What Becomes of the Brokenhearted

Source: Krystine I. Batcho

In his hit song in 1966, singer Jimmy Ruffin described “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted.” The lyrics paint a grim image of the lover whose love has departed: “I walk in shadows searching for light. Cold and alone, no comfort in sight... All is lost; there’s no place for beginning. All that’s left is an unhappy ending.”

The end of a relationship can leave someone feeling emotionally exhausted. Along with sadness, there can be disappointment, feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and anger. A person can think they’ll never make themselves so vulnerable again.

Some people try to escape the hurt by getting rid of everything that reminds them of the relationship and that person. They return gifts, throw away things once enjoyed together, and erase digital footprints that can revive the memories that are now reminders of the loss. Others can’t bring themselves to part with such mementos. They see them as the remnants of what had been meaningful and good. They might feel that as long they keep them, there’s still hope for a return and reconciliation.

Is it helpful to hold on or beneficial to let go?

In one study of college students’ adjustment after a breakup, keeping virtual possessions (e.g., photos, music, text messages, posts, and memories on social networking sites) was related negatively to post-breakup adjustment. Photographs, keepsakes, and other objects can evoke nostalgia and revive nostalgic memories. The adverse relationship with adjustment was found to be mediated by nostalgia. Participants who were more nostalgic were more likely to keep possessions following a breakup and were more likely to experience greater difficulty adjusting.

The possibility that nostalgia can interfere with healing after a failed relationship is inconsistent with a substantial body of research depicting nostalgia as beneficial. Does thinking back to what you’ve lost deepen the emotional pain? Or is nostalgia more likely to ease the pain of heartbreak over time?

Empirical evidence suggests that the impact of nostalgia is complicated. Generally, remembering good times of the past is pleasant—it can lift one’s spirits, counteract loneliness, strengthen social bonds, and reinforce a sense of belonging. Studies have shown that viewing nostalgic pictures can reduce perceived pain induced by noxious thermal stimuli, and fMRI analysis showed that nostalgia-induced analgesia was related to decreased brain activity in pain-related brain regions, including the lingual and parahippocampal gyrus. While viewing nostalgic pictures relieved low but not high thermal pain, nostalgia elicited with memories relieved both high and low thermal pain, suggesting an added benefit of higher-level cognitive components of nostalgia.

On the other hand, loss is emotionally painful, and the role of nostalgia in coping with separation from a loved one is not simple. In one study, participants who imagined being isolated expressed nostalgia and attachment to a photograph of their partner but expected nostalgia to make them feel worse. Among women in prison and women whose romantic partner had died, attachment to keepsakes decreased loneliness and increased closeness to one’s partner, but nostalgia did not. As a stand-in for a loved one, a photo or an object may be more effective for coping with unavoidable separation than the nostalgia it evokes. But when an object represents a loved one who no longer loves us, it can reignite feelings of abandonment, rejection, or failure.

It is important to remember that not every dissolved relationship represents failure. Ending a relationship that is not ideal can allow a couple to heal and move on. Belongings from such a relationship can remind a person of the endurance of their core identity. Keeping such reminders can help bridge the transition to new experiences. Attachment to things can be excessive, and unhealthy attachment or dependence can become counterproductive. But keepsakes can be helpful when they provide comfort and stability during transformative change.

The ending of a romance can lead to personal growth by providing an opportunity to rediscover oneself. Reflecting on who one was before and during the relationship has been shown to enhance positive emotions and encourage recovery of one’s authentic self. A few souvenirs can serve as reminders of who we were, and the memories can shed light on who we strive to be. Lessons learned from a relationship that didn’t last can enhance the quality of a new one.

What becomes of the brokenhearted?

Although some people give up on marriage after a divorce, many continue seeking romantic happiness and getting married once again. According to Pew Research, 64 percent of men and 52 percent of women get married again (not to each other) after their marriage has ended. Only 6 percent of divorced couples remarry one another, but 72 percent of those couples remain married after reuniting.

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The brokenhearted can flourish in their life beyond the relationship that ended. They can remember how they were once loved and, therefore, that they deserve to be loved. They can hide away the things that remind them of the sad and disappointing times and turn their energy toward a future enriched by their experiences—with or without a new relationship. Remembering the good and the bad can fortify the determination to seek a new chance for a more ideal relationship or a rich life unattached. Lyrically, Ruffin’s despair motivated him to continue searching: “I can’t stand this pain much longer... I know I’ve got to find some kind of peace of mind... I’ll find a way somehow. I’ll be searching everywhere. I know I’m gonna find a way.”