Appreciating Yourself Over the Holidays

Do you often find that you give yourself a hard time about things you didn't do, things you didn't do right, or what you didn't change? For instance, maybe you give yourself a hard time about not being able to meet a certain work deadline, skipping a workout, or canceling a social commitment. In my practice, I have found that people all too often focus only on what they feel they have done wrong and disregard all the many things they have done well.

What Is Self-Appreciation and How Is It Different From Gratitude?

There's no doubt that we derive plentiful benefits from practicing gratitude. The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word gratia, which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. In actual practice, gratitude is the thankful appreciation for what an individual receives and the active acknowledgment of the goodness in one’s life. Studies have found that gratitude greatly minimizes negative feelings such as depression, negative social comparisons, regret, resentment, and envy. In fact, studies show it’s impossible to feel envious and grateful at the same time.

The practice of self-appreciation takes the positive effects of gratitude one step further. Self-appreciation is the recognition and valuing of one’s unique qualities, abilities, talents, and achievements, both big and small. It involves acknowledging your worth and taking pride in your positive attributes. In a nutshell, self-appreciation is being grateful for our own selves and basking in our goodness without evoking feelings of arrogance or overconfidence.

Developing the Skill of Self-Appreciation

Self-appreciation is a skill that involves both self-reflection and self-compassion. Self-reflection entails examining our feelings, behaviors, and the motivations that may lie behind them. You can learn how to develop self-reflection by working with a therapist and or by journaling. Journaling provides a dedicated space to explore your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Writing helps with clarifying our experiences and can even help us identify both negative and positive patterns.

Self-compassion is the second component of self-appreciation. All too often, we're more likely to console, support, and provide compassion to our friends and our family than for ourselves when we're struggling. Self-compassion is the act of treating oneself with kindness and understanding, particularly during difficult times. Self-compassion also includes recognizing, without judgment, our flaws and failures. The ultimate aim of self-compassion is to develop a loving, supportive, and empathetic relationship with oneself. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, identifies three key components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

When you catch yourself giving yourself a hard time over this holiday season, stop, pause, and practice the skill of self-appreciation. Below are five suggestions to get you started:

1. Celebrate your "wins" both big and small. Self-appreciation involves feeling worthy of celebrating our accomplishments. This act is also important because it helps us internalize our positive qualities and savor our positive experiences.
2. Keep a feelings journal. Journaling helps with developing the skill of self-reflection, a crucial component of self-appreciation. Journaling also cultivates our emotional intelligence, thereby deepening our degree of self-awareness and our emotional understanding.
3. Flip the negative self-talk. Give yourself "pats on the back" and compliments throughout the day. For example, if you completed a challenging work project or navigated a testy interaction with a close friend or family member, make sure to stop and proactively acknowledge your successes by internally saying things like: "I did a good job today."
4. Prioritize self-care. By dedicating time and energy to do the things we enjoy and to better our quality of life, we send a powerful message to ourselves that we deserve love, care, and attention. Create a self-care schedule that includes doing what you love such as dancing, listening to music, reading, and exercising. Make sure to include activities such as meditation, exercise, and getting adequate sleep.
5. Set boundaries and practice self-compassion. Give yourself permission to say "no" when necessary and establish boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding.