or when they do something that upsets us. Their goal isn’t to hurt us. In fact, it’s the opposite. Our partner’s goal is generally positive; usually, they want us to be happy. Thus, assuming positive intentions is a way to foster compassion for our partner, and at minimum give them the benefit of the doubt, so we can take a more objective step back and find a compromise or solution.

In the heat of the moment, though, it can be a struggle to assume positive intentions. Here are a few techniques to try:

1. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why do you think they feel the way they do? What are they hoping to get out of the discussion?
2. Do you feel your partner did anything on purpose? If so, what and why exactly?
3. If assuming positive intentions doesn’t feel possible, can you assume neutral intentions? In other words, can you view their intentions as neither positive nor negative?
4. Think back to why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. Was it their kindness, intelligence, humor? When we first fall in love, we typically assume positive intentions, so recalling that can help.
5. Consider if you have any underlying resentments you’re carrying. Resentments can prevent us from regarding our partner in an unbiased way.
6. Assuming positive intentions is a great tool to remind ourselves that we and our partner are a team achieving the same goal. We need to assume positive intentions from our partner in order to gain a greater perspective and have a better relationship.

Arguing is normal in relationships. Partners won’t always be able to see the other’s point of view. Sometimes our own feelings get the best of us. But if we assume positive intentions with our partners, we automatically are able to be more compassionate and less angry. Everyone wins.